earliest childhood fears (g2)

G-uno, I’m going to lure you into posting one on this one as well. I don’t know why this is what is sticking in my mind for some reason, so I’m going with it to purge it from my system.


I am an only child, I spent a great deal of time by myself and I had/have a very vivid imagination.

The earliest fear I can remember… windows.

Most especially the windows in my own room and playroom. They were low, on the same side of the house and the curtains were always pulled back which means when the light was turned on in either room, especially at night, the windows displayed only a black abyss, but anything in the room would have come into brilliant focus to anything standing outside of it looking in through those windows. I’ve always been a night owl as far back as I can remember and I just hated the feeling I got of constantly being watched when in either of these rooms.

It wasn’t the dark I feared, it was something being able to get close to me, to watch me, and I would never know it. For some reason, even the box bay window at the back of the house never bothered me like the ones on that one side did.ย Perhaps because it had curtains in the lower half of it…

I felt most comfortable in the back of Grand’s walk-in closet, my closet, under the bed, the crevice between the wall and the piano where Grand kept their violin and viola, behind the couch, in the bushes in the middle of the night, a crevice of the woodpile and the like. I even have a distinct, though blurred, memory of trying to silence those damn bells parents would put on children’s shoes to pinpoint their location. I didn’t want to be found until I was ready. If you’ve ever seen Silence of the Lambs, that moment when the bad guy is just about to touch her hair in the dark because he could see her but she couldn’t see him… that resonated with me more than anything else in that film.

I’ve come to realize that I have never really shaken it either. I refused to ever sleep in either of those rooms. Until I moved out, I slept on the couch or bunked with Grand in my younger days. My favorite spot, the couch, was in the center of the house almost completely surrounded by walls and in a corner.

Even living on my own, I usually picked the room with little to no windows. When my mom died and I moved into her house, I slept in the basement (this was a four bedroom house, mind you), on a mattress and box springs tossed directly under the one window it had because this was the only place where you couldn’t be seen if looking in through the window and I had not yet figured a good way to cover it.

Even now, My room lets in no light and I call it my bear cave. My curtains are plastic backed and always closed. I’m more likely to use a thin rug to cover a window than to leave it open andย put the rug on the floor. The only exception being one tiny windowย over the kitchen sink… but it still is mostly covered. Houses with lots of huge windows freak me out. I don’t really fear it anymore, but I get anxious and feel exposed with open or uncovered windows.

On a subconscious level I suppose this might be why I’ve become very sensitive to sunlight, my night driving is better than my day, I don’t turn a lot of lights on in my house and I can usually get my eyes adjusted outside pretty quickly. The funny thing is I don’t really have a particular problem with general voyeurism, I love to just people watch sometimes too. I think its just when its a strategic advantage that it bugs me. So far it’s only come in handy when someone is at my door I don’t want to talk to. They can’t see I’m on the other side giving them the finger.

Sidenote: when I was still in elementary school and I would sneak to the back of the house to watch Mtv like I wasn’t supposed to, the door leading to the attic would rattle from how to Grand would set up the fans in the house to cycle air through the house to keep the temperature down. It rattled bad enough it sounded like something(s) trying to get out. Instead of logic kicking in, my imagination told me it was a pack of angry leprechauns with metal fingernails that would claw the shit out of me when they got out and it sounded loud like that because could smell me nearby. Didn’t take long before I would race back to bed and hide.

Advertisements

, , , , ,

  1. #1 by blahpolar on April 8, 2015 - 7:26 pm

    Bathroom windows, under the bed, Zulu dancers, balloons popping.

    • #2 by idioglossiablog on April 8, 2015 - 10:39 pm

      Small spaces, Dracula (He wasn’t a heart throb back in our day ๐Ÿ˜‰ ), snakes, and I am 100% with you on balloons popping!
      G-uno

      • #3 by blahpolar on April 9, 2015 - 3:59 am

        Frogs.

        • #4 by idioglossiablog on April 9, 2015 - 12:15 pm

          Can’t go there I’m desensitized by my love or “The Adventures of Frog and Toad.” ๐Ÿ˜‰ G-uno

          • #5 by blahpolar on April 9, 2015 - 12:38 pm

            I’m scarred by a younger brother who loved my eeeeek reaction to frogs so much that he threw them my way whenever possible. And we lived near a stream …….

          • #6 by idioglossiablog on April 9, 2015 - 12:39 pm

            You make a valid point to be sure! ๐Ÿ˜‰
            G-uno

    • #7 by g2 on April 8, 2015 - 10:43 pm

      heh, I feel ya, BP. I am revolted by bathroom water, under the bed only scares me now because I need to clean it and would like to pretend it isn’t there, Zulu dancers… can see that but I like watching dancing in just about every form I’ve seen so far so I get overtaken with the beauty of it.

      Balloons… ok, I admit I have a guilty pleasure in popping the crap out of them… I think its my inner-Grinch. As soon as Spawn would go to bed any balloon they ever obtained was systematically destroyed and buried in the trash so the evidence would never be found ๐Ÿ™‚

      • #8 by blahpolar on April 9, 2015 - 4:06 am

        Lol! I love your balloon destruction policy.

        I remember watching Zulu dancers when I was a little kid and being rigid with fear, sitting in the red dust as what seemed like eeeeeeenormous men stomped and kicked forwards, yelling and rattling shields and iklwa (short spear for stabbing into guts at close range). And it was a tourist thing, so I wasn’t supposed to be afraid – but when I was older and understood the original intent of those dances and shouts, I thought actually I was a very perceptive kid. If I’d been from NZ I’m sure the haka would have terrified me too.

        Ahem. I’ll stop rambling now ๐Ÿ™‚

      • #14 by g2 on April 10, 2015 - 10:04 pm

        I, um, am kind of a non-buyer when it comes to balloons. I’m probably like the dog that bites all the bubbles because it pisses them off.I think I saw a retweet from one of our twitter peeps about it being a recycled condom or breath or something. I thought it a very sage-like description. Helium, though…. if it wasn’t such a nonrenewable resource, that would much more enjoyable.

  2. #15 by idioglossiablog on April 8, 2015 - 10:34 pm

    LOL I just recently told spawn to draw a window. Okay I’m in but I have a completely opposite view ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • #16 by g2 on April 8, 2015 - 10:47 pm

      Spawn does not seem to have my hangup on windows, they were scared of the dark too, so we clashed there as well. Though perhaps my perception helped tempers theirs some, not sure. Even their houses in Sims games have epic tons of windows. They would ask my help in building when they were smaller, I’d forget all about windows even being a thing. ๐Ÿ˜›

      • #17 by idioglossiablog on April 8, 2015 - 10:49 pm

        Spawn was looking for ideas on what to draw and I suggested windows ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. #18 by g2 on April 9, 2015 - 12:28 am

    Will have to remind Spawn of making sure to post the final creations then… that slacker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: