Posts Tagged hurt
When I was having dinner with my little cousins, we talked about so many things that I believe there were at least 4 conversations running simultaneously the entire evening. The youngest even enlisted us in playing a cellphone game that worked kind of like charades in reverse. You hold your phone to your forehead outward and everyone else is supposed to give you hints without saying the word or phrase on the screen.
The youngest blazed through the music category and wanted me to try.
I love music.
With how many posts I have made that involved a video, or song reference, I’m sure you’ve figured this out. The only group I have joined on any social media has to do with music, mostly indie/alternative. I played three different instruments growing up, I listen to college radio because I think its awesome to listen to dubstep going to work, then spanish rap on the way home, for example.
My hunger for music has only increased with age, contrary to what psychology/sociology doctrine says I should be. When I first interacted with Pandora, I was in heaven… a genome project for music? What the hell? I plugged in a few songs I could think of off the top of my head and it played completely different shit that I totally loved. I plow through my Spotify weekly… well, weekly and add anything I like to a current playlist to get me through work. Any band I like two or more songs of goes on a list of things to purchase an album… or two. I’m the revenue online music sites can’t track.
Spawn and I go to the local music store that still specializes in records and spend an ungodly amount of money and take out stacks of stuff. I am so connected to them via social media, I send them instant messages to request stuff I know they will have to order so it will be there when we get there. They show me stuff when I come in they think I will be interested in. They are my people.
Yes, I still buy CD’s. I figure when I make my first mill, I’ll invest in albums again and the stereo system it would take to make me happy, but I like the liner notes and inserts regardless. We listen to each in the car until we’re tired of it, I burn them all when we’re done so I can access them online or burn them onto mix CD’s for road trips.
I have a system, man.
I love music.
I also sincerely believe that my former spouse only owning two albums, one of them being a soundtrack, should have been sign enough to run the other way and I was just being stupid.
It was the elder of the two who piped up and said “pick a different category, they’re not going to know that crap.”
I asked what kind of music they thought I listened to. I barely see these girls anymore, which kills me, so I made no assumptions of them knowing my musical taste or taste in anything really. Hell, most people who did know me couldn’t tell you what my music tastes are.
The eldest responded immediately with, “eclectic, very eclectic is your taste.”
They really couldn’t be more right. I actually thought that would be to my advantage in a music category, but apparently they only put current music on the Gaga front and any other female singer willing to wear plastic and pasties to cut a record.
The older sister was right, I didn’t know anything about the current stuff they played in that music category. I could only nail it when they played stuff before 2k or the 90’s and earlier. The younger sister knew all of it, from classic rock on, she nailed it all. It’s not that I don’t listen to recent stuff either, I just don’t listen to recent “popular” stuff apparently.
I truly cannot tell the difference between almost any of the female singers that are currently being gushed over these days. It all sounds exactly the same to me.
The older sister and I share a mutual love of books. One of my most favorite gifts ever is when she gave me The Perks of Being a Wallflower. At the time, it was one of her favorites and she was the same age as the protagonist. I loved it as well. Probably not least of which due to it being set in an era I was growing up and experiencing some of the same things. We talked about our current reads and made mental notes of ones to check out from the other’s coffers.
Spawn was mostly silent throughout dinner, looking exhausted and overwhelmed. I often wonder if they might be a little closer to what good relatives we do have if they would just give a little more input into the conversation or reached out just a little more. However, I wasn’t much different at that age, just preferring to listen because I felt nothing I said would be interesting enough to contribute.
I sincerely hope that isn’t the reason for Spawn’s silence.
Little sis loved picking on Spawn on about this, to which the older sister would immediately defend them. I found it amusing. I’d always operated under the assumption that Spawn would talk when they wanted to and not a minute before.
The older sister also went to the school of fine arts that Spawn wishes to also attend, only for the cello, which Spawn has been playing too and loves. I doubt either of them have discussed the commonality at any point ever unless I brought it up.
The younger is putting aside her dreams of being a DJ to become a professional student. I would love this. Get up, learn shit, go home. If I could do that every day, I would be in heaven. I get the sense she is just feeling really directionless whereas her sister was very driven and had solid goals. In this area, I empathize with the younger sister more. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, I just know I’m not doing it.
Jane is furious that Ex-hubby rather graphically told their kids about walking in on her & Tarzan having sex, so after setting her kids straight she had a heart to heart with him. Jane told us at lunch she called him, of course “The infant” (sorry our caddy little nickname for the 24 year-old girlfriend ;)) answered the phone. Jane says that this is becoming a regular thing now whenever she calls him. Imagine that, the young woman doesn’t trust her cheating man.
Jane told Ex-hubby that he could not just drop by without calling anymore. He told her that it was his house so he would come by whenever he wished. She reminded him that he couldn’t wait to move out of that house so perhaps he should reacquaint himself with that memory whenever he got the urge to stop by.
Jane asked him what he thought he would accomplish by sharing the details of his drive by with their children? He told her that she had made him the bad guy with the kids first, and that he thought it was only fair that the kids knew he wasn’t the only bad parent. Jane said she was livid, and told him even though he has decided to relive his childhood he should remember that he is the bad guy. She told him in case he’d forgotten he started his affair before their marriage had even come to an end.
He told Jane their marriage had ended long before he had stepped out that door. Jane told him that he could of chosen to end it officially, but decided to be a cheating, lying piece of shit instead! Then she said if our relationship was so over then why were you so bothered by seeing me move on with my life? He told her that she wasn’t moving on that she was trying to punish him for falling for “the infant ;)” by seeing Tarzan!
Jane told him that he was delusional, and that if he hadn’t of jumped so quickly to become her rebound that she, and Tarzan probably would have gotten back together! (Now that one was meant to hurt him) Jane said it pissed her off that Ex-hubby was implying that the only reason Tarzan was seeing her was to settle a 3 decade old wound. Followed by a fuck you, you arrogant bastard. Then she told him to go make a life with your infant, stay the fuck out of my life, and that way you won’t have anything rubbed into your cheating, lying face.
I don’t know about you all, but I’m feeling the burn from that conversation myself. Sorry it has taken me so long to get this post out. Between our daughter’s wedding planning, and my job I can’t seem to keep up. Jane seems to think that she put Ex-hubby into his place closing the door to that relationship. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not so sure that this was the final conversation on this subject. 😦
By the time I got to her house she had already opened her first bottle of wine, and as she poured her next glass she asked me “Why?” I stood there frozen in time. I could literally feel the pain flowing from her body. I didn’t know why. I only knew that if in that moment If I could erase what she must have been feeling I would have moved Heaven, and Earth to do so.
It was as though my throat was incapable of uttering a sound. The ache of what felt like a huge knot in my throat blocked every thought that ran through my head. Then to make matters worse, tears began to stream down my cheeks. Yep, I was a total rock. On my drive over to her house I practiced being strong, and positive. I carefully thought of all the things I could say that would bring her some kind of relief.
Then I saw her standing there waiting for me to say the words that might stop her pain, and every word that I had rehearsed inside my head disappeared. She knows me. She knows that when I am overwhelmed I cry. For a brief second she looked relieved by my tears, then she asked me if I thought he was having an affair.
This time my words pushed their way through the huge knot in my throat that seemed to be growing larger every second, and I told “Her absolutely not.” She searched my eyes, just to make sure that I wasn’t feeding her a line of crap. Then she began to cry uncontrollably asking me over, and over “Then why, why is he doing this?”
I looked into her pain filled eyes, and told her I didn’t know why. Maybe he’s going through something we don’t know about. Maybe he is depressed, or sick. We just need to take some time, and figure this out. The next few hours were brutal. She paced back, and forth questioning every conversation they’d had over the past few months.
She cried, and she questioned her every response to him. She was hurt, and angry. She kept saying” Who does this after 34 years?” “Who waits till 6 days before Thanksgiving to move out, and take a break?” After all the pacing she finally sat down on the couch next to me. Then she asked me “What do I tell the kids when they get here?”
Marriage can be difficult even in it’s best moments. We are capable of incredible damage with just one slip of the tongue. The moment when your otherwise harmless organ turns into a razor-sharp blade with the ability to make a cut so deep that even the most skilled plastic surgeon would be unable to hide the scar left behind. I remember the moment when four little words brought me to my knees. Simple words, that suddenly had the power to emotionally cut me in half. “You don’t like me.”
It was, and to this very day is the worst thing my husband has ever said to me! What made it so horribly painful was the fact that he actually believed what he had said. The man who had been my best friend through every single event in my life for over thirty years was standing before me believing that I no longer liked him.
I know what your thinking. Oh big damn deal some of you have heard name calling, fuck yous, I hate you, I cheated on you, and a lot of other horrible things that on the surface seem like much worse things to say. I get all of that, but the very idea that I had somehow given my husband even the slightest notion that I didn’t like him was deeply painful to me. It had never even crossed my mind that this thought would be something anyone could convince him of, under any circumstance, least of all me.
Somewhere along the way something I had said, or done had cut him so deeply that he harbored this thought. My mind was spinning. How could he believe something so awful? Why didn’t he say something until that moment? God, how long has he been thinking this way? Most importantly how could I have not picked up on something so big between us? In my mind I guess I felt exempt from this kind of miscommunication between us. It was a huge wake up call. A reminder that I had been complacent. That I had taken him for granted,assuming that I knew how he felt, and that he knew how I felt.
Relationships are not self-sustaining states of being. They are ever-changing, living organisms that require you to be present. They need attention, and maintenance to survive. If we are really smart about our relationships we will do way better than just trying to survive. We will put in the wiser goal of thriving. 😉