ode to my p.i.t.a. kid… (g2)

OK, so today wasn’t the epicness it usually is. I love my kid, my Spawn, I thoroughly do.

They are a 60/40 split of the other contributor’s and my genetic makeup (not in my favor) in all the visual ways and they got all the good bits. 99.999999% of all the shit that comes out of my kid’s mouth is riddled with me.

I know this.

Spawn hit their teen years at age two. I’m hoping any day now is the day they start evolving out of it because since that time, I’m basically a complete moron who will never measure up to the vast amount of knowledge they have about… everything.

I saw a sign recently that said “I’m not young enough to be an expert on everything.”

It’s true, as we get older, we learn what we thought is mostly wrong and it seems to become less as we get older. So wisdom is essentially the acceptance you don’t know shit so you’re more receptive to taking in new information.

Kids deny this, but I bet any of you with kids are nodding your heads sagely and know exactly what I’m talking about.

Spawn and I have all the same problems at any other family really. I get accused of being a broken record, because I’ve gotten three inches from their face to tell them to do the same fucking thing they haven’t done the first seven times I said it.

We’re on over two weeks of this shit and with what I’m already contending with at work, my fuse is short. Most of it I’ve let go because I was too tired to even acknowledge it. Then I tried the question:

“Why is it I’ve asked you to do something, just one thing, four days in a row now and its not touched?”

Response was a series of mumbles and grumbles probably only understood by those 20 and under. I think children should be put under the same study program they have for the pops and whistles whales and dolphins make. Maybe there is some vast wisdom we’re not hearing as parents. Or maybe dolphins and whales are just going “god, my mom is such a dictator and my dad is such a dork, you’ll never believe what they made me to before I got any fish at the fin hop….(because in my world, dolphins listen to 50’s music and watch Flipper)”

Last night was the moment I flipped my shit when I’d said “put it in the microwave for 20 seconds” one time too many and Spawn continued bitching about whatever it was like I hadn’t said anything and continued complaining about the thing I was telling them how to fix and that’s when it exploded to:


And once a parent has hit the point they engage language only preserved for the high seas, it becomes a general flood of every indiscretion AT LEAST since the last time you bitched.

Kids, the reason we sound like a broken record is because you continue to pull the same shit. Find something new to fuck up and stop doing the old one and the tune will change. Thank you.

Everything from not getting one chore done in the last three weeks to the bread being left open was all addressed in very loud detail.

Of course, the child response to this… the classic eyeroll.

Then the “you just hate me,” another classic.

“I just can’t do anything right!” (To which I respond, “leave off the last word and change ‘can’t’ for ‘won’t’ and you are right”)

It’s annoying, and I wish I knew the magic bullet that would finally break through that barrier between kid and parent, but essentially it boils down to:

  • Don’t ever think the mere blink of life that you have been on this world will ever compare the length of mine in wisdom. The things I have experienced and have surpassed give me a perspective and a knowledge base that you, if I get it right, will never have to know.
  • I’m still learning and I fuck up, I know that. Throwing mine in my face without acknowledging my progresses makes yours fair game. Don’t fight dirty.
  • You may have an unusual parent, but you in no way have a stupid one.
  • Kids are meant to rebel, that’s a given, but do it effectively. If my open-mindedness isn’t evolving with the times, that is a good time to open a dialogue that “rebels” with my thought processes.
  • Otherwise, until you are contributing in a productive way instead of just a smart mouth, you can shut the fuck up or write a congressman, join a protest, or sign a petition instead.
  • Roll your eyes again and I will carve them out with a grapefruit spoon.
  • What you’re not getting is I carry the weight of our small world on my shoulders. The bills, the chores, the errands, all the little things that keep us going. I don’t ask for help to be mean, I ask because its just too heavy for me to carry all the time and you’re capable of carrying some of it too.
  • I love you more than you will ever know.

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  1. #1 by Robert Matthew Goldstein on March 16, 2017 - 8:07 am

    This is great: ‘You may have an unusual parent, but you in no way have a stupid one.’

  2. #2 by Brian on March 16, 2017 - 4:32 pm

    Take your standard bell curve and flip it upside down. That curve represents what kids think of their parents intelligence as THEY age. In that 2 – 5 year range, we start getting dumb. By the time they are in their mid-teens, it’s a wonder we can even breathe without assistance. Then, as they hit their early 20’s, we start becoming intelligent again until that time when THEY have kids and they realize we were right all along. It’s a looooonnng effin wait, but it’ll happen.

    • #3 by g2 on March 16, 2017 - 7:08 pm

      you know, I can even empathize…. I still remember and can spin my eyes just like I was 16 all over again. I remember the utter disgust growing up, the sheer annoyance of being asked to do stuff just because it looked to them like I was doing nothing productive, but important to me.

      I even remember the absolute dedication I felt to doing fuck all too.

      And you’re right, I remember as I got older finally realizing that my mom and grand weren’t completely friggin idiots, and how gradual that realization was, and only when it came to marital, divorce, tax, mortgage questions, etc. I was irritated they didn’t just tell me all this stuff, I had to find out when I was in the middle of screwing it all up royally or coming close to it.

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