Archive for June, 2016
As Khaleesi walked through the french doors that led out to the back yard It suddenly struck me that I had probably seen her walk through that door a thousand times. This time as she walked through the door holding proudly onto her father’s arm she was stunning, there was a hushed silence almost as though time had briefly stopped. Khaleesi is not the usual type of woman so of course she did not choose the usual type of wedding gown. Instead she wore the cream colored lace dress that Jane wore after her, and Ex-hubby’s own wedding as they left their own ceremony.
Khaleesi’s favorite picture of her parent’s wedding was taken after their reception as they made their way to the limo to leave for their own honeymoon. Jane’s dress was very elegant. A thinly strapped satin cream colored form fitting top that gently flowed down into a slightly less form fitting laced bottom that stopped mid calf. Khaleesi even wore her hair in the same way Jane had worn her’s in the picture. A kind of a soft curly bobbed cut with a thin cream colored satin hairband that had tiny pink roses weaved into it. She carried a small bouquet of light & dark colored pink roses.
There were no bridesmaids, or groomsmen. Just a beautiful backyard garden filled with family, and close friends. Round tables draped in cream colored satin, and simple bud vases filled with pink roses. The groom’s father performed the wedding ceremony. Tarzan played the piano softly in the background. I think it was his way of being there without overshadowing Ex-hubby, and Jane’s moment. They had all the same familiar moments that most weddings have, just in much smaller more intimate setting. I will admit to you that the father-daughter dance was my favorite moment.
After everything had been said, and done the newlyweds left in their white limo to head to the airport to catch their plane for Italy. Both The bride’s & the groom’s parent’s had given them a two week all expense paid honeymoon as their wedding gift. Before climbing into the limo Khaleesi came back up to her parents smiling from ear to ear. She thanked them, and the groom’s parents for everything they had done to make their wedding so beautiful. Then she handed each of the parents a tiny gift box to open. Each parent was given a silver key chain with the inscription that said “Life is sweeter when your somebody’s grandparent oxoxo 6-25-16.”
Khaleesi’s way of letting everyone know this February will be filled with more heart than usual. We were all so surprised, and completely overjoyed. After all the guests had left, Jane, Tarzan, Ex-hubby, Mr. G-uno, and I sat in the back yard together reliving all of the wonderful moments of the day. Then all of a sudden Ex-hubby’s face became expressionless. He told us that Khaleesi was not the only one to surprise him with the news of a new arrival in February. His 24 year-old girlfriend had also surprised him this morning by placing a baby’s rattle that said “Daddy” on it!
We all sat there with our jaws dropped, and mouths wide open. Not because this “Sugarbaby” had surprised any of us, but because everyone sitting at that table knew that Ex-hubby had gotten a vasectomy right after Khaleesi was born! 😉
In this life some people are like shooting stars, they light the sky more brightly than the others, but for a much shorter time. While they shine they burn with such beauty, and intensity that they can never be forgotten. I woke up today the same way I do every June 24th wanting to be with my Mom just one more time. Today would have been her 73rd birthday, but in this life she only made it to her 25th birthday.
I still remember how she looked when she smiled, and the sound of her laugh. My own daughter is just a little older than my mother was when she passed. As a child she seemed older, and now I realize just how very young she was. I think about how brave she was facing her immortality while leaving her four year-old child behind. I think about her incredible strength as she laid in her bed reading me fairy tales because her frail body was too weak to stand.
Every day as the light from within her slowly dimmed she remained my mother. The truth is if she had lived even until today our time together would not have been enough for me. When I miss my mother I don’t have to look any further than my own daughter to see her again. Her namesake smiles her beautiful smile, laughs her wonderful laugh. They walk the same way, and they love all the same things.
I know that she lives on in me, and in her grandchildren. I know that I was incredibly blessed to have been her daughter. I have carried her with me to every important milestone in my life in some small way. Yet every year when her birthday comes I still want my mother.
Khaleesi is feeling the love in every direction these days since both Jane, and Ex-hubby seem to have made a truce for their daughter’s wedding. Surprisingly Ex-hubby’s 24 year-old girlfriend has continued to lay low in this mad rush we’ve all been in to put this wedding together. Tarzan has definitely missed his calling in life, this man should have been a wedding planner. Next to my own daughter I’ve never seen anyone put together an event with such detail, and organization.
Saturday’s the big day, and minus a few small details we are ready for this wedding to take place. This has been a chaotic month for me in many ways. So as much as I hate to say it my exercising, and blogging have been sorely neglected. Almost every significant event in my life seems to land in the month of June for me so emotionally I find myself feeling a bit chaotic. My range is from filled with extreme joy to grief, and sadness.This month is filled with the birthdays of some of my favorite people on the planet, and equally filled with the losses of my other favorite people on the planet.
My focus is on remaining in the happier zone, but when given a moment on my own my thoughts drift towards missing those who have left. Pretty fitting for a birth month strongly known for it’s duality. No worries though I have my big girl pants pulled up, and I have been able to remain mindfully in the moment of the happier events. Khaleesi is like a daughter to me, and seeing her so happy has been so good for all of us. The beautiful thing about this life is that there are these wonderful milestones that seem to guide us all in the right direction in spite of all the other more difficult ones.
Damn, forgot to publish this when I wrote it…. my bad.
I’m guessing this is the point where my body is going “What the holy fuck are you doing?!?! I just got this body to a good point to be self-sufficient for at least 7.47 fucking catastrophes. You will fucking eat now!”
In other words, I spent a lot of time being hungry. Hungry is new for me during this little journey through insanity. It started off me eating below 500 and having to remember to eat a bit more, to then forgiving fluxes between 500-800 since it was still the goal range. To now, where I’ve touched 1k once or twice and could have still gone for a steak… or three.
Ironically as I try to lean into protein to stabilize the hunger pang more, my carbs have been occasionally dropping in half. This looks really weird when your calories are higher than you want, but your carbs are almost nonexistent. It was easier to do than I ever believed possible. Really, I would have fought you like hell and said there was no way to have 18 carbs a day, but I did just that.
It’s also been a really interesting exploration in applying new ideas to old concepts. I found that half a sliced avocado with salsa and diced ham is friggin epic and kicks a hunger pangs ass.
I love grilled cheese and tomato soup. I found a soup that worked well carbwise, a huge gourmet chunk of aged sharp bacon cheddar and found a recipe for eggplant “dude food” style. I know only one way I can make eggplant… fried. I love it at Japanese restaurants but have no clue how to do it, and the idea of cooking it to mush makes me gag. This was perfect.
I’ve been finally feeling a wee bit lighter, but I won’t be taking any kind of measurements until the weekend and only then in inches in my midsection. I didn’t want to get hung up on numbers, but I know, aside from diabetes, abdominal fat will kill me.
My legs still ache, though not as much, and I’m still retaining a ton of fluid on my legs. I wonder sometimes how many pounds of liquid a diabetic body holds and why in hell it just seems to be a balloon about to pop. Gran always looked like their skin in places was stretched to its max, but it all felt like fluid, like you could pop a tap into it and it would just pour out.
On the other hand, I caught myself sitting with my foot tucked up under my leg more than once, a position I’ve been unable to sit in for at least 4 years.
He marched into the living room where I sat playing with “The Baby” beaming with this smile that could have stopped the world. He had one arm behind his little back, and a shopping bag from Trader Joe’s in the other. He walks directly up to me saying with great pride “Ms G-uno I have something for you!”
I can see by his face this is going to be big, so “I say for me? Why for me?” The smile that you thought couldn’t possibly be any larger was now even larger. Making it impossible for his mother, and I to not beam ourselves. He proudly announces “Because Ms. G-uno it’s your birthday!
Then he presents me with a bouquet of unopened Iris’s that were behind his back, and proudly sets the gift bag in front of me. “I picked all of your presents out myself.” His mother interjects with a sheepish look on her face, and a slightly apologetic tone. “Little Man’s special power is Autism, so he views the world in a very different sort of way then the rest of us. I am always enthralled by his thought process so I am examining his choice in flowers because you can only see a slight tip of color coming out of the top of the long graceful stems.
Now he can no longer contain himself so he say’s “Don’t you want to open your card, and your bag?” So my attention drifts from my curious bouquet, and I see a canister of coffee. He knows that I love coffee, so I praise his awesome choice, as he pulls the card out of the bag. I open my card, and on the front there is a colorful Mexican pinata.
Little Man can hardly contain himself as he tells me “Mom wanted me to give you roses, and a boring girl card with flowers on it. So I told her no, you needed blue flowers because blue is your favorite color (blue is his favorite color), and that you love Mexican pinatas (He loves pinatas) right Ms. G-uno!?”
I pull him over to me for a huge hug, and say “Oh yes, you know me so well. Ms. G-uno loves blue flowers, and Mexican Pinatas!” He glances over at his mother with a see I told you so look. Mom just laughs. She is an amazing mother. She let “Little Man” choose my gifts even though she felt that I would have liked other things more. She shows him that his point of view is important. He has thrived because he knows that he is valued.
So I woke up this morning, and made my way to the kitchen for my coffee. On my way I looked over at the vase that held my curious bouquet. Every bud had fully opened. Each Iris was extremely beautiful, exquisitely formed, exploding in blues, purples with a slight bit of yellow. I took a picture of them with my phone, and messaged it to “Little Man’s” mother.
I thought about his gifts to me, his beautiful smiling face, and the sincere joy he felt in presenting me with them. I couldn’t help but notice that the delicate flowers weren’t the only thing that had exquisitely bloomed. 😉
A beautiful soul shared this thought with me today in a comment. While thinking about the tragedy in Orlando Miles M. saw a person carrying a sign that said–
“Have no fear you are loved.”
Miles also reminded me that “all we can do is pour as much love, meaning, and color into our loved ones lives as we can.”
May everyone out there always feel the love. Knowing that there are so many beautiful souls around us gives me hope.
(Mile’s comment can be seen on my post W.W.S.D. What would Sam Do?)