That Moment When You Can’t Fake Liking Someone (G-uno)

I have been in hiding for over a year now. My once sunny -side up silver lining to everything life hands me personality now lives in an alternate universe far away. I deal with my husband, my children, and my clients, but outside of that I just can’t get it together.

This absence has awakened for some unknown reason the inner stalker in my husband’s former stepsister. A masterful liar with an intense greed, who for some unknown reason seems to require faking a loving relationship with my inner family. Mr G-uno has asked me to not speak my truth with her, and this request is quite literally sucking out some of my life force.

This was a person I once trusted who has lied, and stolen from our side of the family. I have been content to stay completely away from her. I have no desire to know her anymore. This seems to have caused some glitch in her brain, She now tries to invite me to holidays, birthdays, and shows up almost every time I go somewhere. I was working from home with the lovely Ms Lee when I heard someone knocking on my back door.

There she stood with a thank you card from her mother as her excuse to stop by in the middle of a work day. I stepped out the door asked her if everything was okay, and she began blathering away about this thank you card. I told her it wasn’t necessary to give a thank you card while she tried her best to look around inside our home through the crack of the opened door. She proceeded to blather on about renovations, so I told her I was working. I thanked her for the card abruptly turned around, and went back inside closing the door behind me.

Mr G-uno felt like there could have been a number of ways to have handled this drive by ambush more appropriately. I explained that I’m under no obligation to fake a relationship with this woman, pointing out that I had kept my promise to him by not saying the things I desperately want to say to her. I just can not fake liking someone when I don’t genuinely like them. He contends that I can, but that I won’t, so after much thought the bottom line is that I won’t.

When Possibility Subsides (G-uno)

She stood before me completely different.

Even before the words left her lips my mind understood from a single gaze.

My eyes have gazed upon her countless times over her lifetime.

Her extraordinary beauty belongs to her in the same way that she belongs to me.

She was a mother now, and even though all the possibility that made her a mother had subsided the essence of her motherhood remained.

When possibility subsides, it does not take love away.

Once you have become a mother you can never again be another.

Messed Up Relationships (G-uno)

It’s a weird feeling to suddenly look around at the people in your life, and realize that absolutely nothing is the same anymore. Sure based on my judgement calls of late I’m not suggesting that I’m the same person I use to be. In fact I’m completely open to the possibility that the only person who has changed is me. It’s like I woke up one day with a completely different set of eyes.

I simply do not see the people in my life in the same way that I once did. Do you think it’s possible to assign certain personality traits to the humans in our lives the same way we give our pets human attributes? Do we give the people in our lives personality traits that help us maintain a certain comfort zone in our own perception of how we believe our lives are? People who I use to find that I could not go a single day without talking to simply do not interest me at all. It’s like leaving your home planet. and waking up in some alternate one.

I cannot see myself, so you are only getting my side of the story from my point of view, but my life is no longer the same. I can only tell you that after an hour, or two of being around someone I am ready to run. I have completely let go of some of my relationships. I read a quote that said ” Let everything go, and see what stays.” I could not have predicted the consequences of this one seemingly simple concept.

Dealing With The Mess (G-uno)

When the will to live again finally kicks in again you might think something really exciting must have ignited the spark. The truth is while lying in my bed I looked around my room, and realized my surroundings matched my insides. The room like my mind had become absent of any signs of life. It was cluttered with piles of unresolved dust, paperwork, and laundry. This prompted me to venture out to the rest of the house which of course was in exactly the same condition.

I made my way to my Mr Coffee, and put on a pot. I tackled a sink full of dishes, then room by room I began to deal with the clutter. It seemed that my mind cleared with each pile of mess. Cleaning up your physical mess is a lot easier than cleaning up your cluttered. unattended relationships. For months I had been as absent from my relationships as I had been from tending to my home.

The big problem was that even though I could no longer deal with my cluttered surroundings, I was still content with not dealing with my relationships. I did not have even a twinge of desire to reach out to the people in my life.

She Lives (G-uno)

I’d love to tell you I stopped feeling sorry for myself after Tarzan’s death, but that’s not quite what happened. After my heartfelt talk with Ms Lee I did switch over from the this is about me mode only to jump onto the deeply dark why did he do it abyss. It’s strange because my job deals almost entirely with death. So why was his death so different? I can truthfully tell you I still have no answer to this question.

Why did Tarzan take his own life? It’s another question I have no answer for, and believe me I searched for a very long time. The only thing I can tell you is that somehow after months of delving I woke up one morning greeted by a desire to live again.

The Audacity Of Taking Your Own Life Without Considering Me! (G-uno)

I have been thinking a lot about the way I live within my own little world of “Me, Myself, & I.” At times I can be very painfully oblivious. Like so many others I selfishly wander around  having the distorted outlook that somehow everything is about me.

I have a client in her 80’s who has Alzheimer’s. When I blog I refer to her as Ms, Lee. She was a teacher by profession. Ms’ Lee was born, and raised in Mississippi. Her mother was also a teacher, and her father was a pull-man porter for the railroad service. What makes Ms. Lee & her family so extraordinary is the fact that they were African-American citizens with careers in Mississippi during the 1920’s & 1930’s. No small accomplishment by any means.

Ms. Lee is declining on a daily basis, but her essence remains powerfully in tact. I have grown to both respect, and love her. When we are together I confide in her. This has become beneficial to us both. It helps to stimulate her mind by  focusing on real situations. Ms. Lee naturally falls into the role of teacher, and I have the privilege of being the student of a highly educated beautiful soul. Her wisdom is timeless, and she possesses the ability to remind me in the most gentle manner that my way of viewing the the world is not the only way.

After Tarzan took his life I found myself in such a dark place. I questioned my every conversation with him. I went over every single scenario trying to figure out why I had not been able to see how much he was suffering. Why didn’t he confide in me the same way he did when something was going on with he and Jane? Ms. Lee continued to listen to me ramble on as though I had been somehow more hurt by Tarzan”s death than he had been. At that point I was still completely oblivious to my own behavior.

Then while staring directly into her eyes, I felt the warmth of her hand as it covered mine. Very softly she said “It hurts me to see you suffering so much. Maybe your friend had no words for his suffering.” The empathy that filled her powerful words immediately removed the “Me, Myself, & I” from mine.

It’s entirely too easy to get caught up in the whole “Me, Myself. & I” world.  It’s also deeply humbling to realize that some things are not simply about us. “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”

Tarzan’s Funeral (G-uno)

I can hardly believe it’s been two months since Tarzan’s funeral. The last thing I wrote about him was our discovering his alcoholism. His stay at rehab was followed by a blackout drinking binge after just four short days of sobriety. Tarzan returned to rehab again. I don’t believe he went back because he wanted to, I believe he went because we all begged him to try again.

When he returned home he was clearly not the Tarzan we all seemed to know. I think we just never knew him sober. He was not the kind of drinker who smelled of booze. He was always upbeat, and busy. No one in our little circle ever once had even a single clue that he had an issue prior to the incident before his first rehab stay.

Tarzan committed suicide two weeks after his return from his second rehab stay. It’s been two months since his funeral, and it still does not seem real.

Unanswerable Questions (G-uno)

Most of the time when your phone rings in the middle of the night your mind knows that something horrible  is about to change your life. All I could hear was her uncontrollable crying while she tried to tell me that she just couldn’t breathe. She was panic-stricken, and she started to speak so rapidly that my still groggy mind could not keep up. I thought that her brother had died, so I asked her if she was at the hospital. She told me no, then I heard her shudder through the phone.

I asked her if she needed me to come, and once again she said no. Then she stopped crying, and asked me “How could she have done this to us?” I felt a sudden chill run through my body, and her sudden calmness was so much more frightening than her uncontrollable crying. I didn’t want to wake up Mr G-uno so I slipped out of bed, and went into the other room.The “She” that she spoke about was her mother.A woman who had married a man who had abused her children for almost a decade before she finally divorced him.

He was publicly a man of God, and a prominent man in his community. In his private life he was a monster who had tortured, and raped his step daughter, step son, and his own biological son who was several years younger than the other children. Like all abusers he had carefully chosen a weaker woman who he understood he could manipulate, and terrify into obeying his every command. She is the kind of woman who I suspect felt so unlovable that her mothering abilities had always taken a backseat to the man in her life.

I have never understood why her children did not walk away from their relationship with her years ago, or why they have continued to be a part of her life. I can only tell you as a mother myself I will never understand how she could have allowed the horrible things that happened to her children to go on for even a single day. She still pretends that she didn’t know her children were continuously raped, and tortured in their home on a nightly basis, Maybe her own mind will not let her comprehend the deplorable act of sacrificing her own children to this monster. I am not a psychiatrist, but I have seen the irreparable damage that her now adult children exhibit.I know that it is wrong to sit in judgement of another person, but I would be a liar if I told you that I don’t judge her, or the monster she married.

As horrible as the abuse was, I believe in my heart that the most severe damage was caused by knowing that their mother knew about the abuse they endured, and simply did nothing. After dinner he would pick the child that suited his monstrous desires as casually as one might pick a television show to watch after dinner. He would then instruct his wife not to disturb him. Then he would take the tearful child to the basement as the other children watched in terror knowing the horror their sibling was about to endure as the door to the basement closed.

As I sat on the couch in the dark with tears running down my face she waited for my answer to her question. A question that I had no answer for, because some questions cannot be answered.

Grey’s Anatomy (G-uno)

“Maybe being grateful

means recognizing what

you have for what it is,

Appreciating small

victories. Admiring the

struggle it takes simply

to be human. Maybe

we’re thankful for the

familiar things we know,

And maybe we’re

thankful for the things

we’ll never know. At the

end of the day, the fact

that we have the

courage to still be

standing in reason

enough to celebrate.”

– Grey’s Anatomy

 

The Moments In Between (G-uno)

He was staring at the rain as it pounded down onto the glass. It wasn’t as though he’d never seen rain before, but more that he understood it might be the last time that he would. I watched him from the doorway of his room. I was familiar with the deafening sound of the silence that takes over when a person has reached the acceptance of the end of their journey in this life. The difference for me this time was that I had not accepted his end.

He turned slowly to look at me. His face was drawn, and pale. His presence in the room was so large even as his life force diminished. I could not even force my everything is okay smile. We knew each other much to well to even make the attempt. My throat ached from trying to hold back my tears. He walked towards me holding out his arms, and like a little girl I fell into them weeping uncontrollably.

I wept because I could not take away his fears. I wept because I knew we had reached an ending point, and although he had accepted his journey’s end he was not ready to leave. I wept because I was making him be strong for me, when I should have been being strong for him. Mostly I wept because I didn’t want to let him go.

Love pours through tears. It is so powerful that there is no longer a need for words. It takes over every aspect of your being, and in the moments in between you know that you have been a part of something more beautiful than anything you have the capability to imagine. You have loved unconditionally, and you have been loved equally back. I think the secret to life is the moments in between.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs… (G-uno)

I am a person who absolutely stands by scientific data. If you asked my family and friends if I am a logically sane person, the answer would be yes. I am however a person who believes in the existence of a higher spiritual existence. An existence that is much less accepted in our more scientific based world.

If you asked me to prove to you the spiritual things that I have encountered, I have had others with me to witness some of the signs. Like the majority of people, most of my witnesses would try feverishly to explain away what they have seen in order to escape some pretty harsh judgments by those who cannot accept the existence of things they cannot prove.

I personally don’t worry about that kind of judgement. I’m very secure with the things I have experienced, and for the most part my mental sanity. 😉 I will admit that I have been a bit off my personal game since the passing of “Bette Davis Eyes.” In my line of work, I deal with the dying on a regular basis. I’m not completely sure why her death affected me so negatively, but it did. I think part of the reason is that I asked her to give me a sign. It’s something I do with all of my clients and family members.

If “Bette Davis Eyes” gave me a sign, then I completely missed it. I have been way off my personal game since her passing in December. In fact, I have not taken one single dying client since she died. “The Universe” however has not given me a get-out-of-death-free card. My first cousin has been battling cancer since my last visit to Greece. He lost his battle last Tuesday.

There is never a great timing when a death occurs, but last Tuesday was a particularly difficult day for me because of my baby brother’s disability hearing. I have been fighting for this hearing for almost 10 years. I was absolutely wrecked over having to testify in front of him regarding the symptoms of his mental illness. He is fragile and the idea of breaking him was almost unbearable. I have been praying, and I believe that those who have passed watch over us. so I ask for their guidance when something is particularly difficult for me. I also ask them for signs.

My daughter drove my brother and I to the hearing which was about a 45 minute drive. I could not stop crying after I got the call that my cousin had passed. She knows I pray for signs. She’s more scientifically inclined like her father, but can not deny the things she has seen with her own eyes. First sign – the hearing was being held in a building that I took our elderly cousin who lived with us until her passing every Thursday for 5 years when she could no longer drive. Second sign – they sent us to room 420. My Father who I specifically asked for a sign from birthday is 4-20! I know all the non believers out there are shaking their heads, while muttering coincidence, but then came the 3rd sign.

While waiting to see the judge I continued to be unable to withhold my tears of grief. The guard thought that I was crying out of my fear of appearing in front of the judge. I apologized telling him I had gotten a call from Greece before coming, and was told my cousin had died. He told me he was sorry then smiled saying one of his closest buddies was a Greek. He tried to pronounce the not so popular town in Greece. I knew what he was trying to say, and said it for him. It was the town my cousins mother is from. It was where he would be buried! This is not a well known town. The chances of someone who even lives in Greece knowing this place are very unlikely.

I knew in my heart I was surrounded in love by those who watched over me. My daughter  just looked at me with bewilderment. Can I prove to you that this was nothing more than coincidence? No I cannot, but can you prove that is was just a coincidence? 😉

Tarzan Goes To Rehab (G-uno)

Drama everywhere I look these days. Jane could have never guessed that Tarzan’s secret daughter would have been the problem she wished for instead of his problem with alcohol. I myself come from a long line of alcoholics, and I truly didn’t see this elephant in the room. To be perfectly honest though I have been wrapped up in my own menopausal woes here lately. Like most addicts Tarzan is masterful at hiding his addiction.

I hold no superior judgement on this subject. Alcoholism is no different from having any other disease in my opinion. I would not judge a person harshly for having diabetes, or any other illness in spite of a rather horrifying childhood of having an alcoholic father.

Jane herself is no stranger to life with an alcoholic. Her story differs from mine though. Her mother died from sclerosis of the liver when she was just three years old. Her father did not drink so she really doesn’t have any experience with detecting the symptoms.

So you can imagine her great surprise of finding him passed out cold on his back doorstep completely unresponsive. Having him rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and having the doctor ask you how long has he had a problem with alcohol?

Jane’s response was that he does not have a problem with alcohol. The doctor looking at Jane with an expression of great belief replied that his blood work results showed otherwise. He then strongly suggested that rehab should be the next consideration.

Jane’s Vagina (G-uno)

Just so you know you all aren’t the only ones who have to put up with my vaginal whining. Poor Jane has had more than a few earfuls along with …

So What Happens When Your Sex Drive Becomes Hormonally Challenged? (G-uno)

I have to say that I thought nothing about aging would make me any more annoyed than getting use to wearing glasses every time I need to read something. Well …

The Vaginal Trap (G-uno)

The female vagina is quite possibly one of the great mysteries in life. Women like men sometimes name their secret spot. I have been known to call my own “The …

Jane Tells Tarzan That She Slept With Ex-hubby (G-uno)

In the spirit of truthful beginnings Jane decided to confess that she had slept with her Ex-hubby while she, and Tarzan were broken up. As you might imagine this was a complete disaster! As if Tarzan wasn’t already swimming in the land of insecurities regarding Jane he now found himself insanely jealous. He was also pretty pissed. Sex with the Ex rarely turns out to be a good decision, and sharing that information with someone you hope to build a relationship with is an even worse decision,

Don’t get me wrong I am a huge fan of telling the truth, but I’m an even bigger fan of leaving Exes in the Ex zone. Why did Jane tell him about her disastrous slip you ask? Well the even better question here is why she decided to tell him this after the first time she, and Tarzan slept together since their break-up. Jane said that after making love to Tarzan she was filled with guilt. She said that she just decided to put it all out there rather than taking the chance of Ex-hubby being the one to let the cat of the bag in the long run.

I absolutely got the logic in that concept, it was the timing that threw me off the deep end. I probably would have opted for confessing before the reunion sex. 😉

a bit about the hippy (g2)

I haven’t really gone into this since I got sidetracked with anger.

The Hippy, who I met through Yankee Heather, works in another department from mine. One in which I rely on to get what I need done, but I get ultra busy and they do too so our ability to interact on topics outside of things we both need from one another tends to be minimal, It makes for a lot of misconceptions about one another when you’re not able to have a conversation with someone you work with so you can get a sense of their personality.

It’s not that I don’t have friendships with people in the department, but they’ve been slowly built over the years.

I had to laugh when The Hippy and I were sharing our first impressions of one another. I was hated and found terrifying and she was so glad I was the exact opposite, though she said a lot of that negative impression had to do with one particular member of her team who has a tendency to project a lot of their internal turmoil on others. It didn’t shock me. I probably would have been more impressed if the opposite were true.

Their team is run by a very tiny little woman who takes no shit and is swift and thorough and somewhat terrifying in her own right, and in that team are at least two who see enemies everywhere, one worse than the other.

One gave me the first impression of “elitist bitch” (this was the culprit) but kind of came off her pedestal over the years, while the other was just prone to being defensive. I once told them “I’ve never learned shit by getting it right the first time” when they messed something up and I was showing them how to fix it, and we’ve been vastly better ever since.

I told The Hippy I’d thought she was awesome the first time I’d met her. She’s laid back, but not lazy, expedient, you only had to point out an error once, she’s personable, intelligent, attentive and curious. She has a similar talent as G-uno in that you become fast friends and she can see right through a lot of shit…except when she has her own emotional investment in the view, I guess. That’s a hard one for all of us, I would venture.

Her and her boyfriend have known each other a long time as friends, went their separate ways for a while, she had been married and divorced once already. an abusive situation, and the prospect of doing it again was terrifying to her. They crossed paths again in the aftermath of bad relationships and just sparked intensely.

Seriously, not once when I met these two outside of work could they ever be on time because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another.

Apparently, I’m at that age where, although I still find it mildly revolting, I also find it adorable in its own right. I always expected to be too curmudgeonly for that shit.

The Hippy recently found out she was pregnant. For all the years she declared to never want kids, when faced with the very real possibility of having one upon her, even with all the fear, she realized was excited about the idea. Especially considering she’d been told she’d never have any.

While she toyed with the idea of an abortion and if they were ready to be parents, when asking for his honest opinion, her boyfriend stuck to his “no kids” sentiment, while at the same time increasing his retirement investment, pouring over his budget, laid out when they should move into a bigger place,  and planned out how to fast track himself into a promotion.

It took a while for him to finally admit he really did want this child, but didn’t want to put any pressure on her to have it if she didn’t want it. So she was afraid to tell him she wanted to keep it because of how she felt before finding out she was pregnant, and he didn’t want to tell her he wanted the child because of…. shit….

aw fuck, it all make me want to beat the hell out of both of them from the nausea.

 

Tarzan & Jane’s Valentine’s Day (G-uno)

Let’s start off by saying the sparks that were flying on February 13th were not exactly the same on Valentine’s day. In the waiting room of the hospital one might have gotten the impression that Tarzan, and Jane were heading straight for the sheets. There was so much tension in the room as he held her I was sure there would be less talk, and more sex. This however was not the case.

Tarzan did invite Jane over to his house for dinner. Jane who was still elated over Khaleesi, and the baby being okay along with Tarzan’s appearance in the waiting room was under the impression that everything could go back to the way it had been before. So she buys a sexy new red dress, gets waxed from head to toe, and heads over to Tarzan’s for a steamy Valentine’s Day reunion.

Tarzan on the other hand was still harboring a raging grudge over Jane breaking up with him for having kept his daughter a secret from her. Jane told me it was pretty awkward showing up with the all is forgiven attitude only to find out that she was the one who had not been forgiven. Tarzan agreed that he understood how Jane may have felt betrayed, but he didn’t understand her just walking away from what they shared without any effort towards trying to work things out.

He also informed Jane that they were way passed the point of only her feelings being the only ones to be considered. That he did not want to have a relationship with someone who considered their point of view to be the only one that mattered. Jane told me she was trying to listen with an open mind, but she was starting to get really pissed at the same time. She reminded him that a lie by omission is still a lie. His rebuttal was that he really did not view the young woman as his daughter, followed by if you give a child up for adoption do you still get to walk around saying you have a child?

Jane’s rebuttal was that you continued to hide the fact that you had a daughter even though you had agreed to meet her after several unmentioned conversations together. Tarzan told Jane that he was still processing the whole thing, and he wasn’t ready to share that with her at that point. He also told her that he resented the fact that she still thought he was under some obligation to share every part of his life as though they were a married couple. Then he pointed out they were not married, and that was also something that she had decided.

Jane became livid at this point, and said ” I can’t believe you’re still butt hurt over the whole proposal thing I had just gotten out of a 30 year plus marriage!” Well the whole “butt-hurt” comment didn’t go over well, and he started yelling back “Well sorry for not getting permission from you to make a decision on my own…I forgot it was the Jane show!”

Jane said that was when it hit her that they were having the same argument all over again just like a married couple. She said as she stood there watching him pacing back & forth all worked up she realized she is in love with him. Then she walked over to him, and cupped his face with both hands, and uttered the magic words “I’m sorry. We are never going to get one another to change how we both see this can we please just agree to disagree?” Tarzan was stunned by her reaction. His reply was “Well okay then.”So this is how it all began again…. 😉

 

Jane & Ex-hubby Have A Granddaughter (G-uno)

Khaleesi gave birth to a beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce baby girl. After a 14 hour labor I don’t mind telling you that nothing brings a room full of adults to their knees like the possibility of losing a baby. Khaleesi in true warrior fashion decided to have a natural birth. Jane and I pleaded with her to reconsider, but she chose to stick to her guns. Unfortunately after 14 of the longest hours of our lives her doctor made the decision to deliver our new little princess by C-section. Jane and Ex-hubby never left her side. Meanwhile in the waiting room her siblings, in-laws, “The Girls”, and Tarzan paced agonizing over every update the delivery nurse gave to us.

Okay, I admit it was me who called Tarzan. I felt like after everything he had done for Khaleesi for her wedding, and through her pregnancy he deserved to know she was in labor. I also have to tell you that having him there was so natural. We all realized that he just simply had become a part of our little tight-knit circle, After the C-section Khaleesi, her husband, and baby were settled into their room Jane, and Ex-hubby joined us all in the waiting room. When Jane walked into the room the sparks between she, and Tarzan began to fly. A blind person would have detected the current in that room. Yet each of them remained distant in the room.

That is until everyone else had decided to leave. Tarzan remained with myself, Mr G-uno, Ex-hubby, his wife, and Jane. Without so much as a moment of hesitation Jane walked over to Tarzan, and he held open his arms. She looked so small as she cried uncontrollably as  he held her. I think she cried for many reasons. She had almost lost Khaleesi, and her granddaughter. She was overjoyed that everything had passed knowing they were both going to be fine. Some of her tears were an unspoken apology to Tarzan for ending things between them so abruptly. Most of all I think just like the rest of us she herself realized just how much a part of our lives Tarzan had become.

 

i’m getting better… (g2)

I’m trying desperately to catch up with all the items I’ve missed, I have been simply incapable of sitting down for even ten minutes and reading anything. I don’t know why.

Antsy, irritable might all begin to describe me, but mostly I just wanted to cut off everything. I lost my phone, it went dead for days at a time. I worked like an automaton and treated people much the same. I came home with only thoughts of hunger, then exhaustion.

I moved one day to the next with checklists in my head, no love or desire for anything.

I would say that under normal circumstances this would be the period when I would slide into the abyss of depression for a bit, go back on the meds, work the steps that pull me back out of it. Like accepting every 8th invitation whether I want to or not, for example, which is the only reason I had any interaction with the Yankee outside of work, pleasant as the experience was to my surprise.

I suppose having a kid is kind of a motivator for me to push away the darkness more strongly than I might otherwise. Considering we only have one another, we talk daily, we discuss everything, it tends to keep me more grounded and tethered to something. I realize this doesn’t work for everyone and I’m certainly not belittling that in any way when family has no effect on your darkness when it comes to call, but my kid is very much my totem.

In moments when I would otherwise not be able to stop it from pulling me under, I have the half-pint who reminds me why I’m not done fighting today. Maybe tomorrow. Or, maybe the day after.

For my G-uno, I was the one who brought the dysfunctional in-laws into my marriage. I never knew what a family could be like until I met my ex’s family. I’m still very connected to them, just as I’m very disconnected from my own. It is extremely painful to not be loved and accepted within your own family and to know that in every subtext of how they speak to you.

To be able to walk away from that, know them to be the poisonous element and still have faith in your own self as being a good person and not seeing yourself through their eyes, takes a strength a person just shouldn’t have to bear with people supposedly under the title of “loved ones.” My made family, the family I built from my teens on, G-uno and BFG very much included, shaped a lot of who I am today, gave me the strength to fight against a very twisted guardian and their brood.

We feel compelled to try to make and fix things. You and I especially like to fix. Maybe it is a Gemini thing.

But I will never be able to fix the person my gran made me out to be to their family, a spoiled and greedy orphan never satisfied with anything received and working poor gran’s fingers to the bone demanding more. This spilled over to my aunt and uncles and poisoned the mind of my cousin and his wife. They will always have that haughty smugness when I spend time with them that I don’t measure up enough to have been “gran’s favorite”.

I already knew that. I spent a great amount of effort trying not to be, repeatedly kicking that fucking pedestal anytime I saw it coming closer. To be in gran’s good graces would mean I was like them. That was the last thing I ever wanted to be.

I had an epiphany recently. I knew I married another version of gran, so I could have the same bullshit fights with different outcomes and I had to do a lot of soul searching to overcome that. But it went further than that. My ex manipulated me to be geographically isolated. Gran, being the manipulation master they were, managed to do it emotionally, mentally. They made sure I had no one in my family who saw me as I was. No one to confide in. No one. Except them.

When this hit me, I kind of wanted to dig gran up and just beat the hell out of them. It hurt, but it was their own selfishness that motivated every diabolical thing they did. They destroyed their own family, caused so much internal fighting and baseless hate that those of us generations later just want nothing to do with any of them, or one another, save for a small few.

So when a person, such as yourself, who has had nothing but selfless goals calls a lost cause a lost cause, why would you feel this in any way your fault? To be able to fix them, you’d have to think like they do, and in turn understand them, and take a risk of turning into that yourself. I couldn’t risk that, I try to carve that ability out of myself much in the way you battle the Kraken.

There is a point when self-preservation has to kick in and you have to give it up and escape. You don’t call it a bad thing if you’re not able to fight a bear with brass knuckles, its a fucking bear. You’re thankful you survived.