Archive for January, 2016

Details From The Big Date (G-uno)

The Chemistry was there from the moment she walked into the room, and their eyes locked on one another. Over thirty years have passed by, and the truth is that no matter how high you pull up your “big girl pants” some wounds are harder to heal than you might imagine. Her first date nervousness went from excitement to” what the fuck am I doing” before they even pulled out of the driveway. Jane told me that all of a sudden she could feel the heat in her face. She did everything she could to hold back her tears, but without her permission the streaming flow of tears began to pour down her cheeks.
He stopped the car, turned off the engine, and moved over next to her. She was beyond embarrassed, but still the tears flowed. He put his arm around her, and sat there with her until the last tear streamed down her cheek. Jane told me to try to picture her swollen eyes, make-up running down her face, and a nose full of snot. I could feel my heart sink as she continued to describe the scene in her car. I asked her what he was doing while all of this was happening? She began to smile, she told me he just sat there with his arm around her not saying a single word until she finally stopped sobbing. Then he jokingly said ” Wow happy to see me huh?”
Jane just laughed at him. Then they went back into her house. She poured him a drink, then went to the bathroom to clean her face. She came back out, and Tarzan was sitting on her couch looking through a photo album that had been lying on the coffee table. He motioned for her to come, and sit beside him. She began to profusely apologize to him when he shook his head to let her know there was no need to apologize. Then he said ” Can you explain to me what just happened there?” Jane told him that she thought she was ready to date again. She joked that after all Ex-hubby had been dating for almost two years now.
Jane told me that Tarzan just sat there listening to her as she went on endlessly telling him everything that had gone on since the moment her Ex had announced he was moving out. Tarzan smiled (according to Jane in the sexist way ever) then said “So the idea of rubbing me in his cheating cradle robbing face would be an excellent fuck you back gesture.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement of understanding. She nodded, quickly realizing that she was using him as a weapon rather than actually being interested in dating him. She started profusely apologizing again.
Jane told me he held his hand up in a stop, no need to apologize gesture again. Then told her ” I get it Jane. I thought about how satisfying it would be to see his face when he saw us together again. I liked it too.” Then he told her that as great as that would be that he was hoping to be more than her revenge guy. He told her that he couldn’t believe he was still pissed that his best friend moved in on his first love, and married her. Even if he had been an immature cheating bastard. Jane said once again he had delivered this to her while grinning in a way she found overwhelmingly sexy.
She told him that she wasn’t ready to jump back into a serious relationship. He laughed telling her that he got that too. She ended up pulling out leftovers from the “frig”. They sat at her kitchen table talking until one in the morning. Jane said it was like getting to know a stranger with all the comfort of knowing that deep down inside he wasn’t. Of course I asked her if there was at least a good night kiss. She said “No just a warm peck on the cheek.” She looked a little worried for a second, so being the good friend that I am I teased her a bit. I asked her aren’t you a little old to be playing hard to get? 😉



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I Met Tarzan Before The Big First Date (G-uno)

Keep in mind that Jane was completely faithful to her Ex-hubby for 30 plus years so it’s been a LONG time since she has been on a date. The fact that Tarzan was her first love & lover really did not do anything to alleviate her nervousness about their first date. In some ways I think it actually made it harder for her. She told me that he knew her 19 year-old naked self, I quickly reminded her that she only knew is 19-year old naked self. She quickly said “Yeah what if he disappoints me?” I laughingly told her to be gentle with him. It was very different to be there with her discussing first date jitters considering I had celebrated so many anniversaries with both her, and Ex-hubby.
She was nervous, but I could also see her excitement. It was really great to see her smiling again. Having your husband cheat on you with someone who is almost the same age as one of your daughters is a tough thing to swallow. I joked with her about what the girl had to be thinking when she saw ex-hubby naked for the first time. This made her feel better. I asked her if she had mentioned her date to any others in her family, she said no. Then the doorbell rang. She asked me to answer the door so she could make a grand entrance.
I opened the door very curious to see what Tarzan looked like. I stood there looking him over when I realized I hadn’t introduced myself. This obviously was not his first rodeo, he knew I was giving him the look over. He smiled asking me if he passed inspection. I smiled back, and told him that remained to be seen. He was tall, and very nice looking. Imagine a Harrison Ford type. Then she walked into the room. Without bias I can tell you that she looked beautiful. Their eyes met, and it was impossible not to feel the chemistry between them. My cue to leave the room.
I’m not sure either of them heard me say that I was heading home, but both of them glanced my way with a polite goodnight. I feel like a teenager because I can hardly wait to hear all the details of this first date. 😉





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First Date After The Divorce (G-uno)

Off of the strippper pole, out of a 30 year plus marriage, and onto your first date since the divorce papers were filed makes life a real game changer. I guess we had to expect that this day was coming, but what we didn’t expect was who the first date would be. My friend received the most beautiful flower arrangement with a mysterious note that read” You should have picked me.” The whole thing caught her by surprise. Truthfully she didn’t get right away who the flowers were from, then it hit her like a bolt of electricity.
I guess it’s time to stop calling my dear friend “The Stripper Pole friend.” So for the sake of privacy I will give her a blog alias. So from now on I will refer to her as “Jane.” Why Jane? Because like Jane Fonda she has managed to never let her figure go, not even after having her children. She is amazing that way. Now back to our mystery man. When ex-hubby, and Jane first started dating there was another guy in the picture. To keep things easy to remember we will call him “Tarzan.” I should also let you know how fitting that blog alias is by telling you he was beautiful to look at from the tip of his head all the down way to the tip of his toes. A much wilder type than hubby.
Tarzan, and Jane had quite an exciting past. Her parents at one point actually threatened boarding school if she continued to see him. This of course only added more heat to an already hot relationship. Tarzan was actually Jane’s first lover. Wait, it gets even better… Tarzan was also ex-hubby’s best friend! Ex- hubby had a front row seat to Tarzan & Jane’s wildy hot relationship. He was often the third wheel when two of them where going out, and the cover guy who showed up at her door pretending to be her date so she could sneak off with Tarzan behind her parent’s back.
Jane was head over heels in love with Tarzan, unfortunately so was every other young girl in school. Tarzan began seeing other girls behind Jane’s back. This actually worked out well for ex-hubby who had also fallen for Jane, but never acted on his feelings because he knew Jane loved Tarzan. He was also his best friend so this was against every bro-code that has ever existed. Sadly Jane’s best friend did not have the same high standard for the sister code. She was seeing Tarzan behind Jane’s back!
Jane caught Tarzan, and her best friend in a most embarrassing encounter in the back yard of a raging little keg party. Needless to say she ended her relationship with both. Ex-hubby steps up as the white knight in this situation, and stands by her through the entire mess. He ends up losing Tarzan as a best friend by telling him that he is in love with Jane. Ex-hubby is a great guy. He was never the eye candy that Tarzan was, but he was a good looking guy with a huge heart. One thing lead to another, and they ended up in an almost perfect 30 plus year marriage.
Well guess who heard about  Jane’s marriage ending?  I’m not convinced this is such a good idea, but I can tell you by the look on Jane’s face as she told me this story that she does. 😉

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Ellie May’s Death (G-uno)

I walked into her dimly lit room. Elvis Presley’s “Love Me Tender” was softly playing on the C.D. player on the night stand next to her bed. I walked over to her bed to say good morning  just as I have every morning for the past four months. As I approached her I realized that she was gone. I checked for a pulse (an automatic response), her tiny wrist was still warm to the touch.Overcome with emotion I knelt beside her, and wept. It’s funny how something can shock you even though you are expecting it to happen.
I called her oldest daughter. I told her that Mom was gone. She is the strongest of Ellie May’s children, and unlike the others she has the ability to hide her emotions. This time she was unable to hide them. She began to cry, and panic about what needed to be done. She blurted out a stream of questions without a single pause. Just like me, she was in shock even though she knew this moment would come. I told her not to worry I would handle all of the necessary calls. That the only thing she needed to do was call Dad, and her siblings. I tried to further reassure her that I would not leave Mom before they arrived.
After letting the facility staff, and Hospice know that Ellie May had passed I began to give her one last bed bath. In her life Ellie May was meticulous about her appearance. I knew how important it would be to her to look a certain way when her family arrived. I bathed her tiny body. Brushed her teeth, and fixed her hair. Her hair was her signature trademark, it needed to be right. I removed the hospital gown, and dressed her in her own gown. It was pink with tiny flowers on it, one of her favorites. I quickly straightened her room in a way that would let her family feel that everything was cared for in a loving way.
As crazy as it sounds, I spoke to Ellie May as I gently prepared her to see her her family. I thanked her for allowing me to be a part of her life story. I told her how much our time together had meant to me. Once I had finished with all the tiny details I stepped back to survey the room, then finally Ellie May. She was beautiful. Ellie May chose to leave this life in the same strong dignified, private way she had lived.  I walked  back over to her bedside. I leaned down, and kissed her little cheek. I told her the exact same thing I have told all the many others who have gone before. “See you on the other side.” 😉

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Confessions Of Hospice Nurses Part 2 (G-uno)

The weirdest thing about being in a room with someone who is dying is that feeling that they are more in that room than they have ever been in any room before. The second weirdest thing is realizing that there are only a few other people who completely get that concept. There is an unexplainable kind of energy that affects everyone in a distinctively different way. I always find myself wondering if the person who is dying uses the interactions of the other people who enter the room as a sort of distraction from the intense work of separating themselves from this life. Almost like live reality television.
Some people are like Nurse “D,” who has been a Hospice nurse for many years. She is fully aware of Ellie May Clampet’s existence in the room, but only speaks to her if she performing some nursing practice on her. I think this is her way of remaining objective during the process. Nurse “D” is one of the batshit crazy nurses. Highly religious hands held in the air praying type, who speaks in a loud thunderous voice. Her confession began by first asking me how long I had been married. She, and her husband have been married 5 years less than we have.
As I bathed Ellie May Clampet, she began telling us her story. She was unhappy in her marriage. Her husband is a cold man, who shows her no affection. She attributes his coldness to a distant relationship he shares with his mother. He hasn’t physically touched her in years. Everyday is the same for them. They wake up, go to work, come home, and he eats his dinner in front of the television. Every day she attempts to have a conversation with him which always ends in a heated argument with him throwing his dinner away, and walking out. She has been reaching out to the men in her church about this, and one of them has reached back. As she continues her story I see that she is no longer really speaking to us, but to herself outloud. She was trying to avoid taking responsibility for her affair by saying that the Godly thing to do was to stay in the marriage. I knew she was trying to convince herself, because the idea of ending things was more than she could face.
Nurse “M” unlike Nurse “D”was a much happier person. She had been happily married since high school, and had raised 6 children. She told me with 6 kids in the house she and her husband had become quite creative in their love making. On one occasion they told their children they were going to clean out the basement, knowing none of them would venture down the stairs for fear of being recruited to help out with the cleaning. Feeling quite adventurous she threw in a load of laundry, and then her husband threw her on top of the washing machine. In her words I quote “As he was cleaning my laundry our youngest wandered downstairs with my in-laws catching us in full cycle!” She looked up after hearing her MIL scream while covering the eyes of her son. Now Nurse “M” was laughing so hard she could barely tell me that this was one of the best things that had ever happened to them, because her in-laws never came over again uninvited.
Nurse “H” a sassy little number from N.J. was not the sitting type. He insisted on helping me with Ellie May’s bath & linen changing. Like myself he seem to be aware of how much Ellie May was in the room. His confession was directed to us both. He started out by telling us how he ended up being a Hospice nurse. His mother had colon cancer, but by the time it had been diagnosed it was too late. She had been placed under Hospice’s care while remaining in her home. Nurse “H” was in his early teens when this occurred. He played a large role in caring for his mother in her final days, and knew in his heart that he would someday work for Hospice. His way of honoring his mother. He spoke with Ellie May in the gentle way a son would speak to his own mother. He also had hopes of communicating with those who had already passed on from this life. Although he did not directly say it to us I understood he was holding on to the hope of one last conversation with his mom.
Ellie May’s family wander in, and out of her tiny room. Most are unable to directly interact with her. For those members just being in the room conjures up painful thoughts of how she may be feeling. Believing that she is consciously there makes her condition unbearable. Then there are a couple who believe like Nurse “H” & I do. We feel her presence, and continue to speak to her in the same way we would if she were completely conscious. Energy is a powerful thing so irregardless of how a person chooses to be present for someone, the important thing is that you are there. As for those of you who are worried about what is occurring when you can not be present I can honestly tell you that for the most part your loved one is being well entertained with some pretty interesting confessions. 😉


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My Showdown With Frank (G-uno)

I went to pick Frank up from school today. All of our previous encounters have been weighing heavily on my mind. His Mom told me that I he did not like it when I referred to him as my friend Frank. This statement really got under my skin. He threatens to do physical harm to her, and she plays it off like it’s no big deal. I refer to him as my friend Frank, and that’s a big deal? Really? I think in addition to that, and all of my tip toeing around with the two of them I had just reached my limit.
I pulled up in the carline greeting him with the usual smile filled “How was your day?” waiting for him to put his seatbelt on so we can get going. He immediately starts into one of his little tantrums yelling at me to get going. He is screaming at me that I don’t need to wait for him to fasten his seatbelt, that he’s not a damn baby. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I spun around in my seat. I told him that” I don’t like your tone of voice, as the adult in this car I am in charge of the driving…” He interrupts me screaming that he’s not going to do it!” I interrupt him saying that I was not finished speaking, not to interrupt me again.
He was angry, shocked by reaction, maybe even a little stunned. He decided to fasten his seatbelt, and close his mouth. When I finished I told him that it was his turn to speak. He replied yelling, I immediately  tell him to correct his tone. Then he told me he wasn’t going to speak to me anymore. I thanked him telling him I would enjoy the silence. Then he threatened me. I pulled the car over spun around again, and told him  “Don’t you ever threaten me again, and knock off the weird boy routine. Your not violent your just saying that crap to try to upset people. I am not taking this or any other disrespect from you any more!
I went further telling him that he needed to tell his mother that he no longer wanted me to be his assistant, so she could find him a replacement that he did actually like. He didn’t say another thing. When we arrived at his home he jumped out of the car throwing his coat, and backpack across the ground. I marched over to him, and told him to pick it up now! He did it, but then he took off running. So I Told him that’s it, I’m calling your Mom I’m leaving. He came back pleading for me not to go. I stood there for a minute studying his face. I know he does not fear his mother, so it hit me that he actually did not want me to go.
I told him that we were going inside to clean up his awful room, and when that was done properly whatever time was left he could choose what he would like to do. Of course he tested me trying to avoid cleaning his room properly. I did not budge an inch. He finally relented when he saw that I would not. Then much to my surprise he began to carefully clean up his mess. I asked him if he would like some help. He nodded yes, so I helped him finish. When we finally finished I told him he did a good job, so he could choose what he would like to do until his Mom arrived.
After his mother returned I said goodbye, and started walking towards the door. Frank ran up to me hugging me from the side. It was my turn to be shocked. I looked down at him, winked,smiled, and told him I’ll see you Monday. Maybe he is a real boy afterall. 😉


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Confessions From Hospice Nurses Part 1 (G-uno)

In my opinion the majority of nurses can be divided into two basic categories the amazing Florence Nightingales, or the batshit crazy ones. Of course those two categories branch off into a thousand other categories, but those are most definitely the first two divisional starting points. “Ellie May Clampet” is dying. This is the part of my job that I absolutely hate.
She is an amazing woman who has lived a first rate life. I call her “Ellie May Clampet” for two reasons. The first is to protect her privacy, and the second is because in her younger photos she looks just like the beautiful blonde bombshell character in the old television series “The Beverly Hillbillies.” We have reached the stage where Hospice nursing is required around the clock.
Before every nurse out there wants to hang me from the nearest tree, let me just say I have the deepest respect for “MOST” of the nurses out there, but even you all cannot deny that the batshit crazy ones do exist. They are just a part of the whole medical community experience. I know most of you work your backsides off to care for your patients. You have a thankless job where your patients, their family members, doctors, D.O.N.s, CNAs, and facility managers who don’t have a clue as to what you do bitch, moan, and complain to you endlessly. I am truly sorry for this because you are truly extraordinary human beings.
Then there are you the “batshit crazy ones,” (stop shaking your heads you know who you are) the ones who pocket your patients antianxiety meds & pain killers. You hover over your nursing carts pretending to be busy, shaking your heads in the yes motion to every plea that comes your way while you simultaneously manage to never meet even one single request. There’s also the always stressed messed nurse who barks at anyone who even ventures to approach her cart. It keeps people from approaching you at all so you can hide until your wretched shift is over.
Hospice Nurses are usually nurses who have been floor nurses at hospitals, or other facilities. After years of dealing with the system they decide to revisit their initial desire to fully have time to care for a patient on a one to one personal basis. I believe that is the inner dream of all nurses. The system quickly robs your ability to fulfill this noble desire,and may even be somewhat be responsible for flipping a Florence Nightingale type into they batshit crazy type. Once again deep respect for the truly dedicated nurses who deal with this most difficult end of life nursing. That being said you tend to draw in your own special brand of batshit crazy nurses.
Ellie May’s family (a beautiful bunch who love their mother deeply) have asked me to continue being their mom’s assistant as she makes her journey to the other side. I have agreed to this so now when I am with her I am also sharing this time with her Hospice nurses. I prefer to physically care for Ellie May in the way that I have since we began our time together. While caring for her some of her nurses have decided to confide in me, sharing their personal stories. I think the fact that we are sharing this small room early in the morning with no one else there except Ellie May, makes it the perfect setting to tell two people who you will not see again some pretty personal confessions. 😉



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