Tag: inner reflection

4 Days & Jane’s Daughter Becomes Somebody’s Wife (G-uno)

Khaleesi is feeling the love in every direction these days since both Jane, and Ex-hubby seem to have made a truce for their daughter’s wedding. Surprisingly Ex-hubby’s 24 year-old girlfriend has continued to lay low in this mad rush we’ve all been in to put this wedding together. Tarzan has definitely missed his calling in life, this man should have been a wedding planner. Next to my own daughter I’ve never seen anyone put together an event with such detail, and organization.

Saturday’s the big day, and minus a few small details we are ready for this wedding to take place. This has been a chaotic month for me in many ways. So as much as I hate to say it my exercising, and blogging have been sorely neglected. Almost every significant event in my life seems to land in the month of June for me so emotionally I find myself feeling a bit chaotic. My range is from filled with extreme joy to grief, and sadness.This month is filled with the birthdays of some of my favorite people on the planet, and equally filled with the losses of my other favorite people on the planet.

My focus is on remaining in the happier zone, but when given a moment on my own my thoughts drift towards missing those who have left. Pretty fitting for a birth month strongly known for it’s duality. No worries though I have my big girl pants pulled up, and I have been able to remain mindfully in the moment of the happier events. Khaleesi is like a daughter to me, and seeing her so happy has been so good for all of us. The beautiful thing about this life is that there are these wonderful milestones that seem to guide us all in the right direction in spite of all the other more difficult ones.


why is it when i have an existential crisis i silently brood like a dead barnacle (g2)

I really fucking hate my job. I’m really irritated with my life in general right now. At the back of my mind, I am constantly also telling myself that being able to brood about trivial matters like this is something I should be thankful for, since, as we all know, everything could always be so much worse.

So why is it when I’m most in need of venting about all the shit I’m wanting to rage about, I hole up like a dead barnacle and go radio silent?

Short answer is, I don’t know.

I suspect there is a deep-seeded element that tells me it’s impolite to bitch as often as I have been and I should shut up until I have something more pleasant to say or decide to disclose a humorous moment of my own ridiculousness rather than the trite bullshit I have going on currently. But then I argue again that doing so defeats the entire purpose of raw honesty. That not disclosing my internal struggle goes against the very fabric of this blog, the desire for betterment and peace through unbridled discussion. I’m also a firm believer of karma and feel like putting all the negative shit I’m dealing with in my mind out in the open is somehow creating a surplus of the negative and it will just come back on me tenfold. Then I double back and think that purging the negative is part of the cleansing process and I’m merely breeding new bile by remaining silent.

I’ve got a lot of personalities in my head that just need to shut the fuck up. It staggers me the ability I have to argue myself into absolute circles. Dogs chasing their own ass give up faster than I do. It’s no wonder I’m usually rendered completely immobile whenever I must come to a decision about something in my life. And usually, it seems, no matter what choice I make… it usually works out badly.

Ironically, I am wonderfully proactive and downright pushy when it’s someone else. Why am I like that? I can see the steps to their goals so easily. Three steps this way, one dodge to the left, a trot up and voila.

However when it comes to my own issues, I’m more like:

When I’m trying to figure out the steps to get to where I feel would be a better direction, it always seems to work like:

I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way, which is most of the reason I figure I shouldn’t bother people with it. My god, what a fucking idiot I am! Now I have a headache too… wait a sec…

Ok. it’s amazing when you can make a snack out of ibuprofen and zantac.

Let’s get on with it… I’ve been doing pretty much the same essential job type for well over ten years. It’s boring but I’m good at it and it’s the type of job that is needed at just about any mid to large company in some form. It’s your typical 8-5 (when dafuq has it ever been 9, Dolly, when!?). Usually, my job doesn’t bother me. For the peace of mind of a steady paycheck, I go in every day, do my shit and leave. However, I’ve only been with this particular company a couple years. At first, it was good environment-wise, although the benefits are pretty bad. The people I was exposed to were all really awesome and everyone was on their first date behavior. Over time, a few of those outside of my department are showing more and more that they are merely adult-sized children. They accuse my department of incompetence or of just flat-out refusing to do our jobs and when they don’t get the answer they want, they find someone over our heads to complain to in order to make things go their way. Personally, I’ve like to give them all pacifiers this Christmas and toss them in front of a bus.

This company has no value… actually it has negative value. Yes, its making money but it would take just one big lawsuit and the doors would have to shut. I’m not allowed to tell anyone that. When the economy crashed several years ago, my company made deals with every devil that could get them another week of payroll and electricity to stay running. This is the mess that my department has to resolve, without discussing it with anyone outside our department because it would hurt morale.

What about my morale? I find myself wishing for that one big lawsuit to close the doors for good because that is the only thing that brings a smile to my face.

I spend half of my day dealing with people we cannot pay right now, comforting them, assuring them, giving them timeframes and making promises… only to be told I don’t communicate enough, usually by people who aren’t my fucking boss nor in my department, but for some reason I’m supposed to give a shit about their opinion. Their behavior is unfortunately rewarded, so the cycle continues.

I was hired to do quite a lot more than I am currently able to do, because “to communicate more” means I have to take from everything else… even staying late and bringing in Spawn to sometimes help, for free, with the remedial bullshit isn’t helping. When I asked if we could maybe interview a kid I knew as a summer helper, I was redirected to the owner’s useless kid, who the last time was there to help us, worked a solid hour and 45 minutes over three months and spent most of it on their phone.

It finally dawned on me that the only reason I’m really here is to play the punching bag. Much like we vote for a president to take the vast array of PR shit the House and Congress are pulling, I’m the face given for my co-workers to toss pies at in order to feel like they’re effective badasses.

And I cannot do a damn thing about it.

My savings was sucked dry by a car that is getting old and needing more and more work and a piece of shit service guy who couldn’t do his job, over several visits. Spawn is staying home for much of the summer because I just didn’t have it to spend as much on their summer program.

My home is a dump and I often look over my cleaning supplies and wonder what combination might make the whole lot go up in flames.

I want to move.

Can’t afford that either.

I’ve also been throwing money away by just renting these past ten years or so. I could have had a house 1/3 paid off. It just doesn’t end the idiocy I cause in my own life.

I rent because I don’t want to stay in this state. I can’t afford to move. I’m ready to hock, sell, smash or donate most of the stuff in my house. I can feel myself itching to just take off, knowing fucking well that… based on past experience… I will break down in the middle of nowhere with nothing to bail myself out on.

I want to own a coffee shop, preferably one I can live above because I’m just that fucking lazy.

I want to be on the west coast.

I want to dictate my own fucking hours, and make shit that people buy.

I don’t want to be beholden solely on a shitty company for my personal well-being.

And the more I have one soul-crushing birthday weigh in after another, I am constantly reminded of how little I have done with my life, how much potential I will never regain, how meaningless the years have been, how little I’ve put out in the world that I’m proud of outside of my kid… in fact, that’s it.

Then I wonder what the fuck I’m bitching about.

Auto-Obituaries Part-1 (G-uno)

“Lived life-like I was blindfolded, walking backwards in a dark room full of buckets. I regret nothing.” g2 How’s that for an “Auto-Obituary?” I personally think that it’s a masterpiece written by partner-in-blog. Ever since the utterly wonderful 82 year-old Maude turned me into her personal secretary to script out her own “Auto-Obituary” ( Another really awesome masterpiece) I have been thinking about what I would write for mine.

Maude’s went like this- “I was born in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania a long-ass time ago. I had wonderful parents, and siblings. I enjoyed my childhood, and got into more mischief than most. I married a man who made me laugh every single day for 51 years. I was always a little sad that we never had children, but I was always surrounded by good family, and friends. Everything else is none of your damn business.” If you’re a little curious about Maude you may want to check out our post “Some Things Are Just None Of Our Damn Business“.

I love the idea that the last thing written about our lives should be authored by no one else except ourselves. Who could be more accurate than the person who lived that life. Then this lead me to the thought that we should also “Auto-Epitaph.” Giving ourselves the ultimate final word, after all who doesn’t love having the final say. Okay I see I just gave away the content of my part-2 post “Auto-Epitaph.” Don’t worry I’m aware that many others have already done both of these tasks, but I’m approaching this from the perspective that it’s something I personally have never done.

So after a great deal of thought this is my “Auto-Obit”-

Looking back on my life I realize that it was filled with both unexpected, and planned moments.

The surprise was that each brought me to conclusions that could only ever be experienced by me,

and the truth is that each moment whether guided by me, or fated by the stars has meant more to

than I will ever be able to put into words. I think it’s great thing that most of life is an uncertainty, because

it let’s us decide the things that we can uniquely deem to have been the best moments in our lives.

It would take me a lifetime to name them all, but I would like to leave you with a few of my personal favorites.

Great loves, unforgettable conversations, laughing so hard that your stomach aches, staring deeply into the eyes of those who speak to you, eating grapes and Feta cheese simultaneously, reading the written words of another person, making love until you can no longer physically continue, planting flowers and gardens,walks in the mountains, or along beaches, playing in the rain or running through sprinklers, collecting rocks from every place you visit, holding your children in your arms, first kisses, the sound of trains passing along the tracks, catching lightning bugs in a jar, family dinners, sitting on the porch reliving moments of days gone by, knowing that each, and every person you met along the way was worth knowing, sleeping naked, being loved unconditionally, singing your favorite song out loud at the top of your lungs, painting,writing, coffee, and watching movies together early in the morning, being someones person in this life, moments spent alone, being someone’s daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, caretaker, or being someones wife, being a Mom …

God, how Lucky was I to have been me. 😉


My New Years Eve Gift (G-uno)

It’s about to get all kinds of sappy on here so if sugar isn’t your thing now’s the time to hit the next post. For those of you with a sweet tooth this one’s for you! New years Eve is my husband’s birthday. He and I have celebrated thirty-four birthdays together starting with my seventeenth. I have been unlucky in many aspects of my life, but this is the one area where I consider myself to be “lottery jack-pot like” lucky!

He showed up in my study hall during my junior year in high-school. It wasn’t until four months later that our teacher finally realized he was not scheduled to be a student in this particular study hall. When she confronted him with this newly found observation his reply was that he felt it was the best way to share a class with me without actually being interrupted by the educational process. She responded by having him removed from the class.

My husband sees the world from an entirely different viewpoint than most people I know. Rules have their place, but this is his life, and if the rule doesn’t make sense why should you continue to follow something that does not apply to your situation. He has reminded me on more than one occasion that the nobles in life are only noble because someone had the intuitive to decide that no other man should have the right to govern his life. Having been raised to follow  the rules in life, you can imagine the intrigue that came with thought process! Not to mention it was being delivered with the most handsome face and beautiful green eyes I had ever seen.

He is like an invincible hero type character in life strong physically and mentally. He is one of those people who just decides something can be done, and he does it irregardless of what the goal may require. Fearless, highly coordinated, and incredibly capable at most endeavors. His Achilles heel is his inability to recognize the more complicated emotions of other people. He never stops to wallow in any hardship he encounters and in turn doesn’t see the need for others to get bogged down in all that time-wasting wallowing either.

He is hands down a stubborn Swede with a pension for perfectionism. He can be unrelenting once he has made up his mind. He is also an amazing husband, friend, and lover. The kind of father who drops anything he is doing to spend time with our children, or help them with anything they may need. Over the years we have laughed, stayed up all night just talking or making love, we have fought just like anybody else in a life-long relationship, and raised two amazing children. In all our years together, never once have I not known for even a single second that I have been the luckiest woman in the world to have had this man in my life.

We’ve always joked that everybody celebrates his birthday. It’s tradition for the person whose birthday it is to be the recipient of gifts, but the truth is that even though it’s his birthday he is my gift in this life. My News Year Eve gift, a man worthy of being celebrated by everyone. 😉

Christmas Contentment (G-uno)

Unlike G2 our Christmas was straight up insanity! Between Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day we celebrated five different ways with five different groups. Due to divorces and extended family members this is the norm for us on holidays. This is not something I completely enjoy because it involves juggling a great many personalities, a great deal of preparation, and an overabundance of work which can be extremely chaotic.

I have to say the morning of Christmas Eve started with mad cleaning, cooking, and a wonderful surprise. Our daughter called with the news that her boyfriend of six years had proposed to her. He had given her a ring so beautiful that she herself could not have picked out anything better, if you knew our daughter you would know this was indeed high praise. She was so happy! The kind of joy all parents hope their children will experience. We love the young man she has agreed to marry. He is smart, kind, and clearly loves our first-born in the way that every parent hopes for their child to be loved.

As I rushed around preparing for our Christmas Eve dinner feeling very happy about the news of our daughters engagement we received a call from Hospice saying that our loved one had become unresponsive and that we should contact family members sooner rather than later. News that I know will devastate my husband and our children. So in the middle of cooking we have to drop everything contact numerous other family members, and rush to his long-term facility. Did I mention our guests for the evening were from out-of-town? They came with us to be with our loved one. After extreme panic, and distress it turned out to be a false alarm. Our loved one was experiencing heat exhaustion. His room had reached 81 degrees.They had him covered in heavy blankets. He sleeps on a special mattress to prevent bed sores, and this mattress is much like sleeping on an electric blanket. All of these details had escaped our loved ones nurse’s attention. We were thrilled that he was not dying and emotionally drained by the experience!

I went home tried to pick up from where I had stopped on our mad dash to the nursing facility. I was emotionally drained but still committed to trying to make a nice dinner for our guests. Let’s just say having a hostess who is completely shaken, and crying is not really a great experience for anyone. Our guest were very gracious, but my heart was just not in this celebration. It took every thing I had to make it through this dinner. After they left I went back up to be with our loved one. I just needed to know he was okay, and not alone.

Then came Christmas morning. Our plan was that my sister, and I would cook breakfast. Mom, our brother, my husband, our son and I would go to our daughter’s apartment to have breakfast with her and her fiance who had to work on Christmas. My sister who had not been feeling well bails and I am rushed to do all of the cooking. I now also need to pick up my Mom, and brother who were suppose to ride over with my sister. All misfortunes aside it turned out to be a very nice breakfast with a lot of happy conversation about the future wedding.

After breakfast my husband, and our two children took Mom and my brother home. Then we headed up to the nursing facility to spend a couple of hours with our loved one. He faded in and out, but seemed quite content to listen to all our chatter. Then we were off again to my sister-in-laws house for dinner, and our annual reenactment of the 12 days of Christmas (don’t ask let’s just say it involves a lot of crazy singing and memory skills), there were 31 of us so you can imagine the amount of preparation this involves.

Christmas is never simple or quiet for us. This year I lagged behind in every single attempt I made to try to enhance everyone’s Christmas celebration. The miracle is that in spite of everything Christmas happened, and I am left with the feeling that all is well for this moment in my little world. I hope that however you spent your holiday that you also found some contentment in your little corner of the world. 😉

Up Close & Personal (G-uno)

A visit to the Gynecologist is second only to the up close & personal review of your parenting style from the perspective of your 2 adult children. I will be the first to admit that my parenting style was, and continues to be somewhat less than conventional. Over the years my kids and I have watched many a movie together, and out of curiosity I once asked them which “Mom” character most closely resembled myself. This reference may not be helpful to those of you who have not seen the movie “The Family Stone” starring Diane Keaton, Craig T. Nelson, Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams, Dermot Mulroney, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Luke Wilson, but for those of you who have it paints a pretty descriptive picture. According to my children I am Cybil, the character played by Diane Keaton.

We are lucky because our children like coming by and hanging out with us. However unconventional we may be, we are all very close. So yesterday morning the kids and I were at home sitting at the kitchen table discussing what it was like to grow up in our home. It occurred to me that the areas of parenting where I felt  like I should have done things differently were not the areas that they would have changed. I have to admit to you all (as I have with my children) that I never envisioned myself being married. I never dreamed of a wedding or even imagined that I would have children.

Truth be told I couldn’t imagine a God who would entrust me with either of those roles. On the good side I am caring, empathetic, and patient. On the bad side I am blunt, I am overly protective, and when angered I can be quite explosive. I felt like I treated my children as though they were more like adults than like children. I was harsher than I should have been. I engaged in power struggles to illustrate my point instead of realizing that as the adult it was completely unnecessary.

I have always admitted to my children when I felt my reaction to a situation was wrong. I was wrong more times than I care to recall. I think the one thing I did right was that I apologized immediately when I knew I had done the wrong thing. I explained why I was wrong and how I should have done things correctly. This does not in any way excuse my bad behavior or change any of the damage I may have done to my children. It did however let them know that I not only loved them, but that they were entitled to my respect. It was hard to hear them tell me with a joking manner and clearly hurtful eyes that after being scolded by me they were never in fear of anyone else. They felt that like my father had made me into such a strong person that I had done the same for them.

I love my children for trying to ease my deepest regrets. It’s a strong affirmation that with all my mistakes they have compassion for my very real disappointment in not always being the parent they deserved. More importantly I do not allow them to dismiss my wrong doing. I hold myself accountable for all my behavior in hopes that they will one day pause when they are about to do the wrong thing towards their own children. That they will break the cycle of bad parenting. That they will do better than I did, and if they stumble that they will remember that it’s important to show your children respect and truth. In hopes that they will never forget their own extraordinary value as human beings.