I guess having someone make an observation about you that confuses you might actually be very common. Self-awareness isn’t exactly common. Considering I spend quite a large amount of time trying to assess my mental standing on an ongoing basis, I tend to be a little more surprised than normal, especially when I seem to be way off.
I’ve been struggling lately with the desire to blog being beaten down by the desire to bitch. Not that I have a big issue with bitching, but I like it to be riddled with enough humor that is kind of muddled down to an “awww, ain’t it cute” level. I don’t like when all I want to do is rage and I don’t feel it’s constructive to share that. I hate it when I cannot convince my own mind to let go of the anger, I hate it even more if I drag someone else into it with me.
Now if I was having a turf war with my posse that’d be one thing, but this is mostly me latching onto unnecessary crap that goes against my philosophy of “indifference is the best revenge.” Lately, and for many months, what has been consuming me has been a large volume of petty little shit, stuff that usually doesn’t bother me.
My computer died. Some of the hardware I ordered was bad. I procrastinated on sending it back and apparently, even though it was not on, it decided to have a mini-fireworks display of a short out of the blue, effectively frying the bad parts further as well as possibly taking out some of the good. Now I cannot send it back.
I have discovered some bugs in the house and want to set it on fire and move. I know the winter is some of the influence as they migrate to warm areas and finding the occasional forgotten lunch nugget under a pile of old homework a’la Spawn isn’t helping. I miss living in the frozen desert of the west because it was too cold for this crap. Roaches can survive a nuclear war, but they cannot survive in the upper midwest of the US. Think on that.
I am hating the company I work for. Over a year of nonstop stress over stuff that I have to shoulder the blame for internally and externally in spite of my having nothing to do with it, my annual review being completely ignored all compiles to more than I am willing to take, especially considering my take home is less than my last job. With Spawn’s sights on a school in the upper part of the state in a few years (an expensive one), I’m thinking that will be a good direction. I also want to head out west soon after.
I’m also feeling choked by clutter and want to sell, trash or give away almost everything I own. I lived with the packrat that was Grand, so I short circuit when it gets too much.
Yesterday, I get a call from one of my fellow parent buds. They needed to pick up their car and needed a ride. Although I sincerely did not want to, I wanted to contemplate my next actions on my freshly revamped, cleaned and heavily modded installation of Skyrim that I plan on burying myself in when I could confiscate Spawn’s computer for a few hours.
I agreed to giving them a ride because… karma. Spawn had a ton of homework, so I suggested ditching the kids together so they can finish while we get the vehicle. My friend grabbed pizza for the kids and we go figure out what to eat that we know they’d hate. Seafood ended up being the answer.
We talk, we gripe, we trade advice, we vent, we laugh, we joke, we eat ourselves sick. I contemplate whether I still have the drinking skills to take out a massive margarita and still drive straight. I opt not. It’s dark, raining, it’s been over 10 years since I’ve had any copious amount of alcohol and I live in the state with the highest percentage of bad drivers already.
My buddy remarked that they were happy to see the edge was off me that day. I’m pretty sure I looked like a dog when it perks its ears and cocks its head to the side. My face went dead and I just asked “huh?” They said I seem to have less stress and mental weight on me that day than I have had in a long while. I was absolutely puzzled. Was I this good an actor? Was I secretly in a good mood and hadn’t noticed? Was I not still pissed about the same stuff that I’d been pissed about for months? Well, yeah I was still pissed about it.
Was there anything about today that was brighter, more special or good? Nah. I was being fed the same line of shit at work of “It’s ok, in about a month this will get SO much better and we’ll be back on track” that I’ve been hearing since I started there a few years ago. It’s a bad record I stopped acknowledging a long time ago.
To be honest, I don’t know. Perhaps in the back of my mind, I’m slowly embracing the indifference I have been longing for the past several months over the stupid stuff I can’t change and shouldn’t matter. Maybe deciding to look for a new job was enough to make me feel better. Maybe fantasizing about setting the house on fire is the positive imagery I was needing. Maybe I’m just excited that Santa is coming.