Rock Solid… Not (G-uno)

I went with the intention of providing strength, of being rock solid because she had watched her beloved sister die. Then she entered the room, suddenly I was overcome with emotion I reached for her, and I began to weep with such intensity that I felt like my body would float away. There was such a blank look in her eyes when she entered the room. She looked numb, lifeless,as though she were absent from her body. It was so painful to see that I completely lost my composure. Something I truly regret.

I regret that my reaction to the loss of her sister placed her in the position of having to comfort me, instead of me comforting her. My daughter was with me standing beside us with tearful eyes. Her partner stood beside my daughter, completely lost in the moment as I continued to uncontrollably weep. I’ve been thinking about this moment ever since it happened on Monday. Her sister who was the oldest of four sisters was only 56 years old.

I did not know her sister personally, my outpouring of grief was for her loss. I love my own sister so much that even the thought of losing her is unbearable. She had spoken to me many times about her relationships with her sisters, so I knew that she shared the same closeness that I share with mine. She lost her sister this last Sunday, on Mother’s day. Ironically this was my sister’s birthday. My sister’s birthday sometimes falls on Mother’s Day, and mine sometimes falls on Father’s day. (Gratuitous Rex would be asking “coincidence?”) I had just written my post “Note To Self” that morning before I received the awful news.

Perhaps some of my grief was for our current situation with our dying loved one, or maybe our 3 year,10 month journey has made me more sensitive to her loss. We had just attended a beloved friend’s funeral the Saturday before Mother’s Day, this may have also had a lot to do with my reaction. Her sister’s funeral will be held this Friday, and I am afraid of the possibility of losing my composure again. I’m even more afraid of seeing her pain, that lifeless look of a person so wounded that your own soul feels the after wave of her grief. Rock solid? I was not…

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  1. #1 by oceanswater on May 14, 2015 - 7:16 pm

    It’s difficult to hold your composure when it’s someone you love hurting. Don’t feel bad, she probably looked felt your love.

    • #2 by oceanswater on May 14, 2015 - 7:17 pm

      eliminate “looked” we need the ability to delete.

      • #3 by idioglossiablog on May 14, 2015 - 9:53 pm

        I agree we really do need the ability to delete. Thank you for the kind words. I really want to do better at the funeral. G-uno

      • #4 by g2 on May 14, 2015 - 11:10 pm

        you guys don’t see an edit button to the right of the post number bar? I don’t think it shows up until you mouse over it, maybe try it? I hope its not just us.

        • #5 by oceanswater on May 15, 2015 - 12:18 am

          No, not my own posts, I’m talking about when I respond to someone else’s

          • #6 by g2 on May 15, 2015 - 1:26 am

            yeah, I though you could edit those too… at least on our blog, I tried to give everyone kind of free reign. Will check and see if that is something I can change.

          • #7 by oceanswater on May 15, 2015 - 2:16 am

            Oh I know you can change my errors. I just can’t on someone else’s blog post.

  2. #8 by g2 on May 14, 2015 - 11:02 pm

    When my mom died…I wanted the whole world in tears. It felt wrong for anyone to be happy when I could barely register completely what was taken from me. The world was lopsided and wrong. It became “ok” to be sad when I my friends (who were close to her too) cried and lost it. It made me calmer. She meant something to other people, it wasn’t just me, she wasn’t just a ghost in the night.

    You have an incredible ability to empathize and fully put yourself in someone’s shoes, feeling exactly what they feel. Its one of your superpowers. I would not doubt that you will be the first one they come to when they need support. Sometimes you just need someone who can cry with you. Its not strength, its denial. Aw man, now I gotta go lose it a bit for her too…

  3. #9 by idioglossiablog on May 15, 2015 - 10:51 am

    g2 it was so emotionally brutal. Thanks for that perspective though. Truth is right now I’m a mess. G-uno

  4. #10 by innerdragon on May 16, 2015 - 1:57 am

    You’re human. There is no right or wrong, up or down (“should have” or “should not have” responded one way or another). You’re human and you responded as such. ❤

    Best wishes in all of your losses.

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