Archive for December, 2015

2015 The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (G-uno)

My Sister, and I are extremely close. She knows me in the way that only a person who has shared the same childhood can know you. Our childhood like so many of others out there was not the childhood famously captured in a Norman Rockwell painting. Ours was filled with dark secrets of violence, abuse, and scattered moments of average family life. There was love, closeness, and some extremely happy times, but the darkness always held the power to overshadow all of that with very little warning. Every year we share the tradition of spending New Years Eve together.
New Years Eve happens to be Mr G-uno’s birthday. He, and the little G-unos are camping deep in the woods which is their tradition. I don’t have an ounce of pioneer blood coursing through my veins. They will ride their dirt bikes, shoot their guns, and sit around campfires with a few others who share their love of camping.
My sister, and I will have a quiet dinner together. Then we will make our way to curl up on the couch in our jamies to begin our own personal recall of the past year. We usually give the passing year an overname. I plan to dub 2015 “The Year of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.” For me the year has absolutely been a wild ride. I’ve been hired, and fired! I’ve lost loved ones, and welcomed new ones. I had a front row seat to engagements, and weddings. I’ve also see longtime marriages come to a bitter end.
I have experienced great love, and extraordinary moments of happiness. I have also seen sickness, and great depression. It’s been a wild ride for sure. We have endured the good, the bad, and a great deal of ugly, and in spite of it all I feel like the good has significantly outweighed the bad. My sister would probably tell you that seeing the good over the bad has been my personal survival tactic from very early on in this life. She’s a very reliable source, but I prefer to let the good things in my life prevail over the bad things. There is always so much to be grateful for.
I hope the New Year will bring you all the very best!  If it does bring you some of the bad, or the more difficult things in life, my wish is that you learn from the things that you encounter, and always know we are all in this together. Happy New Year!   P.S. I can’t wait to hear my sister’s overname for this year. 😉

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So I Told Frank’s Mom It Might Be A Good Idea To Seek Psychiatric Help (G-uno)

Let me start out by saying that did not go so well. The woman who is usually quite emotionless welled up with emotion. She was pretty angry about the whole situation. She told me that I should not make accusations about things I don’t know anything about! Then she told me that she didn’t realize I had a degree in Psychology, and that I could be making a lot more money in that field!
I apologized for upsetting her. I told her that I had seen a similar reaction from my brother who suffers from mental illness, and that we found a great doctor who was able to help him almost immediately. She then told me she was sorry that we have mental problems in our family, but that did not mean that Frank was mentally ill. Then she asked me to leave.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I started out by saying that I was worried about them all. That Frank’s threat to hurt her had stayed on my mind. Then I asked her if she had considered seeing  someone about his anger. Then everything went south from there. Mr G-uno says that I had more time to think about all of this before speaking to her, and that maybe she needs some time to take this all in herself.
The most difficult part of being someone’s personal assistant is remaining fairly invisible from their lives. I may have crossed a boundary here. 😦

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Frank Told Me He Wanted To Hurt His Mom (G-uno)

I’m not sure what I’m dealing with here, but I know it’s huge. You should have seen the look she gave me when I told her that Frank said he wanted to hurt her. It was almost like she had heard this before. I’m starting to get that her strangeness may actually be mental exhaustion on her part. I can see that she is doing her best to use tough love to set boundaries with Frank’s relentless defiance. I can see that they have reached a point where this approach is only increasing his anger to nuclear levels.
This nine year-old boy is enraged on a constant basis. There are these rare moments when he is just a boy who is trying to reach out to me. I can see that I intrigue him. Then this kind of darkness seems to wash over him like a wave in the ocean, then another wave washes over him, and he sees that I have witnessed a side of himself he seems unable to control. This emabrasses him so he becomes enraged all over again. He is agitated in such an intense way, and his moods are erratic.
He’s so small, so young that seeing him experience whatever this is, is emotionally painful for me. Our last day together was the day after he had broken out his bedroom windows. He, and I were suppose to go thrift store shopping for some of the items on his list. His Mother told me (in front of Frank) that as part of his punishment we could not spend our day as planned. That I was not to buy him anything. He just sat there glaring at her.
So I took him to lunch, then to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks new movie. Afterwards we stopped by the store so he could window shop. I was trying to give him some incentive to behave a little better for mom. Then I saw that he had taken something from the store, and stuffed it into his pocket. I asked him what he had, and as he took it from his pocket I reached for the object in his hand. This just enraged him. He started cussing at me, he was furious that I had reached for his hand.
I looked at him sternly. I told him that I do not speak to you that way ,and that he was not allowed to speak to me that way. He looked me straight in the eyes, and asked me what I thought I was going to do about it? I told him that I would call his mother to pick him up, and that I would leave after she arrived. I explained that friendship is something I take very seriously, that I would never let anyone who was my friend treat me that way.
He stood there staring at me then finally he apologized. He immediately began to tell me why it was my fault that he behaved that way. I listened then I told him no, no one is responsible for anyone else’s behavior. I told him that he is in charge of himself, and that I am not interested in being his boss. Then he told me that sometimes he doesn’t like me because I am too nice. I told him that was okay, but he did have to treat me the same way way I treat him.
I have the feeling that his behavior is not always within his control. I think he knows this too…

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Just When You Thought Things Couldn’t Get Any Stranger…

Ellie May Clampet has taken a serious turn for the worst. End stage Alzheimer’s is a devastating thing to witness. It’s been brutal for her foremost, but this brutality spills over her loved ones like an impermeable oil. Every single aspect of their lives is covered in this oil. She has reached a stage where it’s become impossible for her to swallow solid foods. She is unable to get out of her bed, and every part of her body aches from the steady increase of atrophy that is taking over her muscles. The human body has just over 200 muscles so there isn’t a single part of her body that is not experiencing this pain.
Things with “Mysterious Frank” have also reached a new forbidding level. I witnessed behaviors that left me dazed in disbelief. I had just reached a point where I could see him as an awkward nine year-old boy, but all of that went right out the window (no pun intended) when I arrived at his house, and his mother pointed me towards his room where she had boarded up both of his bedroom windows with plywood.
Apparently he had been given the choice to clean up all the toys off of his bedroom floor, or his mother would sweep up his toys, and throw them into the garbage. He chose not to clean up, so she swept everything on the floor, and tossed it into the trash. This is the point where Frank retaliated by smashing his windows out with a wooden book end! When I asked him why he looked up at me with a very flat affect saying ” I’m not her fucking maid!”
It’s my friend’s first Christmas without her husband in over thirty years, and she received a credit card statement with a 2,000 dollar charge from one of our most expensive jewelry stores. Guess who wasn’t getting a gift from that store.
As for me I never did decorate my house. There is no menorah, no Christmas tree, and no lights. I did however spend most of the afternoon shopping for each person’s Christmas stockings.  Ever since I was  a small child the one thing that I loved most about Christmas (Christmas tree aside) was searching through my stocking for hidden treasures
A simple pleasure that requires extreme knowledge of the person to whom it belongs. The only thing better than slowly emptying your own stocking is watching those you love go through theirs. First I  will take care of Ellie May in the morning. It’s my gift to her, and her family. They will be able to have some time with their families without wondering if Mom is okay. She will be freshly bathed, and I will make sure she has her Ensures for nutrition.
Then I will go home, and cook for my family. I will not worry about all of the many things I was unable to accomplish. I will talk, laugh, and watch my favorite Christmas movies with those who mean so much to me. I will not forget how lucky I am to be able to do this with my family. I will take moments to remember those who can not be with us as we enjoy the holiday because that is how we are able bring them along. I will also take a moment to wonder what so many of you will be doing with your day.
However you celebrate your holiday my wish for you all is the same. May you be surrounded with love, have the gift of contentment, and someone who knows exactly what you would hope to find in your stocking. 😉

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christmas tip: don’t masturbate with cats in the house, a cat’s story (g2)

‘Twas not quite close to Christmas,

still nothing was stirring,

‘cept that blanket lump that was obviously a mouse.


I silently  crept closer to further observe,

this mammalian invader,

for which I would soon self-serve.


It’s gyrations from left to right,

seemed senseless yet frantic,

I couldn’t help but wonder the motive of its plight.


I stared in awe at this creature,

hypnotized by the dance,

It was more entertaining than a double feature.


I finally broke away my gaze,

to steal under the blanket,

to better stalk my prey.


Just as I was about to pounce on my prey,

my owner let out such a shout,

from under the blanket I did scurry away.


When I dared look back,

not a lump could be found,

just my human ready to attack.


I can only guess,

this tiny invader has somehow,

my human impressed.


This will not do,

I will be diligent next time,

I’ll be watching for you…


You Had Me Right Up To The Moment You Decided To Screw Someone Else (G-uno)

Guess whose cheating hubby I bumped into at Old Navy? I was shopping for my kids, he was shopping for his twenty-four year old mistress. He is still my friend, but he is not in my good graces right now. He did not accidentally fall into his 24 year-old secretary’s vagina, and betray my other friend. It was a conscious, deceitful choice that has deeply hurt a lot of people I love.
This is the first time I’ve seen him since I went over to pick his wife up from his office the day she decided to confront the other woman. He knows that his wife, and children confide in me so he knew I was told about the whole invitation fiasco where his mistress decided to invite his children over for a Christmas dinner. He also knows that I will not lie to him.
I said hello first, and he sheepishly said hello back. Talk about an awkward moment. It wasn’t like I could ask him how things were going, or what his plans were for Christmas. So as I stood there thinking about what to say, he said “This is pretty awkward.” I told him that’s what I was just thinking. Then I just came out, and told him “Look you are still my friend, but I’m angry that you’ve hurt my other friends so deeply!” With that being said I don’t know how to balance being your friend, while still being loyal to them.
He shook his head in an understanding way, then he said we tried to extend the olive branch by inviting the kids over for a Christmas dinner that wouldn’t interfere with Christmas with their mom. I said “Yes, I know can I ask you why you decided to do that? He quickly snapped back that he was still their father! I said “Yes you are their father, but she is nothing to them except someone who has betrayed their mother.” He snapped again saying “Well  I guess since I’ve betrayed their mother too I don’t count any more either!”
I said”Look you made a choice to be involved with this young lady, but being their father doesn’t mean they have to do the same. You have not just betrayed their mother, but you have lied, and deceived them as well. They love you, but they will never forgive her for being a part of this betrayal. They will eventually forgive you, but you have some damage repair to do with your individual relationships with them.”  He glared at me and said “I suppose you would like an apology too.”
Annoyed by his arrogance I told him “No but I’d really like to see some results from your brain scan if you decide to have one.”




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Holiday Woes, And Christmas Hoes (G-uno)

Apparently having an affair with someone who is twenty plus years your senior can elude you into believing that you are mentally in the same age group. Our friend’s twenty-four year old lover decided it would be a good idea to invite his children over for a little Christmas dinner. Now keep in mind our friend’s children are all older than his mistress. Not to mention that he just left his wife right before Thanksgiving of this year, but she felt that inviting the kids over would somehow be okay.
As you might have guessed this was a colossal misjudgement on her part. Why our friend did not give his young mistress a heads up on how this was such a bad idea I will never know. The young mistress actually called the oldest daughter to extend the invitation. The oldest daughter laughed, and asked her if this was some kind of a bad joke.The young mistress said no she thought this would give all the kids a chance to celebrate Christmas with their Dad, and give them a chance to get to know each other.
To which the oldest daughter replied “No, not today, not ever!” So the young mistress says well that may be how you feel, but I’m still going to invite your sister & brother. The oldest daughter laughed again, and told her to knock herself out. So the mistress calls his son, who wouldn’t even answer her calls period, and then she called the youngest daughter who is the baby of this family. She also happens to be two years older than her dad’s mistress. The baby of the family is known for her short temper, and her inability to mince words.
The baby expecting the call after speaking with her older siblings, so she had a little time to think about what she was going to say. She asked the mistress if she was high, or something? Then she proceeded to tell her that no one in her family had any intention of spending any time with the hoe who knowingly cheated with another woman’s husband, aka our dad! Then she told her that she was pissed at the way she took advantage of her mother’s friendship, and her generosity while she was busy fucking her husband, aka our dad! Then she finished her conversation by saying that the only time she would ever even think of her this Christmas was when she saw a male senior citizen  sitting in a chair with an under aged child on his lap, and heard him calling her name aka hoe, hoe, hoe!
I have always loved this kid! I do have to say that everytime I’m in the mall, or somewhere else where the jolly old guy is hanging out, my smile is a little wider when I hear him say ho, ho, ho! 😉

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