The Secret Club (G-uno)

Women and men share one thing in equal proportion, our desire to be invisible guest at a meeting of “The Secret Club!” We reside next to each other on this planet on a daily basis sometimes even in the same household, and we seem to be unable to crack the secret code. We always seem to think “we” are so easy to understand, and that the other gender is just making things so much more complicated than things actually are…

As a member of the female gender I have a few secrets I can share with the men without risking my “Secret Women’s Club” membership. Keep in mind that the topics I will bring up do not apply to all females. Not being a male I apologize for not knowing all of their secrets, but I can share a few things that I have learned from the men in my life.

  1. Many women have been raised to believe that their own sexuality is of less importance than yours from a very early age. It’s not that anyone specifically said this, but the subliminal message was very clear. It came in many forms- men have a stronger sex drive, sex is much more important to men.
  2. Masturbation and self-examination are shameful. Women are taught to ignore their bodies/natural urges. (I know males many of you were also discouraged from this completely natural inclination, you will just have to take my word for it when I tell you it is MUCH more frowned upon with our gender.)
  3. Men have very delicate egos so you should never tell them that their sexual performance was not to your liking. Especially during the sexual encounter. Men should always be the initiator in all sexual encounters. Also you may have to exaggerate your height of pleasure to ensure that their fragile egos remain in tact.
  4. Men prefer women with less sexual experience. They will gladly have sex with more sexually experienced women, but those women will never be considered for long-term relationships. Women with too much sexual experience are viewed as whores.

Once again I want to remind you that the above mentioned do not apply to all women, but I’m pretty sure based on the conversations I have had with a lot of women this kind of misinformation is more prevalent than you might imagine. Males (females too) out there you should know that all of these concepts directly affect you in ways that you may be completely unaware of, and they have the potential to destroy relationships which is ironic since a few of them were actually designed with the intention of keeping relationships in tact.

Let’s start with #1 if you are a female who was raised to believe that your sexuality is of less importance than a males, you may be more inclined hold resentment that your needs are viewed as second class ,or you might adopt the practice of ignoring your partner’s sexual needs (not to mention your own) within a relationship since it’s not something defined as important to you. Both concepts leave both genders unfulfilled, and at risk for huge resentment. The final result is that sex either becomes a chore or a power struggle.

#2.The idea that masturbation/self-examination is shameful, or unnecessary is deeply destructive. Our bodies mature sexually much sooner than our minds. Masturbation is a safe way to deal with natural urges with the added benefit of allowing your mind more time to reach the same level of sexual maturity. It is extremely important to be aware of our bodies, and how they function not only for a healthy sexual development, but for health issues as well. We would never let a person drive a car without studying the driver’s manual so the very idea of letting someone have a sexual experience without their own personal test drive has the potential for some very undesirable outcomes. You can not communicate to your partner concepts that you yourself are unaware of, and the idea that someone else will magically know how your body works is unfair to you ,and your partner.

#3. When it comes to sex everyone’s ego is delicate! When you are untruthful about the level of your sexual pleasure you cheat yourself, and you set your partner up for continued failure. Everyone loses! You have just set the groundwork for relationship failure. Our men want us to be honest about our desires as much as we want them to be about theirs. Also keep in mind no one’s ego enjoys harsh criticism especially in the most intimate moments. The gentle nudge, or relocation of body part placement is a really sensitive option. Both genders appreciate not having to always be the one to initiate an encounter. Everyone enjoys the concept that someone has unexpected desires towards them.

#4. Being a sexually experienced woman (or man) does not make you a whore. Men often feel as overwhelmed by a partner’s expectation of their performance, as women do, (this is where masturbation once again proves to be beneficial in regards to experience) knowing what is pleasurable for yourself goes a long way in alleviating anxiety performance for everyone.

I think that the whole “Secret Club” concept comes from our shared fear of being viewed in an unfavorable way, harsh judgement regarding how we feel, or the things we desire. I have to admit that even while writing a post I am often reluctant to share a lot of the things that cross my mind. We all fear being viewed unfavorably. I also know that I have read some incredibly honest posts regarding  some extremely personal subjects. Communicating honestly is a huge personal risk but it comes with the incredible possibility of making some very positive changes like breaking down old barriers, removing shame and stigma.  So here’s pulling up our big people pants, and putting our honest feelings out there for everyone else to see. 😉


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  1. #1 by innerdragon on February 20, 2015 - 10:06 pm

    I hear ya. #1 and #3 resonate with me A LOT.
    And it’s definitely ruined a relationship or two.
    But I just can’t seem to a) be honest with partner about what I like/dislike, b) put aside resentment, which built up over years.

  2. #2 by idioglossiablog on February 21, 2015 - 2:31 pm

    I completely understand and you are not alone! The majority of the women I know myself included have a very difficult time expressing their desires. It’s a really difficult thing to do. It took me years to get to the place where I could really openly admit to my partner my desires. I initially thought I would die from embarassment. I started out by bringing the subject up outside of the bed. I asked him if there was anything I could do to enhance his experience in bed (picture me squirming red faced, and completely unable to look him in the eye which is a little funny since he had already had sex with me many times), he was amused by my discomfort, but very pleased that I had asked. I think what surprised me the most was that he also felt just as uncomfortable as I did about expressing things he wanted to explore. When I realized he was just as reluctant to put himself in an equally vulnerable position I felt relieved, and that was the starting point for me. It was so scary! I have to tell you what surprised me the most was how exciting it was to him to be approached in this deeply honest way. Our partners what to please us, and as hard as it is we have to help them out. My best advice is talk before the sex, and approach things one tiny step at a time. I promise you as awkward as it the ending results will be equally wonderful for everyone. Use the same bravery, and honesty you share in your posts. 😉 G-uno

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