Posts Tagged lies
Drama everywhere I look these days. Jane could have never guessed that Tarzan’s secret daughter would have been the problem she wished for instead of his problem with alcohol. I myself come from a long line of alcoholics, and I truly didn’t see this elephant in the room. To be perfectly honest though I have been wrapped up in my own menopausal woes here lately. Like most addicts Tarzan is masterful at hiding his addiction.
I hold no superior judgement on this subject. Alcoholism is no different from having any other disease in my opinion. I would not judge a person harshly for having diabetes, or any other illness in spite of a rather horrifying childhood of having an alcoholic father.
Jane herself is no stranger to life with an alcoholic. Her story differs from mine though. Her mother died from sclerosis of the liver when she was just three years old. Her father did not drink so she really doesn’t have any experience with detecting the symptoms.
So you can imagine her great surprise of finding him passed out cold on his back doorstep completely unresponsive. Having him rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and having the doctor ask you how long has he had a problem with alcohol?
Jane’s response was that he does not have a problem with alcohol. The doctor looking at Jane with an expression of great belief replied that his blood work results showed otherwise. He then strongly suggested that rehab should be the next consideration.
Even though I cannot deny that the whole secrecy thing struck me as a huge red flag, another part of me felt like people make mistakes. We all have a tendency to hide the things from our past that we may feel a sense of shame over. I’m not a human doormat, but I’m big on figuring out why someone would hide something before deciding not to give them a second chance. Jane says that’s a dangerous way to live.
She may be right. I think I feel this way because I cherish the idea that we can all be forgiven for making mistakes. My line in the sand is when we have explored what, and why something happened I make it clear that if the violation occurs again that it’s no longer a mistake, but a conscious choice. That is the point where I walk away. I’m not sure everyone who begins a relationship discusses their boundaries. For a lot of people it’s a journey that slowly reveals boundaries they may not have even known they had.
Jane feels like she clearly stated her boundary limits right from the start, and that Tarzan poorly chose to take a chance by crossing that line. I cannot argue that logic. I think I’m just really sad for them both. The girls, and I discussed the fact that he did not commit an infidelity. Jane’s response was that even though he had not cheated he broke an equally powerful trust agreement between them. 😉
Just when you think life can’t be anymore off balanced than it already is someone in your circle reaffirms that it absolutely can. Yesterday I was at lunch with our little “Ya Ya group,”and Jane tells us all that Ex-hubby has let his 24 year old cheating ex-girlfriend move back in with him! Just as a reminder to those of you who may have not been keeping up with all of the drama in our little corner of the world Ex-hubby cheated on his 30 year plus marriage to Jane with his 24 year old secretary. The 24 year old secretary was also sleeping with ex-hubby’s business partner of 30 years. Ex-hubby who never told his young lover he had had a vasectomy was told he was going to be a father again.
Ex-hubby then breaks up with his young lover, and kicks her out of their place. She moves in with Ex-hubby’s buisness partner(a.k.a. baby daddy), but now Jane tells us that according to her son that Ex-hubby has let her move back in with him. I know my head is spinning too. Apparently the young woman had suffered a miscarriage due to all the stress she was under, and realized that she made a huge mistake because she knows now that Ex-hubby is her one true soulmate.
I am deeply sorry for her miscarriage, but I’m not buying this whole soulmate business. I asked Mr. G-uno if he knew that Ex-hubby had moved her back in with him, and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. It appears that I’m not the only one who’s been off balance here lately.
I hate the way hospitals smell. The energy that comes from everyone inside them permeates through every pore of my body. From the moment you enter your own personal space shrinks as the everyone else’s struggles to make room for theirs. I think it’s the intensity of all that emotion under one consolidated space. I think it’s what my own personal torture chamber would be like.
The elevator was way to small, and it smelt like stale air. It seem to be creeping towards the third floor almost as though it felt my dread. When the doors finally opened the strange nurse breathed a sigh of relief. We had managed to ride up three floors without even making eye contact. She almost trampled another nurse as she made her escape. Never realizing that her energy had been swallowed by mine.
I had prepared myself on the car ride over. There would be no sadness, no negativity, I would not make this beautiful 33 year old woman hold the weight of my sorrow with her cancer ridden body. She has carried far too much for far too long. My mother had warned me of how frail she has become. Her already slender Asian frame had been beaten down by both her disease, and her treatment. She has not been able to withstand food, or liquids for almost two weeks now. Blood flows from her abdomen like water from a slow streaming faucet.
Our mother’s are like sister’s. Alove built from the kind of friendship few others ever experience. We regard each other as chosen family, and even when there is nothing we can do for one another we stay together. We are like the support beam that keeps your home from collapsing. She smiles as I enter her room forging through her pain to make a fuss over the flowers I have for her. Her grace only makes me love her more. I hide my emotions for her as well I regard this visit as if it’s a temporary problem that simply requires some time.
This is strength beyond all boundaries, and respect without limits. We talked about our families. She is in agony, but never says that she is. Instead she says that she’s tired, and relays to me that she is getting the best care. Then in a brief moment of fear she tells me that she is dying. I know in this moment she is grasping for my strength. It was a moment I knew would come. It was my dread that filled the elevator, and permeated through the nurse causing her to run away when the doors opened.
So I took her tiny hand, looked deeply into her fearful eyes, and said” I work with the dying everyday. You know this, and you are not dying now.” I could feel her energy change immediately. Her body had swallowed mine. She smiled, and said “okay I will fight.” I smiled back staring deeply into her eyes. Then her mother entered the room, and saw her daughter smiling. I told her I was leaving, and that I would be back soon. Her mother reached for me, holding me as only a mother can hold you. The energy in that moment kept us all from collapsing.
What’s a wedding without drama? I think there’s some sort of subliminal signal that goes into overdrive within family members, and with other significant people who will be a part of someone’s wedding in some way. Ours started with the female first cousin who also became engaged after our daughter had announced her engagement, and her wedding date. Said cousin decided to put her wedding six weeks in front of ours. I won’t lie to you, we were initially quite pissed by the complete lack of etiquette. It was meant to be a passive aggressive act of disrespect, but rather than become the same small kind of human being we pulled up our “big girl pants,”and moved forward.
Next came the problem of not having a budget that could afford to invite the entire family. My husband’s side alone came to almost 300 guests. The budget was for 150 guests. So rather than play favorites, (and to allow the groom to have some guests) the only fair thing to do was to make the cut off point after the first cousins. There are so many, that this also meant no plus ones unless you have a spouse. Each invitation was carefully given with RSVP cards that had only the names of those who fell into this category. WE thought this would be the most delicate way to handle things. Wrong immediately on the wedding website one cousin asks if it’s a mistake, and should she write her children’s name on the RSVP.
Our daughter felt so badly, but decided to use the public site to say how very much they regretted not being able to afford to invite the entire family. She said that rather than play favorites they just made the cut off point after the first cousins, and no plus ones only spouses. Our daughter has tried to be as polite as possible concerning the wedding. The wedding website was only given to those who would be invited. She does not post anything about the wedding on any other social media. She has also opted not to have a shower, or any other wedding event to avoid hurting anyone else’s feelings.
Her made of honor hates this for her, and put together a small shower with her brides maids, and her future MIL & myself. Well this all seemed drama free. Until her future SIL who is one of her bridesmaids decided to come out of the closet, and ask if she could bring her girlfriend to the shower.SIL being gay is completely not an issue for anyone, except her own mother. To be fair to the future MIL (who was raised in an extremely religious home) had only had a few days to absorb the news. Her daughter had always had relationships with men so there was never any indication that she was gay.
MIL is an intense person who is still worried that her son, and my daughter are going to hell for living in sin. You see the problem now? MIL tells my daughter that her daughter can not act like a couple at the wedding because it will kill her mother (the grandmother) going further to say if they tell the grandmother she won’t attend the wedding. My daughter tells MIL that she will not ask SIL to behave in any way at her wedding. We have raised our daughter to understand that love is love, so she doesn’t want her SIL to be anything other than who she is. MIL loves her daughter so she tries to hold in her true feelings at the bridal shower.
This started out awkwardly, but we were doing our best to welcome SIL’s girlfriend who was meeting everyone for the first time. Then after the shower MIL completely loses it, and explodes verbally vomiting all over her daughter, and her girlfriend. She demands that they tell the grandmother, that they show zero PDA at the wedding because my daughter said she didn’t want that at her wedding! SIL, and her girlfriend show up at our daughter’s (her brother’s) apartment in tears because she was under the impression that they had lied about being comfortable about her coming out of the closet.
Our daughter is livid because MIL lied. It took an hour to make SIL feel better, and convince the girlfriend that she should attend the wedding. Finally my future son in-law said “Look you are not coming to our wedding pretending that you are friends. If mom, and grandma have a problem they can pretend that they don’t.” Drama? They have been swimming in it! No matter how hard they try, it seems to be impossible to escape. However, what has not escaped my attention is the fact that every time a situation arises these two work it out beautifully together. 😉
After all the agonizing, the second guessing, the compelling need to know, he finally broke down, and told her the truth. The truth was suppose to set her free, not bring her to her knees. I was wrong he is a liar, and a cheater! To make things worse it’s his twenty-four year old secretary. So his new love is two years younger than his youngest daughter.
I’m not sure if my friend is in shock, or just relieved to finally have him fess up. The one thing I am sure of is the fact that she is 100% pissed off. She’s always been the calmer one in our circle. Sharp wit, and dry sarcasm, always delivered in a calm, precise way. Now she’s like a caged bull whose had his rectal temperature taken with a hot poker.
I think I was expecting her to react more like she did when he dropped his bomb about moving out. Pure heartbreak, tears, and devastation. You’d think I’d be more relieved that she isn’t reacting that way, but I’m actually more worried.
The problem with telling the truth is that everyone claims that they want to hear it, but the truth is the majority of people really don’t like telling the truth. Maybe Jack Nicholson would have been more correct if he had said “You can’t handle telling the truth!” One of my favorite in-laws called me this morning. She was feeling really upset by some recent gatherings among the family that she felt both her, and her sister had been selectively excluded from attending. I listened with great empathy because I know how exclusive this bunch can be first hand.
This weekend involved an annual 3 day gathering where numerous family members rented cabins in a park. Saturday was an invite for a family picnic that everyone was invited to with great openness. Her issues were with all the other less than open gatherings among a certain click within the family circle. Let me say to you right up front I have been a member of this family for 33 years, and I am not an invited member within this particular group. I am personally okay with the exclusion. Since she grew up with these family members, and had always previously been included to the exclusive click she was very hurt by her obvious exclusion.
She went further to say she actually expressed her feelings to one of the Aunts (A queen bee in the click), and she was further hurt because she could tell that the explanation she received was a lie. She went further to let me know that there was a great deal of anger over our loved one who recently passed’s private internment service the evening prior to the huge family reunion. This was a decision made by our loved one’s wife. Her request was just the immediate family.
I am a huge fan of the truth. Even if it is uncomfortable for those involved because I believe that it is the only way to build genuine bonds between people. It’s also a great way to keep misunderstandings at bay. What happens when you know the truth, but the truth is not yours to tell? In this case I do happen to know why she was excluded. Unfortunately I am bound by the confidence of another family member not to speak about the reason.
Since I had given my promise not to share this information I kept my word. I feel very badly about the entire situation. So I simply told her that I was sorry that she had been hurt. I told her that I couldn’t explain the behavior of the others within the exclusive click. I will never understand how mistreating someone could be easier than just truthfully telling someone what they did to offend you, and allowing them a chance to explain, apologize, or fix the damage.
I personally would have given an open invitation to anyone who wanted to have attended our loved one’s internment, but it was not my decision. I find it ironic that the exclusive click was so indignant about someone else’s choice to be exclusive. The problem with telling the truth is that so many people rarely do so. 😉