Who Is More To Blame In An Affair The Spouse Or The Person They Cheat With? (G-uno)

In My little circle the answer was unanimous, the spouse! We feel that the spouse made the commitment so they are more to blame. I will not lie, and tell you that we forgive the 24 year-old for her side in this entire mess. I won’t even tell you that we’ve been kind to the doe eyed girl who didn’t learn in preschool that it’s not ok to take what belongs to someone else. Publicly we’ve been mature, but privately we have trashed her back to the stone ages.
The trashing is not because she is 24, but that age just naturally conjures up more disparaging comments for two reasons. The first is to alleviate the inner cringe we all feel when we remember that she is two years younger than his daughter. The second reason is that all of us have children in this age range so find the humor in the difference of the 50 something year-old life experience/thinking, and that of the 20 something range.
I think that a lot of people feel like ouch you were traded for a younger model. It might surprise you to know that the actual betrayal is what stings the most. The age is not as traumatizing due to the fact that having an affair with someone younger does not make you younger. No one can deny the physical lure of the 20 something person, but there’s a an equally alluring quality that comes with the experienced confident 50 something person. I would be tempted to make a trade for my 24 year-old physical self, but not at the expense of my 50 something mentality.
Sure I liked my 20 something body better, but I like the way I feel about myself now better. You should also know my stripper pole friend has a rocking figure, and a beautiful face. She is incredibly  smart & sexy. She would have zero trouble finding men of any age who would want to be with her. The problem here is that she loves the the man she built a life with. People who have been in a long-term relationships know that marriages are never perfect, but the promise was for better or worse till death do us part.
I was pleasantly surprised to find out that so many of you out there do believe a marriage can survive infidelity. Even happier to know that some of you like our other friend, did find a way to make things work after the affair. I’m not sure that my friends will be able to survive his affair because some of us equate infidelity as a death, the death of a marriage.

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  1. #1 by KcRambles on December 12, 2015 - 1:11 am

    No one excuses the AP if she/he willingly went in to the affair knowing of their lovers relationship status. But I think the majority of the blame falls on the husband/wife that engaged in the affair- breaking his/her vows. IMO.
    Now, how long will a 24 year old stay in a relationship with a 50 something year old?
    I for one cannot speak for others, and I’ve never been in this situation but this is my own opinion. And like I stated bf I wouldn’t be able to forget the betrayal, humiliation and hurt, therefore my pride would not let me move forward with my marriage in the case my husband wanted me to forgive and try to work it out.

    • #2 by idioglossiablog on December 12, 2015 - 1:21 am

      Agreed 😉 I think that even if I did try my anger/resentment would eventually drive him away. If you don’t mind sharing what’s your opinion on why a 24 year-old would would jump into a relationship with a 50 something year-old man? G-uno

      • #3 by KcRambles on December 12, 2015 - 1:30 am

        I think…or she has daddy issues or is just looking for a sugar daddy to spoil and buy her stuff she can’t get on her own dime.
        And how many of those relationships with such an age gap last? She’ll get bored and find a new victim to buy her stuff.

        • #4 by idioglossiablog on December 12, 2015 - 1:32 am

          That’s exactly what Oceanwaters said. I’d rather have a job. 😉 Thanks for weighing in on this! G-uno

          • #5 by oceanswater on December 12, 2015 - 4:47 pm

            But these 20 somethings don’t think like that anymore. They are raised to get what they want and now… they don’t care how they get it. I follow a lot of sugar baby blogs and love reading their stuff. Most of them admit it’s just something to pass the time.

          • #6 by idioglossiablog on December 12, 2015 - 8:56 pm

            It’s funny that anyone would have no shame in that game. 😉 Then again the older person is doing their fair share of using in that scenario. LOL I am grossed out by both sides. G-uno

          • #7 by oceanswater on December 12, 2015 - 8:58 pm

            Well that’s because it’s one of your values being protected by a solid boundary.

          • #8 by idioglossiablog on December 12, 2015 - 10:44 pm

            Well said! G-uno

  2. #9 by Jay on December 13, 2015 - 7:26 pm

    I definitely think the spouse is more to blame.
    And I think some relationships can overcome infidelity – of course they can, some have!
    But some of those are forever broken, but stay together for practical or financial reasons.
    Other relationships may grow stronger if there is true repentence and true forgiveness – both are hard to come by and I admire your friend for being able to open her heart and keep her marriage alive.
    I know that I couldn’t bear it. But I also know that if the situation were reversed, and I was the one to cheat, that my husband would forgive me. It’s weird how we’re different that way – he loves me too much to ever let me go, and I love him too much to come in second place.
    The point is, there is not right or wrong answer. We’re all just trying to make things work and we need to listen to our hearts to find out what is most important.

  3. #10 by idioglossiablog on December 14, 2015 - 3:33 am

    Nicely said Jay! Thanks for weighing in on this. It’ s a great thing that we are all different, and I’m fascinated to hear everyone’s view on the subject. We humans are curious creatures for sure. ,)

  4. #11 by g2 on December 14, 2015 - 3:03 pm

    I think the problem too is she was betrayed twice. She was betrayed by her husband of so long, but she was also betrayed by the down and out kid that she took under her wing and helped to get her life on track. She doted on this woman like a daughter in some way, and she was betrayed by her too. I think that’s where the excess pain is really coming from. Had the woman been some faceless nobody who didn’t know her, it might be different. But this is someone she probably saw like a daughter and felt safe putting with her husband so he could help watch her “like a dad.”

    I read an interview Daniel Radcliffe was in… yeah the guy from Harry Potter, and a woman made mention how she just couldn’t get past the sweet young boy and reconcile it with this very grown up man in front of her as a sexual being. His retort was why?, no one had a problem doing just that to his co-star Emma Watson.

    I’ve seen it in others things as well, a young girl posts a picture of herself in a bikini, the male response asks her age before commenting. Is one of the major differences between a large portion of men and women, is that men have no age limit on what they will fuck? Please note I said “portion,” not all. Personally, I have an age limit both ways and most people anywhere over 10+ years just look like children to me.

    There’s also no fucking way I want to have to explain why The Jam is cool.

    • #12 by idioglossiablog on December 14, 2015 - 10:22 pm

      She was betrayed by them both. The very idea that hubby slipped that low on the age meter is completely messing with her mind. G-uno

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