Archive for February, 2016

Fired By Furious Frank (G-uno)

 When Frank’s mother called me her exact words were “Frank doesn’t feel comfortable with your particular style, so we will no longer be needing your services.” Then she began to stammer a bit so I quickly let her know that I completely understood. I told her that I wish that she had been more up front with me regarding his behaviors, and that I hoped for both of their sakes she would seek counseling.
Suddenly her stammering stopped, and her voice was filled with rage. Normally I would be taken aback by this, but at this point I was relieved to be dealing with an actual human rather than an emotionless robot. She told me that Frank was seeing a doctor, and that I had been judgemental about his behavior. That by viewing him as a manipulative spoiled child I had caused further damage to his condition.
This is the point where she was introduced to my rage. I told her that since day one you have been secretive, as well as, manipulative towards me. I asked you from the beginning as I do all the parents I work with if Frank had any special conditions that I should be aware of in order to ensure proper care. You replied by telling me he was allergic to Gluten,not another word. I consider this purposely deceitful, and misleading.
She denied that she had not open with me regarding his psychological /behavioral issues. She was angry that I had spoken to Frank so harshly. I told her that your son threatened my life, and physically tried to hit me with a branch, and his lunchbox. I never put my hands on a child so a harsh tone, and stern wording was my only means of deterring your child’s deplorable behavior. I asked her if she could hear herself? I reminded her that she physically had to restrain him herself in front of me. I restated that that was not an option I had. She then said that perhaps if I were better at my job this would not have happened.
I replied that if you were a better mother you would have already had this young man , and yourself in counseling rather than putting locks on your bedroom doors, and making outrageous excuses for what you clearly know is unhealthy behavior. I asked her why didn’t she want to know why he was so angry? I asked her if maybe he was being abused in a way that she was physically unable to see? If his medications were causing issues? She screamed that his only abuse was the verbal abuse he had received from me.
I told her that she was enabling some potentially dangerous behavior, and that if you can not control him at nine what will you do when he’s much bigger, and stronger? She told me that like she had stated before I watch to many horror movies, that I was the one in need of counseling.
Then she told me that how she chooses to raise her son was no longer any of my business. I told her that this was probably the only truthful statement to have come out of her mouth since the day we met. Then she hung up on me. How many more days until February is over? 😉

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Furious Frank, And His Death Threat (G-uno)

Patience when it comes to the strangeness of human behavior is truly my forte’, but even I have my limit. Apparently the limit is a death threat. Frank threatened to kill me today. I went to pick him up from school today, he got into my car with his usual look of discontent. I gave him my usual greeting, a smile followed by a how was your day? Fully expecting him to rudely ignore my greeting. He buckled his seatbelt, then he began to scream.
“You didn’t get my paper you freaking, fucking idiot, I hate you!” I turn around completely thrown by how immediately he just went off like a bomb with absolutely no warning. My first reaction was to try to figure out what piece of paper he was shrieking about but then he looked me straight in the eye, and yelled I’m going to fucking kill you!” I completely snapped.
I yelled back “That’s it I’m done with this. I’m not taking any more of your crap! Who do you think you are speaking to me like that? I don’t know what paper your carrying on about because my freaking crystal ball isn’t working, but I can tell you this, you better never threaten me again, and I am done putting up with all your little games. If your were my child you’d be across my lap, and your pants would be melting to your backside from the speed of my hand spanking your spoiled backside!
Of course he started to scream back, and I told him not to say another word that when we got home he was going to put his stuff away, no screaming, no breaking things, and no tantrums. I told him that I would call his Mom, and let her know she could find someone else. When we got to the house I knew he was going to make a run for it, and the very thought of this had my blood boiling. I turned to him before he could climb out of the car, and told him to go straight to the door, put your things away. He told me to stay the fuck away from him, that he hated me.
I knew he was going to run so I sprung from the car, and headed him towards the back away from the front road, and into the back yard. He was screaming at me from the top of his lungs. He reached down picked up a four foot piece of a tree limb, and hurled it at me. I was so angry I picked it up, and snapped it over my leg throwing it back to the ground. He hurled his lunch box filled with heavy ice packs inside right at my face! I knocked it into the dirt ran towards Frank. I got eye to eye with him, and told him in a tone of voice that scared me as much as it did him. ” For the the last time get inside the house I will not ask you again!” This time he went.
His sister heard all of the commotion, she came running to see what was going on with us. He started his shrieking. slamming and kicking things routine all over again. I got close to his face telling him I was calling the police if he did not stop and head out to the dinning room. His sister called their Mom who then called me. Frank begins to yell into the phone that I’m killing him. I tell her that he has threatened to kill me, and that he was going to pick something of his choice, but that he will not be allowed to go outside of my sight until she arrived.
It took almost 45 minutes to get home when she was only 20 minutes away. Frank was sitting on his mini trampoline curled up in his blanket with his book staring at me as I straightened up the room. He did not say a word until she walked in the door. Then he immediately went into his usual mode. I turned right towards him, and told him to sit back down. He starts screaming, and cussing at me. I tell him I don’t care if your mother is here, or not if you don’t sit down I will call the police. He stops then immediately starts crying to his mother that he wants to kill himself. He is playing with her like a complete master of manipulation. He stops between sentences to check my face for a reaction, then immediately proceeds to continue to work on her emotions. Looking up at me almost smirking as he continues to say he doesn’t want to live any more.
She’s holding him on her lap in the way that you would hold a toddler, unable to see the expression on his face. Then it hits me. This is the only time he shows her affection, something she desperately wants from him. She is so desperate to have this connection with Frank that she doesn’t even get that it’s not a genuine show of affection. It’s simply a show.



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Did You Fall In Love With A Different Person? (G-uno)

Everyone whose ever been head over heels in love knows that this feeling can fade. Love is tricky business, dating is hard, and long term relationships are almost impossible. So my question is, do you think love fades because you fell in love with a different person? Think about it for a moment, go back to the beginning of each love affair you were ever involved in, and try to pinpoint the moment where things started to go wrong.
Are you in a relationship now that you know is on it’s way to being over? Do you think most of us know when the beginning of the end is just around the corner? I think that sometimes you do, and sometimes you don’t. I’m at the age (almost like when you were in your twenties) where some relationships are lasting, and ones that seem to have been unshakable are falling apart. How can somebody you’ve built a life with wake up one day, and realize that they no longer want to be in the relationship?
If it takes two to tango, then does it take two to fail? My feeling is that maybe in most cases there is no blame, maybe we simply grow to be different people. For example if you start out partying together, then one person stops (or even both people) they are essentially no longer the same people personality wise. Maybe having children individually changes each person in ways that makes them no longer compatible. Maybe all the unexpected moments that life hands you changes you into someone that your partner can no longer connect with in the same way.
Personally the fact that none of us are immune to having this happen to us completely saddens me to my very core. As always I’d love to hear what you think about the whole concept… 😉

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Why Janes Keeping The Lid On Her Cookie Jar (G-uno)

Keep in mind Jane’s ex-hubby not only had an affair with a much younger woman, but to avoid having sex with her before he told her about the affair he made some pretty damaging remarks. He said things that left her feeling like their sex life had become boring. Hence the whole stripper pole fiasco. Then having to use the walker while she was healing from her outer injury only added insult to her inner injuries. Even though it seems like ages ago since all hell broke loose, it’s only been a little over three months.
Jane is no slouch in the looks department. Not to mention that out of our little group she’s the only one who still wheres the same size she wore when she married the ex-hubby. The problem here is not an outer body issue, it’s an inner thinking one. You couple that with the fact that the last time she had sex with Tarzan she was 19 years old. To quote Jane “Things have changed a lot since the last time he saw me naked.”
I reminded her that Tarzan was probably having the same thoughts about himself. Then Jane looks up smiling at me like the cat that swallowed the canary, and says “Not so much.” I felt my eyebrows lift as I told her to fill in the blanks I was obviously not aware of regarding Tarzan. Smiling even bigger now Jane informs me that Tarzan is pretty much a nudist. She went further to say that he rarely wears clothing except when he’s out in public.
Of course my next question was so how much has changed since he was 19? Smiling even bigger now she tells me very little. I teased her about her new juicy little secret life, but I could still see her wheels spinning inside her pretty little head. I felt her apprehension, her self doubt, and I found myself feeling pretty angry towards the Ex…

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The Bridal Shower Smackdown

What’s a wedding without drama?  I think there’s some sort of subliminal signal that goes into overdrive within family members, and with other significant people who will be a part of someone’s wedding in some way. Ours started with the female first cousin who also became engaged after our daughter had announced her engagement, and her wedding date. Said cousin decided to put her wedding six weeks in front of ours. I won’t lie to you, we were initially quite pissed by the complete lack of etiquette. It was meant to be a passive aggressive act of disrespect, but rather than become the same small kind of human being we pulled up our “big girl pants,”and moved forward.
Next came the problem of not having a budget that could afford to invite the entire family. My husband’s side alone came to almost 300 guests. The budget was for 150 guests. So rather than play favorites, (and to allow the groom to have some guests) the only fair thing to do was to make the cut off point after the first cousins. There are so many, that this also meant no plus ones unless you have a spouse. Each invitation was carefully given with RSVP cards that had only the names of those who fell into this category. WE thought this would be the most delicate way to handle things. Wrong immediately on the wedding website one cousin asks if it’s a mistake, and should she write her children’s name on the RSVP.
Our daughter felt so badly, but decided to use the public site to say how very much they regretted not being able to afford to invite the entire family. She said that rather than play favorites they just made the cut off point after the first cousins, and no plus ones only spouses. Our daughter has tried to be as polite as possible concerning the wedding. The wedding website was only given to those who would be invited. She does not post anything about the wedding on any other social media. She has also opted not to have a shower, or any other wedding event to avoid hurting anyone else’s feelings.
Her made of honor hates this for her, and put together a small shower with her brides maids, and her future MIL & myself. Well this all seemed drama free. Until her future SIL who is one of her bridesmaids decided to come out of the closet, and ask if she could bring her girlfriend to the shower.SIL being gay is completely not an issue for anyone, except her own mother. To be fair to the future MIL (who was raised in an extremely religious home) had only had a few days to absorb the news. Her daughter had always had relationships with men so there was never any indication that she was gay.
MIL is an intense person who is still worried that her son, and my daughter are going to hell for living in sin. You see the problem now? MIL tells my daughter that her daughter can not act like a couple at the wedding because it will kill her mother (the grandmother) going further to say if they tell the grandmother she won’t attend the wedding. My daughter tells MIL that she will not ask SIL to behave in any way at her wedding. We have raised our daughter to understand that love is love, so she doesn’t want her SIL to be anything other than who she is. MIL loves her daughter so she tries to hold in her true feelings at the bridal shower.
This started out awkwardly, but we were doing our best to welcome SIL’s girlfriend who was meeting everyone for the first time. Then after the shower MIL completely loses it, and explodes verbally vomiting all over her daughter, and her girlfriend. She demands that they tell the grandmother, that they show zero PDA at the wedding because my daughter said she didn’t want that at her wedding! SIL, and her girlfriend show up at our daughter’s (her brother’s) apartment in tears because she was under the impression that they had lied about being comfortable about her coming out of the closet.
Our daughter is livid because MIL lied. It took an hour to make SIL feel better, and convince the girlfriend that she should attend the wedding. Finally my future son in-law said “Look you are not coming to our wedding pretending that you are friends. If mom, and grandma have a problem they can pretend that they don’t.” Drama? They have been swimming in it! No matter how hard they try, it seems to be impossible to escape. However, what has not escaped my attention is the fact that every time a situation arises these two work it out beautifully together. 😉


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Jane’s Cookie Jar (G-uno)

I think for years people have given their genitalia nicknames. I think that most guys think that it’s something only guys do, but the ladies also participate in this ritual. The reasons behind nicknaming  our genitalia are slightly different. My guys tell me that most guys do it to be funny. In my experience the ladies do it to avoid saying the word vagina. My parents were pretty straight forward about calling our genitalia by their anatomically correct names. They said vagina/penis as nonchalantly as if they were calling our names. This is probably why I nicknamed mine “The Magical Vagina” TM.
I know most people today do use the correct anatomical names, but back in the day most mother’s whispered cute little names like “Your friend”, “privates”, “your flower”, “pee-pee”, “wee-wee”, anyway you get the picture. Grown ups uttered any talk that included those regions in mostly hushed tones. Okay I will admit it the idea of taking a poll to find out your nicknames for your genitals is very much amusing me. 🙂 Maybe even a separate poll to find out the nicknames your parents came up with since my parents were surprisingly progressive in that way, but I’m getting away from my original post here.
Yesterday at our ladies luncheon we all decided to grill Jane about all the time she, and Tarzan have been spending together. So naturally we asked her if they have had sex yet. It was very funny because Jane who prior to her impending divorce would have been the first one to bring sex talk up at one of our lunches, suddenly went beet red. Then our other friend looks up at her, and shouts out to her “Girl are you telling us you haven’t taken the lid off your cookie jar yet?”
AS Jane struggled to spit out her answer the rest of us started laughing. Jane sat up like she was the “Queen of England” and tells us no, that they have decided to wait. At this point are loud friend is determined to figure out why they have decided to wait. I however was on a completely different agenda. I redirected to our questioning friend asking her (between convulsive type laughing) “You call your vagina the cookie jar?” Now the three other ladies watching Jane, the questioner, and myself are now roaring with laughter. Our waitress was even laughing at this point.
The Questioner friend annoyed that I am now questioning her about the origins of the “Cookie Jar” nickname instead of helping her find out why Jane hasn’t opened her jar for Tarzan looks up at me an says”Yes I call it the “cookie Jar, my mama called it the cookie jar, and her mama called it  the cookie jar!” I was dying at this point, tears pouring out of my face. Even Jane had forgotten her embarrassment, and was snorting between laughs. The questioner friend now completely annoyed with me stands up, and says “Well what the hell do you call yours?”
Our entire table was roaring with laughter, our waitress and other diners near by were laughing with us! Oh I did find out why Jane is keeping the lid on her “Cookie Jar,” but I have to get back to work so I will tell you about that the next time. For the record It wouldn’t hurt my feelings to find out some of your nick names. 😉

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February Sucks (G-uno)

I stand by my accusation that February is a God forsaken month! Aside from the good people who have the misfortune of being born in February there isn’t one single thing that makes this month redeemable. Yes, I know some of you are going to wholeheartedly disagree with me, but I can tell you right now if you make Valentines Day part of your defense I’m going to throw up.
I have had an issue with this month for as long as I can remember. I am willing to go so far as to say that if you remove your “Doubting Thomas” hats, and think very carefully it will not take much to bring you over to my side on this accusation. Throw out all the Valentine’s hearts, and candy you want, but he very idea of an overweight baby floating around shooting people with arrows of love is a testimony to the weirdness that  surrounds this God awful month.
To prove to you that I am not completely biased by my hatred of February I will say that there is one more good thing about it other than the birthdays of some very good people. The other good thing is that it is the shortest of the twelve months. Of course that also reinforces the fact that it manages to be more horrid than the other eleven in a shorter amount of time.
Eight days in, and I have a list of of some pretty messed up events.
  1. Frank mysteriously broke his arm at school, and refuses to tell us how it happened, let me rephrase that he, and his mother are refusing to share this information with me. I had finally discovered after months of agony that he likes sports. he’s actually very athletically inclined. The Gods of January bestowed an actual gift on me. Then four days later along comes February, an arm that has been broken in two different places. Hurling both Frank, and Mom into a completely different realm of weirdness.
  2. A very good friend of mine brought her 13 year old daughter to stay with me this Friday in order to attend my daughter’s surprise bridal shower. The two of us are very close. I can count on one hand with fingers left over the number of disagreements we’ve had over the last 35 years, but this night we had a fight over her daughter that blew up into a complete bitch fest. She snapped, and I snapped back. This carried over to the next day right into my daughter’shower. We fought some more, she ended up driving home completely pissed.
  3. Did I mention my daughter’s MIL was at the bridal shower having her own knock down drag out fight with her only daughter who decided to come out of the closet just a little over a week ago? Did I also mention that MIL was annoyed at us because we introduced her daughter’s girlfriend as her daughter’s girlfriend? An extremely great young woman who was meeting all of us for the very first time at the shower.
  4. My daughter’s future Father-in-law’s girlfriend of 12 years dumps him like a trash can, claiming that she needs some space completely devastating him. We all seem to know except for this poor guy that “I need some space” is code for I’m screwing someone else. He has a relationship with her daughter, and granddaughter. Our daughter made the decision not to invite his ex or the daughter to her wedding under these circumstances, which resulted in the daughter having a huge emotional meltdown otherwise known as an adult size temper tantrum. Demanding that she be invited to the wedding. This angers my daughter who tells her she’s sorry for hurting her feelings, but her decision to not invite them stands.
  5. My Mom’s tooth broke, and she needs a crown. She has been trying to recover from some wicked flu that has now spread to both my brother, and sister. I have a new client who is a most difficult so I am trying to figure out all of her issues.
I am just exhausted. The very idea that there are still twenty-one days left in this deplorable month leaves me filled with dread, and enough anxiety to level even the strongest of my survival instincts. For the love of all that’s holy I just want to kick that  groundhog out of it’s hole,  take it over, and not poke my head up until March arrives. Hell I’d settle for shooting the that weird ass cupid with one of his own arrows. 😉

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