“He who angers you controls you” okay there may be some validity to this, but a more accurate statement is who you choose to make your end of life decisions is who controls you! I wish I could tell you that I am no longer angry about my loved ones situation. The truth is I am still extremely pissed. I’m torn between how my loved one’s life is being decided by those who may not be best suited to make the most logical of decisions, and my inability to lessen my husbands excruciating heartbreak over the entire situation. Not to mention my shameful longing to smack the living daylights out of those who have been completely emotionally manipulative to ensure they receive what I refer to as “The Gold Star.”
“The Gold Star” is the proverbial carrot on the stick for those individuals in life who never learned how to self validate, or even worse secretly hate themselves. These are the poor individuals who calculate how they can achieve all hidden inner agendas while ensuring that the rest of us believe it is truly for the benefit of someone other than themselves. They will defend this false honor to the death to ensure the illusion, and they will actively seek to destruct the credibility of those who offer any opposition to their agenda. I even think that they lie in such a masterful way that they start to believe their own lies to be the truth. Yet I can not let go of the thought that if you truly believe what you’re doing is right why do you make your decisions in such a deceptively covert way.
Well screw that, do not “pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” My stepmother-in-law, and stepsister-in-law may legally have the right to make all the decisions regarding our loved one, but I will not allow them the “Gold Star” approval they seek from he rest of this very large family circle. I will not participate in the false illusion that our opinions actually have any value in their decision-making. I will let them know that they can no longer hide under the umbrella that we have all been in agreement, and that since they feel so righteous about the decisions they have solely made then they will solely take responsibility for them.
When it was time to make the decision regarding to have a do not resuscitate order (D.N.R.) my stepmother-in-law accidently in a moment of frustration let it slip that the decision had already been made! My step-sister-in-law almost swallowed her face when she saw that I heard what my stepmother-in-law had said. This moment still haunts me because at that time I felt like acknowledging that false illusion would be to the detriment of everyone at that particular time, but that was a huge mistake on my part! The only redeeming factor of my mistake is that I did tell my husband, and our children immediately about what was said. We decided not to make this an issue because our loved one had told us prior to all of this that was his wishes should he end up in a certain circumstance.
MY MISTAKE was not openly addressing that pretending to include us in the decision was deceitful, and manipulative! They should have been immediately held accountable for the lie! We should have told her that as his wife it is ultimately her decision, (we know this), this is something we could have accepted respectfully even if we did not necessarily agree. It’s the false illusions, manipulation, and motivation for the deceit that makes the entire situation even more horrible than it already is!
I am also aware that my deep anger is not respectful to my dying loved one. My husband, and our children have made the decision to put him first. We know he is leaving us, and no amount of anger is going to change that fact. I’m not good at faking my emotions, but I am going to pull up my “big girl pants” and make myself accountable by remembering that right now is not about me. I will put my focus back onto my love one where it rightfully belongs. 😉