the new year (g2)

Yeah, it takes me a good long while to get caught up with the program whenever the year switches over, I still feel like I’m dragging ass. Perhaps it is because I’m not the type who celebrates the New Year with the enthusiasm of a pubescent youth getting his first real action. I’m generally the type that even on the rare occasion I accept an invitation for the New Year, when the ball drops and the drunken slobber kisses start and people generally gush emotionally over something that is little more than a massive adjustment to check writing (and who the hell does that anymore?), I am usually no where to be found. Yep, that’s me, I bow out when no one is looking and just want to go home.

I’m not sure if the many years of my childhood spent with grand in a Shoney’s and a couple of her most hideous of friends at the turn of the new year put a bad taste in my mouth, but the holiday itself gets barely a yawn from me. I just like having the day off.

For the past ten or so years, I have held the epic tradition of passing the fuck out by 10pm, if I last that long. When spawn was little, this was a dual tradition. This year I believe they celebrated whilst using kidney strike on an ogre. Not a bad way to end the year, if I’d been awake I probably would have been doing the same. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that its a new year. I’m wondering when the last one made its mark and what did I garner from its presence. I’m coming up empty. I remember a lot blur and irritation and exhaustion and little else.

I started this post four days ago…as you can tell, I’m still dragging ass in this brand new year. I’ve been working on 2 computers that come up with a new issue as soon as I resolve an old one, so I have not been able to wipe my hands of them yet, which is very frustrating. When you are trying to use your creative mind for problem solving, you have little else to expend it on creative verbiage.  Not that I haven’t had about a dozen topics I wanted to post about, but right now I cannot think of a one. Its enough to make me want to bash my head in a wall.

So I’m going to discuss the New Year. I’m a closet optimist. I due truly, deep down, hope big things for the new year. I hope this is the turning point I have not had in the previous three or so. Things have been rather rough and I want command of my own ship again. I kind of feel its been floating off on its own.

Not that I’m not responsible for this.

I have long understood that when you make 986,456,765 decisions every single fucking day, making the effort to, for instance, raise an epic bitch fit against the company trying to collect on fraud charges until they wet their pants is not in my remaining cache of energy. In essence, I take a lot of shit and let it ride because I simply do not have the energy left to resolve it. It then steamrolls and becomes something more monstrous simply because I didn’t want to deal with it while it was still tiny and manageable. I’ve gotten into a state of putting out fires instead of just fireproofing it in the first place.

How many of you make resolutions? I don’t. I tend to feel that making resolutions is a way of setting yourself up for a failure you can later berate yourself for not fulfilling. We are generally our own worst critics. We are assholes to ourselves, so when we make these grandiose plans of self-improvement, we are making it so we can spend a lot of energy hating ourselves in a week or more when we give up and go back to our old ways.

I also don’t like the concept of starting something to improve yourself just because its a new year. I had a coworker who also put off her diet until… Monday… the 1st, New Year’s, the beginning of Summer, Spring… it had to be one nice tidy little “first” on her calendar. Of course, she could then justify not doing it because “the first fell on Wednesday, so that’s not a good day,” or “I have family coming on New Year’s and they expect to eat a lot, so that wasn’t going to work.” She spent a lot of effort negotiating her own failure. I often asked her why bother trying when she obviously didn’t want to and work on something she did want to do. She had no idea what I was talking about. She “WANTED” to do it… just not now, then or later, I guess?

For me, when I need to work on a bad characteristics… like my snap judgements of people I just met for example, my “resolutions” are much more doable. Usually, they come about when one of my more than blunt friends points out one of my blindsights where I’m still kind of an asshole.  Generally, I try to embrace these observations. It takes a lot of guts to tell someone you care about when they are being a dick. It takes a lot of guts and vulnerability to admit they are right too, and sometimes I’m ok with the trait or I decide I’m going to just babystep it into being less of an asshole.

Example: “I will try not to punch anyone in the throat today no matter how stupid they are.”

As long as I don’t need bail money at the end of the day, its good. Tomorrow is another issue entirely. Tomorrow might be Monday. If so, fuck that. Or when the guy on facebook rages about how all women who have abortions should be essentially set on fire for being demons, I promise myself that engaging him by calling him a “King James’ dick-sucking fucktard” is not conducive to better understanding between two contrasting ideas, no matter how accurate the title.

I figure if I make just one promise to myself as often as I can, maybe I can build up that muscle of willpower so I might be able to tackle the bigger issues, like eating better more regularly by getting off my lazy ass and cooking more often… notice I did not say all the time. If I had to end our pizza/sushi/brinner (that’s breakfast for dinner) runs, I’d just rage quit right here. Also notice, I did say “better.” Perfection is an illusion that cannot be achieved, it is only a subjective goal for each individual person. Perfection is not what others perceive you to be doing “correctly.” Perfection is when what you are doing is making you very happy.

Now get the fuck off that treadmill and let’s go get some sushi and pancakes.

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