I went with the intention of providing strength, of being rock solid because she had watched her beloved sister die. Then she entered the room, suddenly I was overcome with emotion I reached for her, and I began to weep with such intensity that I felt like my body would float away. There was such a blank look in her eyes when she entered the room. She looked numb, lifeless,as though she were absent from her body. It was so painful to see that I completely lost my composure. Something I truly regret.
I regret that my reaction to the loss of her sister placed her in the position of having to comfort me, instead of me comforting her. My daughter was with me standing beside us with tearful eyes. Her partner stood beside my daughter, completely lost in the moment as I continued to uncontrollably weep. I’ve been thinking about this moment ever since it happened on Monday. Her sister who was the oldest of four sisters was only 56 years old.
I did not know her sister personally, my outpouring of grief was for her loss. I love my own sister so much that even the thought of losing her is unbearable. She had spoken to me many times about her relationships with her sisters, so I knew that she shared the same closeness that I share with mine. She lost her sister this last Sunday, on Mother’s day. Ironically this was my sister’s birthday. My sister’s birthday sometimes falls on Mother’s Day, and mine sometimes falls on Father’s day. (Gratuitous Rex would be asking “coincidence?”) I had just written my post “Note To Self” that morning before I received the awful news.
Perhaps some of my grief was for our current situation with our dying loved one, or maybe our 3 year,10 month journey has made me more sensitive to her loss. We had just attended a beloved friend’s funeral the Saturday before Mother’s Day, this may have also had a lot to do with my reaction. Her sister’s funeral will be held this Friday, and I am afraid of the possibility of losing my composure again. I’m even more afraid of seeing her pain, that lifeless look of a person so wounded that your own soul feels the after wave of her grief. Rock solid? I was not…