Spawn is getting to the age of doubt about the whole fat guy thing. I’m a huge proponent of them believing in magic and Santa until they die of old age and as long as I’m alive, I’m going to do my best to do my part to ensure their believe and faith in magic.
Unfortunately, I’m unable to beat the living shit out of other’s people’s children, as much as the idea of snapping them in half by their head and ankles makes me giddy.
The little shits loudly proclaim the fat man false and I loudly counter they must be off the list then, good job, I’d crap in your stocking too with such a positive ‘tude.
It’s amazing I have a mature kid, I’m aware.
I don’t get it. If you no longer wish to believe in Santa, what right does that give you to shit on everyone else? Do they feel they are unveiling some grand conspiracy?
Mind you, I ran into Santa at the ripe old age of… two. Yes, two years old, it is indeed my earliest memory. I fell asleep in a corner hidden behind a violin case and woke up to the noise of Santa. I admit it was jarring, here I’d just barely gotten down the idea of some stranger being in our house only to find out the unique truth to that almost immediately after, but I’m an only child. I was ok with the idea I didn’t have to share Santa.
With Spawn, I’ve had to be realistic early. With an observant older cousin and a wise soul, I’ve had to be quick on the draw about a lot of things:
- Why do some kids have so much less/more than I do?
- Because as parents, we get a bill from Santa. He makes the magic and we provide the resources. Not all parents have the same resources. Not all kids want the same things. Some don’t want Santa at all.
- Why do some kids get nothing?
- Like all resources, even Santa has a limit. He gets to as many children as much as he can. Grown-ups try to help where they can as well and step in sometimes where Santa just cannot reach, but there will always be some that are missed, so matter how hard we try. Maybe one day we can say every kid who wishes for Santa will have him.
- My friend Muhammed al Hinkerschmidtbach says Santa never visits him, why not? Whose Saint Nick? Whose Kristkind? Whose Krampus?
- He doesn’t visit every child, he visits those who believe in him and wish for him, i.e. Jewish and many other religions do not welcome Santa. He also exists in different forms based on location. Krampus is a scary fucker and why I will not be moving to Germany, like ever. Be glad you’re a good kid and shut up about that one or he might show up like Bloody Mary. Who suddenly wants to binge watch some Netflix?
- Waaaaaahhh! I can’t go to sleep! Santa is going to skip over me!!!!
- No worries, he actually texted and said he was held up with Ming-Lau over in China, you have some time to get drowsy, let’s make some cocoa.
- Isn’t this the wrapping paper Santa used on my gifts last year?
- Well that fat bastard! Why the hell should I have to clean up after his ass. (Spawn’s response: “Guess I know why you don’t get visits from Santa…”)
Spawn writes long notes to the tooth fairy and gets pissed when she doesn’t write back. Spawn has done the same with Santa for ages. I dutifully mail Santa letters off to North Pole, AK every year but Spawn likes to cut it very close and too often their wish list is left out with the cookies. I’ve had to explain on more than one occasion that if I wasn’t emailing updates they wouldn’t have gotten anything. It doesn’t seem to phase them. It’s like there is an unwavering faith at the same time there is doubt.
This year, Spawn’s philosophical question to Santa this year is:
“When do kids not get stuff from you anymore, what’s the limit? Adults still want things, but they are too old.”
Suggestions on how to respond?
Also, and possibly my favorite part of the letter:
“I want to wish you and everyone else on this planet Merry Christmas, whether they are old, young, poor, rich, nice or mean. Remember to wish them that when you stop by.”