black friday (g2)

So yesterday was Thanksgiving. The food was good, the company was great… mainly because we didn’t have any. Me and the kid pretty much spent most of the day playing World of Warcraft until the wee hours of the morning.

I have to admit it hit Wednesday and I was about as useful at work as a coke-addled 4 year old with ADHD and once I was free, the upcoming four day weekend was the only thing on my mind. I could not give a shit less about doing anything even remotely useful, even though I had a list. I had a plan. The plan… I have no fucking clue what the plan was anymore. My kid and I usually put up our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving, neither of us have even bothered to clear a spot for it. Do I feel guilty? Little bit. Is it worth it?! Hell yeah.

Today is also what is known as that insane shit called Black Friday. If you do not know what this is, either from living under a rock or from not living in this insane country known as the United States, it is the first Friday after Thanksgiving where otherwise perfectly sane people go absolutely batshit over a toaster. It’s basically Ferguson during the riots only the stores MEAN for you to act this way and you do actually end up paying for it.

I have only once partaken in this event, my cousin dragged me to the Disney store just before they opened at midnight while we had been camping. Disney is already one of my most hated places, but had something my kid had been wanting and it, of course, was not available in any other media (Fuck you, Disney!). I spent maybe 15 minutes selecting the one or two items I felt accomplished the “happy kid” goal and got in line. In that brief period, the line was already starting to build like a snake leading from the back to the very front. There were two women in front of me, but they only had a few items. I thought “ok, line is long but with not so many items, it shouldn’t be too bad.”

One woman left and disappeared for a while. As we slinked up to the register in tiny bursts, I got to reflect on my life, what I was really doing with it, huffing the fresh campfire smell from my hoodie whenever I felt a homicidal rage coming on, pseudo-inspirational musak pumping through the overhead speakers. The woman returned… with 2 large armfuls of shit. What the fuck is this!? Why are we not jumping her shit and kicking her in the gut right now!? *heavy inhales of campfire scent* Then the other woman leaves and disappears for while. Please be taking a piss, please be taking a piss, if I had a knife I will fucking cut you if you’re not just taking a piss. She wasn’t taking a piss.

This bitch tag team did this I know not how many times. My hoodie huffing became severely more pronounced with every trip. I just started lingering closer and closer to them and into their personal space as much as I could. I figured if they were going to be two of the rudest fucking people in the store, it made me happier to fuck with them. Did you know when you carry a shitload of clothes, its hard to tell when the someone is rubbing their scent all over them behind you? I gave me great joy to think they were going to stuff campfire scented shit in boxes and give them to other people. I’d marked my territory.

To add insult to injury, the store had various employees walking up and down the already congested line like cigarette girls, with trays full of products to buy for “additional savings.” One of them apparently confused my look of horror as interest and asked if I would like whatever its was. “Are you fucking kidding me with this?” was all I could say, and she quickly scurried off.

My cousin had apparently been observing all this with amusement. They were much more adept at this Black Friday nonsense and had shopped for 10 times as many things in 7 minutes, and had missed most of the flood to the line. But they like Disney, knowing them they probably got an advanced map of this particular store and had markers on how exactly to most efficiently grab and go.

When I finally got to check out, sometime two days later, I’d pretty happily made two women immensely relieved to be as far away from me as possible, which in turn, made me happy. When we got in the car and went to head back to our campsite, they asked how I was and I just said “never again”, stuffed my face down in my hoodie and dozed off.

So, to Black Friday I say:

the-oatmeal-running-agony-nope

TheOatmeal.com

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