Posts Tagged “Big Girl Pants”
It’s safe to come out now! I have managed to shake all of the sand out of my “Big Girl Pants.” When g2 and I decided to start our blog Idioglossia our intent was to create a place where people could anonymously, and truthfully vent their issues without all the constraints of political correctness. I am pleased to say it really works! For those of you who missed yesterday’s post (be glad it wasn’t pretty) I was completely filled with a large dose of I can’t get over myself anger. I will not lie to you, and say that I’m okay with all of the events that lead up to my enraged rant, but I can honestly say that throwing it all out there in my post definitely helped!
I was so beyond angry, then something really great happened. Thank you momoseita, Blahpolar, and g2 for taking the time to respond to my little rant. It was so great to purge the whole angry mess, but even more helpful to read your perspectives on the whole situation. Between the three of you I managed to calm down, cry a few tears of remorse, and finally burst out into laughter! Leaving me in a much better state of mind over something I can now see was much more about hurt than anger.
I will need more time to deal with my feelings towards the hijacking of the wedding issue, but I can at least see the possibility of being able to deal with all of this from a place of humor. This makes me feel so much better. So as the wise song once said “We Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends.” 😉
I have the kind of relationship with the Universe that is most assuredly guided by signs! I will be the first to admit that I can be a little dense particularly when I am preoccupied with a little self adjustment, most recently pulling up my “Big Girl Pants,” a task I find to be almost as daunting as trying on Spanx for the first time. For those of you who have never experienced the trying on of “said Spanx” it’s an exercise that requires stuffing your rather fluffy, but not yet F.U.P.A. status self into an elastic garment that is so tight you risk putting out an eye should” said garment” snap during your struggle to fit inside it! If you don’t die of cardiac complications involved with the struggle, you can actually see a remarkable difference as the tortuous garment does hide a multitude of body flaws. Unfortunately I don’t posses enough vanity/attention span to commit to the possibility of looking better than I actually do.
In the case that your attention span happens to be like mine I should redirect my subject back to the original purpose of this post, which was to discuss the concept that the universe sends signs out to some of us as a way of keeping us on track as we make our way through this journey we call life. Signs come to us in a variety of ways. Sometimes another person will say something that ends up being so profoundly related to a situation you may be experiencing that you immediately recognize the message was sent for your benefit. For example In the middle of a tyrant over my dying loved one I felt as though had encountered a masterful web of emotional manipulation. Then another Blogger posted a brilliant suggestion saying that when you encounter an emotional manipulator you should immediately disengage. The post was not written for me specifically, but it had remarkably provided me with some much-needed insight.
Another example also came from another blogger who expressed empathy for my anger (the word I had used to describe my feelings), and added the word sorrow. I instantly realized I was so focused on my anger that I hadn’t even considered that my great sorrow was equally responsible for my fueling my anger. A self-inflicted wound that I needed to address. I see both examples as signs provided by the Universe to prompt me to think about my situations from other perspectives. Perspectives that allowed me to make better decisions regarding my situation.
Last Friday I was knee-deep in plaster and dust due to the ongoing construction in our home. My computer died, and I was unable to post until this very moment. I took this as a sign that I needed to be more attentive to the details of the construction. As it turned out I caught a couple of mistakes that would have cost us a great deal of money to correct after the fact. I know that there is also the possibility that what I view to be signs from the Universe may be nothing more than day-to-day occurrences, and yet somehow I can’t shake the feeling that by acknowledging that concept I may be tempting the Universe to drop a few more signs in my direction. 😉
“He who angers you controls you” okay there may be some validity to this, but a more accurate statement is who you choose to make your end of life decisions is who controls you! I wish I could tell you that I am no longer angry about my loved ones situation. The truth is I am still extremely pissed. I’m torn between how my loved one’s life is being decided by those who may not be best suited to make the most logical of decisions, and my inability to lessen my husbands excruciating heartbreak over the entire situation. Not to mention my shameful longing to smack the living daylights out of those who have been completely emotionally manipulative to ensure they receive what I refer to as “The Gold Star.”
“The Gold Star” is the proverbial carrot on the stick for those individuals in life who never learned how to self validate, or even worse secretly hate themselves. These are the poor individuals who calculate how they can achieve all hidden inner agendas while ensuring that the rest of us believe it is truly for the benefit of someone other than themselves. They will defend this false honor to the death to ensure the illusion, and they will actively seek to destruct the credibility of those who offer any opposition to their agenda. I even think that they lie in such a masterful way that they start to believe their own lies to be the truth. Yet I can not let go of the thought that if you truly believe what you’re doing is right why do you make your decisions in such a deceptively covert way.
Well screw that, do not “pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” My stepmother-in-law, and stepsister-in-law may legally have the right to make all the decisions regarding our loved one, but I will not allow them the “Gold Star” approval they seek from he rest of this very large family circle. I will not participate in the false illusion that our opinions actually have any value in their decision-making. I will let them know that they can no longer hide under the umbrella that we have all been in agreement, and that since they feel so righteous about the decisions they have solely made then they will solely take responsibility for them.
When it was time to make the decision regarding to have a do not resuscitate order (D.N.R.) my stepmother-in-law accidently in a moment of frustration let it slip that the decision had already been made! My step-sister-in-law almost swallowed her face when she saw that I heard what my stepmother-in-law had said. This moment still haunts me because at that time I felt like acknowledging that false illusion would be to the detriment of everyone at that particular time, but that was a huge mistake on my part! The only redeeming factor of my mistake is that I did tell my husband, and our children immediately about what was said. We decided not to make this an issue because our loved one had told us prior to all of this that was his wishes should he end up in a certain circumstance.
MY MISTAKE was not openly addressing that pretending to include us in the decision was deceitful, and manipulative! They should have been immediately held accountable for the lie! We should have told her that as his wife it is ultimately her decision, (we know this), this is something we could have accepted respectfully even if we did not necessarily agree. It’s the false illusions, manipulation, and motivation for the deceit that makes the entire situation even more horrible than it already is!
I am also aware that my deep anger is not respectful to my dying loved one. My husband, and our children have made the decision to put him first. We know he is leaving us, and no amount of anger is going to change that fact. I’m not good at faking my emotions, but I am going to pull up my “big girl pants” and make myself accountable by remembering that right now is not about me. I will put my focus back onto my love one where it rightfully belongs. 😉