Archive for category Luncheon Topics With Jane & The Other Girls

Jane’s Vagina (G-uno)

Just so you know you all aren’t the only ones who have to put up with my vaginal whining. Poor Jane has had more than a few earfuls along with the other friends in our little circle. It would seem though that I am the only one willing to openly gripe, and probe about the deteriorating condition of my uterus. I know for a fact that I am not the only one old enough to face these issues since I am third (She types proudly 😉 ) to the youngest in our little bunch.
Jane has me beat in the birthday department by a few years so after my repeated hounding she finally snapped saying she really didn’t see the point of dwelling on this subject. Now at this particular point I completely tucked away my despair due to my sudden amusement of her reaction. Yes I’m a horrible friend who is actually amused by her friend’s discomfort over subject matters that make them squirm. Jane in particular is still sensitive to her stripper pole injury that ended in her having to use a walker for a little while.
The injury has long since healed, but she is still touchy about my public ribbing in her doctor’s office. Okay a lot of ribbing even outside of the office too.See my post “Love Hurts- When You Fall Off Your Stripper Pole.” I just wish I were able to completely convey the hilariousness of Jane when she is embarrassed by something. As I type this out loud it occurs to me that if she were as awful a friend as I am she would have realized that I had actually given her some pretty good ammunition to retaliate. Lucky for me she was so uncomfortable with my “Vagina monologue” that the idea has not even occurred to her.
Finally Jane confesses that my vagina isn’t the only one with drought issues. Her face scrunched up, and her left eye twitching nervously. Seeing the eye twitch immediately lowers my maturity number to the single digit level. So I lean forward holding my imaginary interview microphone, and ask her how she’s bringing rain to her desert. She physically scoots farther away from me on the couch, then snaps “That this is the exact reason why she does not want to have this discussion with me!” So of course I scoot closer to her with my imaginary microphone in hand, and say ” Jane what kind of friend refuses to share her dried up vagina stories with a friend inquiring minds want to know?” Her eye stopped twitching while her middle finger shot up, then she made a “Target Lady at Christmas dash for her bar.
 I run over next to her promising to never call her vagina a desert again as tears stream down my cheeks trying to control my laughter. Jane slaps my arm, then asks me what exactly did I want to know? My first question was why she never brought this subject up to me? Okay dumb question I know, but there is seriously some great secrecy out there with women who are experiencing some betrayal from their own vaginas. Then she looks me straight in the eye, and asks me “How much humor was I finding with in my own desert?” Yep, it’s all fun & games until it’s your dried up vagina. 😉

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Ex-Hubby Married His Sugar Baby! (G-uno)

I am in in complete shock even as I type these words to you. Jane called me last night joking that she was surprised that none of us had been invited to the blessed occasion. Personally I think his new bride’s choice not to be a bride is almost as shocking as the marriage itself. My life has just been spinning wildly out of control for the last six weeks. So much so that I spent the afternoon in the doctor’s office yesterday. I have never been able to wear my stress well, and my body is taking the blunt of my brains inability to work things through.
Hearing that Ex-hubby has actually married his young lover after fully understanding she was sleeping with his friend/partner of 30 years is completely out of my realm of understanding. To me it’s like walking outside during an electrical storm with a lightening rod in hand hoping not to get struck. The girls are meeting for lunch today, but I am up to my ears in death, and antibiotics so I will have to sit this one out. I’m not contagious, but I am working very closely with “Bette Davis,”and my sister of choice’s struggles to survive. I find myself overwhelmed with all the emotions that surround my existence these days.
I am not balancing things very well at the moment. Please forgive my lack of attention to your posts, and mine. I miss both more than my words could ever express. I am living in doctor’s offices, and hospitals here lately. My brain knows that an empty well cannot offer water to others, but the universe is spinning so fast that inside I know that my time with both departing souls is slipping quickly by, and I still have so much to do for them both.
Jane has promised me a detailed blow by blow account of the newlyweds this evening so I promise to make a moment to share it all with you. 😉

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Ex-hubby Has Truly Lost His Mind (G-uno)

Just when you think life can’t be anymore off balanced than it already is someone in your circle reaffirms that it absolutely can. Yesterday I was at lunch with our little “Ya Ya group,”and Jane tells us all that Ex-hubby has let his 24 year old cheating ex-girlfriend move back in with him! Just as a reminder to those of you who may have not been keeping up with all of the drama in our little corner of the world Ex-hubby cheated on his 30 year plus marriage to Jane with his 24 year old secretary. The 24 year old secretary was also sleeping with ex-hubby’s business partner of 30 years. Ex-hubby who never told his young lover he had had a vasectomy was told he was going to be a father again.
Ex-hubby then breaks up with his young lover, and kicks her out of their place. She moves in with Ex-hubby’s buisness partner(a.k.a. baby daddy), but now Jane tells us that according to her son that Ex-hubby has let her move back in with him. I know my head is spinning too. Apparently the young woman had suffered a miscarriage due to all the stress she was under, and realized that she made a huge mistake because she knows now that Ex-hubby is her one true soulmate.
I am deeply sorry for her miscarriage, but I’m not buying this whole soulmate business. I asked Mr. G-uno if he knew that Ex-hubby had moved her back in with him, and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. It appears that I’m not the only one who’s been off balance here lately.

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From Hawaii To Humiliation Ex-Hubby’s Back (G-uno)

Just when you think you’ve been served a full plate at the “Karma Cafe” you find out that your also entitled to some just dessert. Folks we are not talking about pineapple upside down cake although upside down is a pretty accurate adjective for the state of Ex-hubby’s affairs. Sorry awful pun intended here. Ex-hubby is back from his vacation for one, and I think he would love nothing more than to run away again, but this time with a no return ticket.
His 24 year old pregnant mistress decided that since the “oops you had a vasectomy that came undone story” wasn’t flying that it was time to move on to move forward with her life by revealing who her (pardon the slang) “Baby Daddy ” is, and no it’s not their hunky pool guy. It’s way worse than being left for someone younger. It’s so much more humiliating than that, even though I think Jane was secretly hoping it would be someone younger. Don’t feel too sorry for Jane though because karma has amply decided to reward her for all the horrible things she had to endure when Ex- hubby left her for a woman who is two years younger than their daughter “Khaleesi.”
Are you holding on tight? It’s Ex-hubby’s business partner, and friend of 25 years! Please do not let the irony of the fact that their 25 year partnership is exactly one year older than the 24 year-old office secretary they are sharing escape your attention. Jane tried to muster up some sympathy as she delivered this news to me, but even over the phone I could picture the look of satisfaction I could not physically see. What was this 24 year old woman thinking? Even worse what were these two 50 plus year-old men thinking?
I love Jane, but I have to admit I am feeling sorry for Ex-hubby too. I know he brought all of this mess onto himself, and I have to keep reminding myself that he had no sympathy for Jane when he was moving full speed ahead with his new life. To make matters worse I have to truthfully confess to you that I can’t wait for lunch today. 😉

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Ex-Hubby’s Karma Cake Is Fully Baked (G-uno)

Some of the karma cakes we bake for ourselves fall neatly into that rare category of having a cake you don’t particularly want to eat. Cheating on your wife, and breaking up your home to start a life with a woman who is two years younger than your youngest daughter produces the kind of karma cake nobody’s emotional digestive system wants to digest. Unfortunately karma is a force to be reckoned with, and Ex-hubby is having some wicked indigestion.
According to Jane, Ex-hubby never went back to their little love nest after their daughter’s wedding. He checked into the nearest Hilton refusing to have any contact with his infamous sugar baby for three days. When he finally returned to their little love nest he told her to pack her bags, and never come back. She of course won an award winning trophy for her almost believable performance of “How could you think I would cheat on you!?” To which Ex-hubby replies “Because I had a vasectomy after Khaleesi was born!”
You have to give this young lady a nod because she didn’t miss a beat, even after hearing this shocking news she quickly replied “Well sometimes these procedures come undone!” Ex-hubby admitted to Mr. G-uno for a brief moment he let that thought cross his mind before started yanking her suitcase out of the closet. She refused to leave on the grounds that she needed adequate time to sort this all out, and that she was concerned for her baby’s health because of all the stress he was causing her.
Well Ex-hubby being Ex-hubby packed the suitcase for himself, and is currently enjoying a solo vacation in Hawaii that the two of them had been planning on taking after Khaleesi’s wedding. Ironically Ex-hubby checked with his divorce lawyer on the matter, and his pregnant girlfriend can not immediately be evicted from their little love nest since it has been her legal residence since November. He will have to go through the proper channels to kick her out.
I have to tell you all that the entire irony of the situation did not escape Jane’s notice. As we all sat there having lunch together Jane pointed out that Ex-hubby didn’t need a lawyer to tell him he couldn’t kick the sugar baby out. All he had to do was think back to when they were splitting up, and when he smugly told her by law that she couldn’t kick him & his girlfriend out of their vacation house which is currently their little love nest.
As we were all finishing our lunch Jane sat there with a noticeably smug look on her face, and when the waitress asked us if anyone wanted dessert she smiled at our waitress asking “If they happened to have any pineapple upsidedown cake?” 😉



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What Couples Who Have Been In Long-Term Relationships Don’t Want You To Know (G-uno)

I had a much needed lunch today with Jane, and the girls. As most of you know g2, and I have chosen not to reveal our blog to our friends,and family in hopes of being able to post in the most truthful way possible. The idea was to host a blog where people could vent the things they could never say in their daily lives without some censoring, or awkward backlash. So today at lunch I was thinking that each woman at this table has at one time or another shared some deeply personal life details, and as raw as our secrets get I am sure they have all been censored in some way.
We all (humans) have our deepest secrets that no matter how much we trust someone, we don’t want others to know. Hell as I sat there I was thinking about our blog. In addition to being with my friends I had every intention of testing my theory of how much raw detail each of my girls would come up with if I asked them to name things that couples who have been in long-term relationships didn’t want others who have not been in one to know.
Ironically I also wondered if the details (although completely anonymous) that I share in my posts would be something they would be angry to know that I have shared? Would they be angry to know that I have this whole blog going on that they don’t know about either. Then I thought the same thoughts about my family. Then I realized they were all laughing at me as Jane snapped her fingers next to my head while saying “Earth to G-uno are you still with us?”
Doing my best not to be a complete liar I gave them the whole rundown on my censoring secrecy theory (minus the I’m gathering information to share in my next post details), and then I asked them each to tell me one completely uncensored thing they thought people who had, or are in long-term relationships didn’t want someone who hadn’t been in one to know because they felt they would not truly be able to grasp the concept. So for your reading pleasure here is the list my girls came up with:
  1. There will be times, even period of times where you will hate your person.
  2. There will be sexual droughts, and you will be okay with the break.
  3. You, or your spouse may cheat, and you will agree to never tell anyone outside of each other.
  4. You will share horribly mean spirited observations about other people in your lives, and sometimes bond over it.
  5. You will openly hate one or more of their family members.
  6. You will have sex in your friend’s home during some holiday or get together with out telling them.
  7. Your person will hate one of your closest friends, and you will hide that from your friend.
There was a distinct discomfort after coming up with this list. I think it was because we could identify with all of the secrets we had come up with on our list. The really interesting thing was that we all knew that this secrecy exists, but even in our tight little circle we plead the 5th on certain topics on our list. ( Cough#!* 3,6,& 7) The one thing that everyone agreed with, was that I wasn’t allowed to pick anymore subject matters for our luncheons for a very long time! 😉



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