“Me Time” is dwindling down to its last few hours, and the truth is that things did not work out for me the way it usually does. I did manage to get more painting, and cleaning done, but as it turns out it was my own mind that I was unable to clean up. “Me Time” has always been a time were I am able to get a better grip on all the daily demands of my life. I am usually able to accomplish so many things, leaving me with a renewed sense of feeling that I have what it takes to meet the demands of my everyday life. This was not the case this time.
Instead of feeling motivated I found myself to be more robotic. It was as if my mind understood the concept, but my spirit was unable to align itself with my mind. I am usually able to take such joy in accomplishing things that I know need to be done. The very idea of being able to do these things without the other usual demands of my time is like a small piece of paradise to me. Lately I can’t seem to shake the feeling of being stuck.
Stuck in emotional quicksand. I am not functioning in my life the way I need to be, and the list of things that need to be done keep growing in monumental proportions. My anxiety is growing equally in monumental proportions. I can logically reason within my mind the solutions to fixing the problems I face, but It’s like I’m lifeless, stuck in the center of the quicksand. I keep watching myself sink a little more each day. I just don’t seem to be able to make myself function. I am angry at myself for this lack of spiritual energy.
Last night I sat beside our loved on for hours. I bathed him, changed his bedding, cleaned up his room. Then I just sat there beside him. He is unable to hold a conversation with us these days. I still keep talking, treating him the way I always do. Last night I could not talk to him that way. So instead I just pulled the chair up next to his bed. tucked my socked feet under his covers next to his. I sat with him thinking about everything. He is stuck in his own quicksand.Just like me. I can see his body from the waist up, but I know part of him has been lost beneath the quicksand.