To get up to pace with my Social Experiment:
BAFFLEDBABOON SAYS: Well, I think It would be really fun to hear about one of the funniest or most awkward moments of your life.
Let me tell you first that I was quite eager to see what verbal diarrhea you guys would launch my way and I was sincerely hoping my dream of writing a composition utilizing the phrase “deprivation suit” might finally be in my grasp. *sigh* And now that I’ve told you that, if anyone suggests it now, it will seem forced and inorganic and I will have lost interest.
Now, here’s a nugget of information about me: it is very, very difficult to embarrass me. As I’m typing this I’m still trying to figure out if there is a real embarrassing memory I have to access. Traumatic, sure. Funny, got a shit ton of those, so that may end up being my fallback, but embarrassing… I’m having an impossible time spelling it even though the spelling makes me think of “bare ass”, let alone feeling it. Right now, I just spelled it three different ways, every fucking one of them wrong and if it weren’t for spell check, you would have seen that. That would have been emba…. awful.
Even though I say we had gone out drinking beforehand in those prior times of deviancy, I was dead sober when I was singing at the top of my lungs at that Denny’s with the waiter and my cohorts. As far as I know, I cannot sing. I’ve had a compliment here and there, but my own kid would make me stop when I tried to sing them to sleep.
Speaking of bare ass, I lost a game of strip poker and had to rub my ass with vaseline and imprint it on a mirror that one of the players hung in their den. Last I heard, my ass was still immortalized there. Peeling my pants off later was interesting too. There is just no way to completely remove vaseline… from…. crevices.
On a typical day when mom would drag my ass out shopping (hate shopping), I decided I was going to have a raging tantrum because she refused to buy me some dinosaur band-aids. She finally relented.
I also discovered an entire end cap of electronic versions of the mole from Caddyshack that danced and played Kenny Loggins when you hit the button. I proceeded to hit all the buttons and dance along to “I’m all right”. When my mom discovered me, she passed by as though she had no clue who I was and was equally disturbed by this strange person.
I was twenty-six years old.
I think I still have a couple of those band-aids.
When I was selling off my mom’s stuff and trying to pack up to move, I had a friend who was co-running the final yard sale with me at my house. Basically, I did the manual labor, he utilized his charisma to sell. I hate shopping, therefore I hate selling too. The piano was one of the last big items she had and I wanted to make sure it went to the right family. The newlywed and mom who made an offer were offering lower than I wanted to settle for, so my charmer was working his magic and they had been playing and singing to it for over an hour.
The music suddenly stopped and both the girl and her mom came out purple, choking, trying to laugh while covering the lower half of their faces. Then my stupid buddy comes out slowly, leaving the front door wide open with a shit-eating grin on his face and he just says “um…. sorry.”
Apparently, over the three days we had been selling, he had had copious amount of fast food and alcohol and landed an SBD that likely melted some of the paint off the inside of the house… or cauterized it on. I couldn’t enter the house for an hour. I think I refused to feed him anything but salad until he left.
I suppose I had about 90% annoyance and 10% embarrassment when right after I divorced, my roommate had gone shopping for me so I had some decent managerial-like clothing to wear for my recent promotion.
Don’t get me wrong, I was well aware I looked like a homeless reject, but as a married person, I really did nothing for myself, ever. Now that I was separated, I needed to revive a lot of that self-awareness long lost. I had given my roommate the money to shop for me since they offered and I knew they had good sense on that kind of stuff.
Most of my clothing was way too big because “ala Hefty” was much easier to select quickly and I’d rather rip out my own eyeballs before I will try anything on.
We had a corporate visit the next day, another friend wanted to get their hands on my head and I was rather freaked out by what met me in the mirror afterwards.
I managed to forget about it after a bit that next morning, especially since I’m the type who usually ignores mirrors… until I walked out on the main floor.
and got a standing ovation…
and some cat calls…
remarks about looking like proper folk, etc.
I stopped in my tracks, then slowly did a 180 and went back the way I came.
I tried to spend the rest of the day in a back office working on paperwork, but was quickly run out by my asshole boss who found all of this entirely too entertaining to let pass. I told him I hoped his girlfriend called him horny and he got hit by a dump truck before he ever got to her.
BB, I hope I didn’t disappoint! And by the way, where the hell have you been all my life, your site is epic!