Frank Told Me He Wanted To Hurt His Mom (G-uno)

I’m not sure what I’m dealing with here, but I know it’s huge. You should have seen the look she gave me when I told her that Frank said he wanted to hurt her. It was almost like she had heard this before. I’m starting to get that her strangeness may actually be mental exhaustion on her part. I can see that she is doing her best to use tough love to set boundaries with Frank’s relentless defiance. I can see that they have reached a point where this approach is only increasing his anger to nuclear levels.
This nine year-old boy is enraged on a constant basis. There are these rare moments when he is just a boy who is trying to reach out to me. I can see that I intrigue him. Then this kind of darkness seems to wash over him like a wave in the ocean, then another wave washes over him, and he sees that I have witnessed a side of himself he seems unable to control. This emabrasses him so he becomes enraged all over again. He is agitated in such an intense way, and his moods are erratic.
He’s so small, so young that seeing him experience whatever this is, is emotionally painful for me. Our last day together was the day after he had broken out his bedroom windows. He, and I were suppose to go thrift store shopping for some of the items on his list. His Mother told me (in front of Frank) that as part of his punishment we could not spend our day as planned. That I was not to buy him anything. He just sat there glaring at her.
So I took him to lunch, then to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks new movie. Afterwards we stopped by the store so he could window shop. I was trying to give him some incentive to behave a little better for mom. Then I saw that he had taken something from the store, and stuffed it into his pocket. I asked him what he had, and as he took it from his pocket I reached for the object in his hand. This just enraged him. He started cussing at me, he was furious that I had reached for his hand.
I looked at him sternly. I told him that I do not speak to you that way ,and that he was not allowed to speak to me that way. He looked me straight in the eyes, and asked me what I thought I was going to do about it? I told him that I would call his mother to pick him up, and that I would leave after she arrived. I explained that friendship is something I take very seriously, that I would never let anyone who was my friend treat me that way.
He stood there staring at me then finally he apologized. He immediately began to tell me why it was my fault that he behaved that way. I listened then I told him no, no one is responsible for anyone else’s behavior. I told him that he is in charge of himself, and that I am not interested in being his boss. Then he told me that sometimes he doesn’t like me because I am too nice. I told him that was okay, but he did have to treat me the same way way I treat him.
I have the feeling that his behavior is not always within his control. I think he knows this too…
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  1. #1 by Polysyllabic Profundities on December 28, 2015 - 6:31 pm

    Wow….the poor kid. He’s lucky to have you in his corner.

    • #2 by idioglossiablog on December 28, 2015 - 6:35 pm

      Thank you. I’m not really sure what I’m seeing here which is a huge disadvantage. I think I’m going to suggest some psychiatric help. I’m not sure how that will be received by Mom. I just don’t know what else to do. G-uno

  2. #3 by oceanswater on December 28, 2015 - 9:29 pm

    Mom better get him Psychiatric help before he kills them in his sleep… it would not be the first time something like this has happened…

    • #4 by idioglossiablog on December 28, 2015 - 11:11 pm

      I can’t shake the fact that he is nine. I will talk to her tomorrow about this. I’m not sure how she’s going to take the conversation. How would you approach this? G-uno

      • #5 by oceanswater on December 28, 2015 - 11:29 pm

        I would just tell her straight out that I think he needs to been seen by a psych specialist before he harms himself or someone else.

        • #6 by idioglossiablog on December 28, 2015 - 11:33 pm

          Okay thank you. I will let you know how it goes. G-uno

  3. #7 by Brian on December 29, 2015 - 3:30 pm

    100% with you on suggesting psychiatric help. The rage is one thing, blaming others for it/lack of self accountability is another.

    Does he ever display any concern for how his actions affect others, or is he “all me, all the time”? I can totally understand his mom just being at her wits end – can’t imagine the frustration she must feel.

    • #8 by idioglossiablog on December 29, 2015 - 5:33 pm

      Thanks Brian. Keep your fingers crossed for everyone. He’s pretty much “all me” I just want to not make the mistake of damaging him even more. I feel very sorry for Mom too. G-uno

  4. #9 by jasminehoneyadams on December 29, 2015 - 6:36 pm

    It just keeps unfolding doesn’t it? I wonder whether he knows that other kids don’t behave like this? I like the way you set boundaries – when I was teaching I used similar methods. Interesting that he thinks you’re “too nice” and doesn’t like this, I wonder what that’s all about.

    • #10 by idioglossiablog on December 30, 2015 - 3:27 am

      Yes it really does. I wonder about this too! I can’t describe him verbally as well as I’d like to, but something about the whole thing makes me so sad. Mostly his age. My own children were so carefree at that age. This little boy seems to be carrying the weight of the world on his tiny shoulders. I took his remarks about my being too nice like a paranoid statement. He doesn’t seem to trust anyone.His wording is always very adult like, almost unnervingly so. When he speaks to me, he is intense with his wording. As a mom I just want to hug him to pieces, but he was so upset by my reaching for his hand in the store that I’m hesitant to hug him. I felt like he was setting a boundary with me. Sometimes adults forget how often children’s boundary lines get crossed. Adults can be very disrespectful unintentionally. I try to show the children I work with equal respect for their space. Thanks for weighing in on this. G-uno

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