Can Marriages Survive Infidelity? (G-uno)

Infidelity is a deal breaker in my marriage. That’s just me though. I personally only know one other couple who have managed to survived after one spouse cheated. She happens to be a very close friend in our little circle. After the whole confronting the other woman scene our little group circled around our friend for some support. That’s when the big question came up, and out of the five of us one couple has survived an affair. My stripper pole friend feels that she will never be able to salvage her marriage.
She feels like I do about the whole thing. I know I would eventually forgive, but I could never forget. I have a long memory, and loyalty is a huge thing for me. I would always be looking for the signs I somehow missed, there would be accusations, and never ending doubt. All of that would cripple me emotionally, and I don’t ever want to try to live that way.
Our surviving friend says that she started out feeling that way, but after four years she feels her marriage is stronger, even better than before. She feels like she is able to be more honest with her husband now because she no longer worries about the horrible feeling of what if he does this again. I can only speculate, but I’m pretty certain that would be the one thing I would never be able to stop worrying about. She say’s that once you’ve it rock bottom there’s no place to go, but up.
Our other friend agreed saying that after decades of being married she couldn’t  imagine walking away without trying. So I’m wondering how other people feel about this subject. Can Marriages survive infidelity?
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  1. #1 by Rita on December 11, 2015 - 1:47 am

    Yes.

  2. #3 by Brian on December 11, 2015 - 4:10 pm

    I got busted in 2008 (or so) for having an affair while my spouse was busy turning herself into a 5′ tall bottle of whiskey. Even endured a half assed suicide attempt on her part before I strayed. Getting caught – not red-handed, no hard evidence, just a deep suspicion on my spouses part – acted as a catalyst to getting us into couples therapy. Therapist worked with us individually and as a couple. We made tons of progress, spouse worked AA, I entered Al Anon, and we each worked our programs.

    Then our therapist moved to Virginia, I was forced to change jobs and lost contact with Al Anon, spouse dropped out of AA. In the years since, I can see my spouse sliding back into the bottle, No where near as bad as it was before, but with Al Anon experience, I know better how to deal with it – that doesn’t include running off to a FWB.

    We have 34 years invested in this thing. After having weathered major fuck ups by both of us, I don’t know what either of us now considers “the last straw” anymore. Today, I’m not thouroughly disgusted and am actually in a decent place. Tomorrow? Who knows. It ain’t for everybody, but it’s what I’ve got.

    • #4 by idioglossiablog on December 11, 2015 - 6:43 pm

      Thanks for for weighing in on this, and congratulations on seeing things through. I’ve been in the same relationship for 34 years also, and your right about never knowing what tomorrow will bring. I admire you both for not bailing when things got so hard. You have me beat hands down in the maturity department. 😉 G-uno

      • #5 by Brian on December 12, 2015 - 12:30 am

        Don’t know about that maturity bit, I AM a male and vulnerable to the ‘Peter Pan Principle’ 😉 There was also the house and other extenuating circumstances that made the thought of trying to split it all quite daunting.

        • #6 by idioglossiablog on December 12, 2015 - 12:45 am

          I can see how that would all factor in you built a life together. Brian do you think that people go outside of the marriage as a way of ending things, or just to feel that shiny new feeling again?

  3. #7 by KcRambles on December 11, 2015 - 5:54 pm

    I think it depends on the couple and circumstances. For me as my husband Infidelity is a deal breaker. I, as you never forget, and I’m a person who can hold a grudge fiercely. As I think I would seek out revenge eventually and make him pay with my own affair. (Eye for and eye). But truth is once someone hurts and disappoints me- all love is lost and I cut that person from my life.

    • #8 by idioglossiablog on December 11, 2015 - 6:36 pm

      Thanks for weighing in, and like you I would just not be able to forget. G-uno

  4. #9 by Polysyllabic Profundities on December 11, 2015 - 7:15 pm

    I am with you – I don’t think I would ever be able to stop wondering if he was going to do it again. I’ve known a few people whose relationship started by cheating on their spouses with each other and they forged a new relationship. I would always wonder – “if they cheated with me, what’s to stop them from cheating on me?” It’s a vicious game.

    • #10 by idioglossiablog on December 11, 2015 - 10:59 pm

      I agree. I’m just not mature enough to get past that kind of oops. I have to say I am in awe of those who have managed to work through this. Our friend is very open about the whole thing. She feels like we have to remove the shame, decide if you still are in love with the other person, and if you are start over. Thanks for weighing in on the subject. I’m so fascinated by everyone’s perspective. G-uno

  5. #11 by g2 on December 14, 2015 - 2:51 pm

    I too, like G-uno, am of the bail type should my SI cheat. Relationships are based on trust, no trust, everything else comes down like a house of cards. In my mind, who you are and who I thought you were are no longer the same.

    My former spouse was an emotional sponge, lot of taking but no giving. I spent most of our marriage just feeling wrung out, a dry husk. I’d already made my mind to leave but not how. With how emotionally reliant they were on me for their entire self-worth it would have been impossible.

    Until I realized that a leech attached to a body with no blood flow will fall off from starvation. I get it’s brutal to think of my ex as a leech, but pretty accurate. Cease the affection, fuck them coldly like a transaction, and by the time I left I think they were even a little grateful.

    I’m pretty sure they were already putting out feelers for new bodies too, which is why it didn’t surprise me when they moved in with someone 5 months after I left. So I guess, even though it didn’t happen while we were still together, I could see how one could kind of push their partner to cheat. It still didn’t excuse it if they had though. I wasn’t emotionally getting what I needed either, but I didn’t seek it elsewhere. Actually, the very idea of diverting my attention to someone else AND trying to hide that was downright exhausting if not altogether revolting.

  6. #12 by wetraveltoo on December 17, 2015 - 7:09 pm

    I think infidelity is the effect, the causes are multiple. There are many problems which kept unsolved can lead to this. Once it is done, if the causes are not cured then the final effect will be the same.

    • #13 by idioglossiablog on December 17, 2015 - 7:14 pm

      Causes can be more illusive than most of us think. Thanks for weighing in on the subject. I think you are right.
      G-uno

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