I’m Wide Awake (G-uno)

The Universe has a way of making sure you have actually learned the lesson you proclaim you have learned. Kind of like the pop quizzes your teachers threw your way to make sure you actually did learn your assignment. As a student I don’t think I realized that the purpose of the quiz was to make sure you had a solid foundation of understanding so that your next lesson would be a little easier to grasp.

Just as in this moment I am starting to understand that the Universe is the great teacher, and that life is the great lesson. So before I go any further let me say that I did pass yesterday’s pop quiz with a 90% passing grade. Normally my ego would be bruised by the fact that I made a B, instead of an A, but this was a particularly difficult quiz!

After four years of being by our loved one’s side at a long-term care facility watching our once healthy loved one dwindle slowly.and painfully in front of our eyes until the day we had to make the heart wrenching decision to turn off the feeding tube; changed me in a way that I seemed to be unable to understand. It was as though each day I could feel his emotion, his pain, and with each passing day I seemed to die a little bit with him.

I had slipped into the deepest depths of what I describe as “emotional quicksand.” I was emotionally paralyzed. So much so that I can honestly tell you I lost myself in those 4 years. It was absolutely brutal on every level. Then yesterday I get a phone call telling me our loved one’s brother-in-law (Someone our loved one,& I love deeply) has been hospitalized, barely able to speak from a small stroke. Next I am told he will be going to the same long-term facility our loved one had lived, and died in exactly 2 months ago tomorrow. He will even be staying on the same floor.

The uncle  is no stranger to this place, he visited our loved one there many times over the last 4 years. There it was this huge area of “emotional quicksand” open, and waiting for me to slip back inside to a way of existing without actually living. It was the Universe’s pop quiz. In the middle of this hauntingly familiar scenario I wanted for a split second go into the fetal position, and drown  myself in the quicksand. Hence the 90% grade. Ten percent marked off for even thinking of slipping back into the all too familiar beckoning quicksand!

Then as I held our uncle’s hand, fully aware of what will come I began to speak to him. Not about what will come, but about what was happening in that present moment. I did not ask him about his situation, instead we talked, and joked amongst ourselves in the same way he always loved, and did with us. Even though he could only listen. He did not hear fear, nor sadness. He heard family, laughter, and love.

I was overcome with the feeling of knowing I have learned my life lesson. I did leap over the quicksand, and straight into my fears. The next life lesson will begin, and this time I’m Wide Awake! 😉

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  1. #1 by Shivani K on September 5, 2015 - 1:48 pm

    There is so much heart in this that despite the subject being sad, it made me smile. Yes, we often learn the most needed lessons the most difficult way, but it helps. It prepares us so that we get an A grade in our next pop quiz.
    I am so glad not only because you redeemed yourself but also because you learnt the lesson with a smile and that you shared it with us all.

  2. #3 by blahpolar on September 6, 2015 - 1:10 am

    Strongs.

    • #4 by idioglossiablog on September 6, 2015 - 12:10 pm

      Look whose talking. 😉 Still sending much love and positive thoughts your way my friend! G-uno

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