sometimes you have to burrow (g2)

I have barely spoken to a soul in the last couple years. I find it troublesome when I get the feeling from a new person that they wish to spark a friendship. Work is an ideal excuse. I would come home and be so burnt out from it all that having a conversation with my kid was a chore. Having them sit in the same room and just do whatever would have been more my ideal, soothing even. I found their presence calming but the talking… it hurt. Sharing… feeling… caring… encouraging. Life got… draining.

My best friend is one of the single most important people to me and I realize it has been almost ten years since I’ve seen their face. I miss them so much and I am constantly hoping and wishing there was something I could do to improve their life, their mood, but I have no clue what is currently going on with their life just as they know little about mine. I just know, when we don’t talk, it is usually because we are dealing with demons, internal or external and the only way we know how to support one another is to be there when its over.

Are they still one of the most important? That has not changed in thirty years and it will not change in the next 100. They are still the one I want to be there for Spawn if I’m not able to. One of the few I really trust. I want them to have all the things they have ever wanted or needed in the world and then some and not enough good could ever go their way to repay the epic person they are. I feel the same about G-uno.

However, because of that I totally get disconnection too. It took me a month after losing my job to even consider logging on here and posting. I had to let the emotion settle, to rest, to recoup, to allow time to orchestrate my thoughts to be more than “fuck everything.”

Those like G-uno especially are those souls everyone migrates to in order to put themselves at peace. But who does the greatest giver in the world run to when they have nothing left to give? I suspect it is absolutely essential to take that time and refill the fount of positivity when its been bled dry by life and those in it.

I would never consider myself a person who keeps the calm, but I am the one who people come to bitch to, either because I’m going to give them a slap of reality, justify their feelings, or give them perspective. I’m not therapeutic, I’m more like getting your head dunked in ice water when you’re drunk and need to get your shit together. I’m the one who will steal your phone so you don’t drunk dial an ex, but I might have a long chat with your parent or a sibling before you get your stuff back.

But I too, go through long periods of absence in which I will fail to contact those important to me. Sadly, they don’t stop being important, I just fail to maintain that contact. I finally responded to an email two years later to the hippy just last week. I had nothing I wanted to say. She married her abuser, has a wonderful kid and I’m sure I’m going to hear how happy their life is. It is going to sound empty and I’m not going to have a lot supportive to say. I still believe he’s a piece of shit and she deserves a lot better.

I don’t think its vital to maintain common courtesy if some people do not get the hint. I find the energy expended in being polite to the shitty unworthy of my time or effort. I had a manager once tell me “I know you don’t like me”… it caught me off guard, but I felt it unessential to clarify to him that I didn’t regard him enough to like or dislike him and would forget him the moment he was gone. He was just that unimportant to me.

It confuses me how the absence of false friendliness and pleasantries is construed as dislike. I simply communicated to him what needed to be said and moved on with my day.

There are those that, despite your best efforts, don’t get the hint that you don’t want them around. You have to be more harsh… “um, in the future please call before you come by” to even “ok, listen very carefully… lose my number.” Then again, I am the caustic ass who, when ending a brief fling gave a bulleted list when they asked what was wrong with them as viable partner.

There are people I still cherish, but I feel no need to call them or meet with them. I silently wish them well and go on. I suppose it would be nice to have it known that you still matter to people you have not spoken with after such a long time, especially considering how many of us feel like islands forgotten by time.

I suppose that is the vice of being withdrawn, with recouping, with suffering and learning to heal. We all recharge in different ways and at different lengths, and those who cannot understand that and be ok, were probably a reason for it draining in the first place.

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