There are points in time where your love for another human being can actually break you. I am broken. Hospice is currently in the process of evaluating our loved one’s condition. Our family has spent the last week preparing ourselves for the heart breaking moment when we must actually let him go. It was excruciating watching my husband, my children. and all of the others walk around trying to find a way to deal with this most difficult process. I found myself watching each family member as they struggled to come to terms with their own grief. Broken spirits walking around in their physical bodies like empty ghosts.
Each one trying to find a way to love him, and be there for him. I just keep cleaning things, cooking, and in the moments when the others take a small break from his side I run to be with him. I keep bathing him, changing his linens, and sitting beside him as I have for the last four years of his life. When we are alone he looks at me almost as though he can see straight through me. I wonder if to him we all look like ghosts. I know he knows on some level that he is leaving us, but we never directly speak about this because it’s simply too hard.
People are a lot like a beautiful piece of crystal. We come in many unique forms, but we are all transparent, easily broken. Even though we can sometimes be mended back together you can never be the same way you were before you were broken. The Japanese revere imperfection. In tea ceremonies the bowl with the most cracks is considered to be the most beautiful bowl. It represents the beauty brought about by the passage of time. It also evokes the lonely sense of impermanence. We all change with each passing moment.
In our moments right now I can see each of us slowly breaking. Tender moments where your heart, and your mind become so filled with grief that it has to break in order to release the immense pain that overflows from inside of you. It’s the love that breaks you…