Archive for category Personal Confessions
I’m kind of reeling from the fact its not still September 2016 actually. I’m not sure how in hell time has managed to zoom past me before I’ve been able to process it. I guess it gets like this for me when I feel everything is just… too much.
Work is definitely a fact. My distaste for it has only increased for which I will cover over time.
Life: stale, stagnant. It’s hard to find anything worthy for which to write about even though I know there are a hundred little moments I have to choose from and have often thought, “Damn, that would be wonderful to write about, I need to do that as soon as I get to a keyboard.”
Then I decide I’m too tired to put it all into thought and put it off… and then put it off longer… is there anyone who has the skill level of procrastination I do?
Ironically, I’m not in a wave of depression. Usually I am when I’ve gotten to this level of apathy. No, this is usually the point where I’m dissatisfied with everything and I do something completely spontaneous…. like pack a van and move three thousand miles back to a family I don’t get along with, for example, because for some reason becoming a parent was making me stupid and nostalgic, I guess. Or leave my ex after five years of a terrible marriage, with only a rusty car and a hundred bucks and completely start over.
You know, the feeling of the need to set fire to the phoenix because the fucking bird isn’t taking care of things itself?
Unfortunately, now that I’m much much older, I can better recall just how much pain all of those spontaneous decisions caused.
I’d rather Spawn not know those pains. the months of no work and no money, the job hunt, the getting rid of everything, the reaccumulation to make things livable again.
It makes me realize I have to become something I’ve never been good at being. A planner.
I like being the “let’s go to the beach” at 6am type of person. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had any desire for that, and I suppose that is what I’m hoping to rekindle by being excessive. With everything being new, I have more motivation to want to see it. Being in the crack of Satan’s ass of the South just doesn’t move me to want to experience the outdoors much.
Of course, there is logical reasons for my daydreamed defection as well. Spawn is coming to an age where they are finally eligible for a pretty prestigious art program over the summer and eventually, a full-time school. I want this for them very much because Spawn wants it very much for themselves.
Although the applications haven’t been open for submission yet, and we haven’t been accepted or anything, it would be a gross injustice for them not to take my kid with the skill level they have. Many moons ago, I was accepted for a summer program there, until they found out I was too old (last year of high school) and was disqualified. My kid far excels me already, and they’ve just barely aged up enough to apply.
The school is over two hours away. And residential. More than being a kid attached to a parent, I’m probably more a parent attached to my kid. I can handle the residential part, but the distance troubles me, especially with a 10+ year old car.
I’m not attached to where we live. In fact, I hate it. Washington state or Oregon is more my jam, and that too will be put off for Spawn to seek out their dreams.
I regret none of it, I want them more than I have ever wanted anything for myself.
I went to lunch yesterday with just Jane. It was the first time in our decades long relationship that I actually felt odd. So I decided to tell her up front that my strangeness has nothing to do with her, and that I’m not really sure where it’s coming from myself. I didn’t want her to feel like it was something between us.
I told Jane that I didn’t know how to approach all of this without making her feel like I was sitting in judgement of her.She told me that she knew perfectly well what my stance would be on the infidelity side of this issue so we could just skip that part of the conversation. We’ve been friends long enough for me to know this, but somehow hearing her say the words made me feel better.
She went further to say that she knew me well enough to know that I would think it was a stupid, and self-destructive decision. Even I felt the sting of her wording, and I winced at the harshness of my own thoughts. That’s the problem with having friends like me who won’t lie to you, we are so concerned with being truthful with you that we forget how harsh the sound of those words can be.
I smiled then asked her if she didn’t need my judgement, or a harsh tongue lashing I couldn’t possibly imagine what I could do to make her feel any worse. Then we both busted out laughing, and just like that all the awkwardness disappeared. I actually felt like my former self for a while. That’s the kind of beauty that comes from listening to the opinions of others without being defensive.
It’s funny because that was the whole idea behind having this blog. A chance to vent without hiding the truth. I read very carefully the things you say, and it’s pretty enlightening to look at the world through the eyes of those who have had different experiences. You all help me look at things in a way that helps me to be a better person. I am more grateful for this gift than my words can express, so for now let me just say thank you.
I have to head off to work now but I promise to tell you the rest of what happened with Jane, and Ex-hubby when I get home.
Her hands trembled as her eyes nervously roamed around the room. I felt her apprehension the moment I entered the room. She was not herself. She was full of anxiety over her desire to hide herself, and her desperation to expose herself. Her need to know brought her out of the shadows of her long hidden existence.
It’s something that occurs when ones own mortality is faced with the realization that time is dwindling. When one reaches the point where anger still lingers inside them. Their anger is no longer about their limited mortality, it is about the realization that the power to reach for their own desires in this life where always within their own capabilities.
It comes from realizing that you held the keys to the kingdom in your very own hand, but your mind hid them from your eyes. She stared right through me with her “Bette Davis Eyes,” I was frozen by her gaze. “I have never had an orgasm.” I sat down beside her, and in my desperation to comfort her the regret that was overwhelming her I said “I’m pretty sure a lot of women from your generation may not have.”
She searched my face for any signs of bullshit. When she felt satisfied that I was not patronizing her she asked me what it was like? In my mind I wasn’t sure if I could describe what an orgasm felt like to her. It struck me that it would be like describing color to a person who had always been blind. My moment of pause caused her to become embarrassed by her question so in her true “Bette Davis” like way she snapped harshly at me. “Just never mind!”
I smiled at her, and explained that it would be like describing sex to someone who had never had sex. I asked her to give me a moment, then I told her that for me it is the point where desire meets intensity. A moment where both my mind, and my body reach a point of intense urgency. A point where my body no longer waits for my permission to respond, and I am completely taken over by tremors of pulsating euphoric release that are completely beyond my control.
I can see the wheels turning in her head. Then smiling she looks up at me, and says ” Well way to dangle the perfectly grilled steak in front of the woman with no teeth!” 😉
He was electrical. Both sexes were equally drawn to him for both reasons they understood, and on a deeper level feared. When he entered the room he owned it, in fact that was never even a notion he questioned. He seem to instinctively know the desires of everyone who surrounded him. He knew they needed a reason to let their freak flags fly so he easily transformed into the man who lived life on the edge. He answered to no one, flowing deeply inside anyone who exhibited even the tiniest desire to let him in.
She gazed at him watching them one by one fly into the center of his flame. They were drawn to him in the same way a moth is drawn to light. They were so mesmerized by his possibility that they would ignore the burn that came with his flame.Being around him made them all feel golden. That was his undeniable charm. His intoxicating lure let them explore the parts of themselves that they feared. and desperately wanted to indulge. He took them to the brink of utter delight. He penetrated every pore of their desire until the moment they could see the man behind the electricity. and when that moment came he left them still craving more.
Her eyes were the only pair he could not escape. She was an innocent with a full grasp of his illusion. She neither craved,.nor desired his intoxicating escape. She desired more than his golden illusion. She knew who he was. She knew the side of him that he could not bear for anyone to know. He wanted her to close her eyes, but she was undeniably awake.
I’m a gal who follows her gut instinct. I am not one hundred percent accurate, but I have a pretty good track record. So the big question is “Is Tarzan seeing another woman?” The answer is yes. Was Jane’s gut instinct 100% correct? Not exactly, but we will give her a score of 90%. Tarzan has been secretive. He is guilty of lies by omission. Worst of all he knew right from the start that Jane had huge trust issues after everything Ex-hubby had put her through, not to mention that he had cheated on Jane himself when they dated before Ex-hubby.
He is seeing a 28 year-old tall slender blonde, but she is not his lover. She is his daughter. A daughter he knew existed. A daughter he only saw once in person after her birth, and three times over the last two months. Jane is livid. He is standing his ground by saying that he did not want to be a father, and that his daughter’s mother made the choice to have her on her own. Essentially his argument is that he is the equivalent to a sperm donor.
Jane’s argument is that she asked him if he had children when they first started seeing each other again. His argument is that he is not her father because he chose not to be a father right from the start. Jane’s rebuttal to that is that if that is in fact true then why are you sneaking around seeing her now? His reply was that they are not married, and that he is entitled to his privacy.
Jane’s rebuttal-” Fuck you!” So where do you all stand on this slippery slope?
Anyone who’s been in a long term- relationship can tell you that nothing’s perfect, and if they do admit that to you they are probably in a really good one. For some love is not enough to glue two people together for a lifetime. Then for others a lifetime would not be long enough. In spite of all the trials & tribulations that come with sticking to a commitment you once made when your heart was overflowing with love, and stars danced in your eyes. I like the quote that says a good marriage is just two people who have decided to love each other no matter what. I know that’s not exactly the wording, but you get the point.
Thirty-three years ago Mr G-uno, and I said I do in his grandmother’s little church in front of 200 guests. Only one family member was actually mine, but the truth is that to this very day all I remember is the way he looked at me as we said our I do’s. We were late getting to the church because we decided to wake up early, and go to the beach before the actual ceremony. We laughed, and played in the sand until we finally realized we only had an hour to get ready.
So with one quick shower together, no hair stylist, or makeup I marched down the aisle to begin a life I could never have anticipated. There have been moments when I could actually have floated above the ground with happiness. There have been moments when I could have gotten in my car, and drove away never looking back. It has never been perfection, unless you can appreciate the grandness of two people holding on to each other just to be able to wake up next to each other for one more morning. For me that is as close to perfection as a marriage can be.
Knowing that no matter how good, or how bad things may be you’ve built a life that would never mean as much to you if it had not been shared with the other. 😉
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly without complexities, or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”