Archive for category Dating After The Divorce
In the spirit of truthful beginnings Jane decided to confess that she had slept with her Ex-hubby while she, and Tarzan were broken up. As you might imagine this was a complete disaster! As if Tarzan wasn’t already swimming in the land of insecurities regarding Jane he now found himself insanely jealous. He was also pretty pissed. Sex with the Ex rarely turns out to be a good decision, and sharing that information with someone you hope to build a relationship with is an even worse decision,
Don’t get me wrong I am a huge fan of telling the truth, but I’m an even bigger fan of leaving Exes in the Ex zone. Why did Jane tell him about her disastrous slip you ask? Well the even better question here is why she decided to tell him this after the first time she, and Tarzan slept together since their break-up. Jane said that after making love to Tarzan she was filled with guilt. She said that she just decided to put it all out there rather than taking the chance of Ex-hubby being the one to let the cat of the bag in the long run.
I absolutely got the logic in that concept, it was the timing that threw me off the deep end. I probably would have opted for confessing before the reunion sex. 😉
Let’s start off by saying the sparks that were flying on February 13th were not exactly the same on Valentine’s day. In the waiting room of the hospital one might have gotten the impression that Tarzan, and Jane were heading straight for the sheets. There was so much tension in the room as he held her I was sure there would be less talk, and more sex. This however was not the case.
Tarzan did invite Jane over to his house for dinner. Jane who was still elated over Khaleesi, and the baby being okay along with Tarzan’s appearance in the waiting room was under the impression that everything could go back to the way it had been before. So she buys a sexy new red dress, gets waxed from head to toe, and heads over to Tarzan’s for a steamy Valentine’s Day reunion.
Tarzan on the other hand was still harboring a raging grudge over Jane breaking up with him for having kept his daughter a secret from her. Jane told me it was pretty awkward showing up with the all is forgiven attitude only to find out that she was the one who had not been forgiven. Tarzan agreed that he understood how Jane may have felt betrayed, but he didn’t understand her just walking away from what they shared without any effort towards trying to work things out.
He also informed Jane that they were way passed the point of only her feelings being the only ones to be considered. That he did not want to have a relationship with someone who considered their point of view to be the only one that mattered. Jane told me she was trying to listen with an open mind, but she was starting to get really pissed at the same time. She reminded him that a lie by omission is still a lie. His rebuttal was that he really did not view the young woman as his daughter, followed by if you give a child up for adoption do you still get to walk around saying you have a child?
Jane’s rebuttal was that you continued to hide the fact that you had a daughter even though you had agreed to meet her after several unmentioned conversations together. Tarzan told Jane that he was still processing the whole thing, and he wasn’t ready to share that with her at that point. He also told her that he resented the fact that she still thought he was under some obligation to share every part of his life as though they were a married couple. Then he pointed out they were not married, and that was also something that she had decided.
Jane became livid at this point, and said ” I can’t believe you’re still butt hurt over the whole proposal thing I had just gotten out of a 30 year plus marriage!” Well the whole “butt-hurt” comment didn’t go over well, and he started yelling back “Well sorry for not getting permission from you to make a decision on my own…I forgot it was the Jane show!”
Jane said that was when it hit her that they were having the same argument all over again just like a married couple. She said as she stood there watching him pacing back & forth all worked up she realized she is in love with him. Then she walked over to him, and cupped his face with both hands, and uttered the magic words “I’m sorry. We are never going to get one another to change how we both see this can we please just agree to disagree?” Tarzan was stunned by her reaction. His reply was “Well okay then.”So this is how it all began again…. 😉
Even though I cannot deny that the whole secrecy thing struck me as a huge red flag, another part of me felt like people make mistakes. We all have a tendency to hide the things from our past that we may feel a sense of shame over. I’m not a human doormat, but I’m big on figuring out why someone would hide something before deciding not to give them a second chance. Jane says that’s a dangerous way to live.
She may be right. I think I feel this way because I cherish the idea that we can all be forgiven for making mistakes. My line in the sand is when we have explored what, and why something happened I make it clear that if the violation occurs again that it’s no longer a mistake, but a conscious choice. That is the point where I walk away. I’m not sure everyone who begins a relationship discusses their boundaries. For a lot of people it’s a journey that slowly reveals boundaries they may not have even known they had.
Jane feels like she clearly stated her boundary limits right from the start, and that Tarzan poorly chose to take a chance by crossing that line. I cannot argue that logic. I think I’m just really sad for them both. The girls, and I discussed the fact that he did not commit an infidelity. Jane’s response was that even though he had not cheated he broke an equally powerful trust agreement between them. 😉
I’m a gal who follows her gut instinct. I am not one hundred percent accurate, but I have a pretty good track record. So the big question is “Is Tarzan seeing another woman?” The answer is yes. Was Jane’s gut instinct 100% correct? Not exactly, but we will give her a score of 90%. Tarzan has been secretive. He is guilty of lies by omission. Worst of all he knew right from the start that Jane had huge trust issues after everything Ex-hubby had put her through, not to mention that he had cheated on Jane himself when they dated before Ex-hubby.
He is seeing a 28 year-old tall slender blonde, but she is not his lover. She is his daughter. A daughter he knew existed. A daughter he only saw once in person after her birth, and three times over the last two months. Jane is livid. He is standing his ground by saying that he did not want to be a father, and that his daughter’s mother made the choice to have her on her own. Essentially his argument is that he is the equivalent to a sperm donor.
Jane’s argument is that she asked him if he had children when they first started seeing each other again. His argument is that he is not her father because he chose not to be a father right from the start. Jane’s rebuttal to that is that if that is in fact true then why are you sneaking around seeing her now? His reply was that they are not married, and that he is entitled to his privacy.
Jane’s rebuttal-” Fuck you!” So where do you all stand on this slippery slope?