Sexy Halloween costume designers… it’s time to throw in the towel, you’ve obviously exhausted it all. Please stop. Really. (g2)

I would imagine most of you have, at least, heard of the below video in which a industrious rat is trying its best to make off with a slice of pizza twice its size. I’ve barely watched it, thought it cute, and moved on with my life.

And then Halloween comes rolling around and I’m perusing costume-related sites to plunder for inspiration and good ideas. Why I keep doing this, I don’t know since I just get pissed off and disappointed every year by the obvious lack of any creative investment these companies churn out every single year. You’d think my standards would be low enough since when I was kid, cut out garbage bags with one side printed with the actual character and the fragile yet suffocating mask combo sets were considered the “cool kid” options. It your costume was homemade, you were poor. Before you ask, I was the poor kid. I was the kid who was so unlucky and had full, fairly canon Native American garb that I wore for several years after being told there was some Nth Cherokee on my father’s side. I loved my costume, but then again, I was weird and liked homemade.

I should be happy the two dimensional world has evolved into such that costumes now look like costumes ALL THE WAY AROUND. When I was a kid, it was “Oh costume!..  I think” on the front side, kitchen trash bags on the other. Not even underoos bothered printing both sides of your favorite superhero. I suppose the thinking is you weren’t looking at the back so they didn’t bother.

Then when I think it’s could not get more mundane, more stupid, more “sexy” and more boring, I see this shit…

Rat pizza, but sexy Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the rat pizza video…. but SEXY.

WHAT IN HELL IN BEING COMMUNICATED HERE?! What’s the goal?

Why in the world did they feel this needed to exist, and actually charge for real money? Personally, had the guy who sketched this shit came and said this was his great idea, I’d transfer his ass to janitorial since that’s obviously where anything he creates belongs.

Also here, on the left we have a somewhat cheap looking but altogether G-rated Elmo costume. You know what it is and what the goal of the costume was… you’re Elmo, I get it. The one to the right looks more like Elmo was massacred, cut into  stripes and the remaining pieces entwined on random parts of the female form with the severed skull glued on like a hat. It’s terrifying as well as stupid.

There is sexy corn, sexy watermelon, sexy musical instruments, sexy mustard/catsup, sexy Winnie the Pooh, sexy flags… yes, like country flags! Done sexy! In fact, it seems that every single bland but respectable costume for men seems to have a counterpart on the female side that begs the question… “where’s the rest of it?”

If the costume companies want to start really seeing their designs really fly off the shelves, they need to overhaul the entire thought process: Make the female costumes first. When you make the complementary male one, you have to use the same amount of material you used for the female one… or start over because obviously you just did something stupid.

I can totally get behind a Conan the Barbarian to a Red Sonya. Yes, they’re skimpy, but they’re meant to be. Elmo isn’t porn and shouldn’t be treated as such just because you’re making a costume for someone in possession of tits. Princess Leia in the slave costume has probably been the subject of about 87% of wet dreams since the 70’s. That too, I can totally understand. Being G-rated there and adding sleeves and pants would detract from the authenticity (yeah, the authenticity… that sounds convincing right?).

Spawn has had… well, you can tell how energetic I was feeling about their costume choices by how much I involved my rudimentary sewing skills into it. One year, I spent an entire month altering patterns to mold into an obscure anime character that no one recognized until they wore it again for a local comic con. This year, the choice was Happy from the anime, Fairy Tail. Two purchases from Amazon and I was done.

Unfortunately, Spawn wasn’t. Due to their wild colored hair and hair cut, they were approached by a couple kids and asked if they were a character from some semi-recent kid’s flick. Spawn was like “What a great idea!” All of a sudden, Happy was dropped and I was enlisted for some minor sewing whether I liked it or no. Of course, my biggest issue is that once I get involved, I have a lot of ideas…like using light thin material attached at the wrists when Spawn wanted to be a “bender” from Avatar: The Last Airbender so they could really “bend,” with places to stash them for treat hunting. Wanting to use prosthetics and makeup to take it up a notch, making spats that turn basic sneakers into furry knee boots, proposing to paint their full body to further push it to more canon, buying more than one wig because I didn’t like the first one… I’m not obsessed, but I like a little extra touch to give it more authenticity. Spawn wasn’t having any of it, and this is probably the first year I hated the costume. It didn’t turn out good enough in my mind, but was plenty for them. I know that’s all that should matter, but it annoys me still.

As far as the costume market goes though, I’m just sick of the most mundane of shit being made “sexy” because whoever designs these things is either sex-starved, 12, has never been outside of a porn house and thinks all women like dressing slutty or has some seriously sex addict issues they need to resolve. What happened to being clever? To being creative? To be unusual? I honestly don’t think store bought will ever really trump homemade in this area. It’d be nice if they’d at least try. Otherwise, why bother?

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  1. #1 by jasminehoneyadams on November 7, 2015 - 11:50 am

    “Where’s the rest of it?” Well said. Especially about making men’s costumes out of the same amount of fabric. The elmo one was just plain creepy. Also Happy was an ADORABLE idea for a costume (although I’d totally go for Erza Scarlett personally – fully clothed AND has a giant sword), what a shame they changed their mind 😦

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