Posts Tagged loss
I am a person who absolutely stands by scientific data. If you asked my family, and friends if I am a logically sane person the answer would be yes. I am however a person who believes in the existence of a higher spiritual existence. An existence that is much less accepted in our more scientific based world.
If you asked me to prove to you the spiritual things that I have encountered, I have had others with me to witness some of the signs. Like the majority of people, most of my witnesses would try feverishly to explain away what they have seen in order to escape some pretty harsh judgments by those who cannot accept the existence of things they cannot prove.
I personally don’t worry about that kind of judgement. I’m very secure with the things I have experienced, and for the most part my mental sanity. 😉 I will admit that I have been a bit off my personal game since the passing of “Bette Davis Eyes.” In my line of work I deal with the dying on a regular basis. I’m not completely sure why her death affected me so negatively, but it did. I think part of the reason is that I asked her to give me a sign. It’s something I do with all of my clients, and family members.
If “Bette Davis Eyes” gave me a sign then I completely missed it. I have been way off my personal game since her passing in December. In fact I have not taken one single dying client since she died.” The Universe” however has not given me a get out of death free card. My first cousin has been battling cancer since my last visit to Greece. He lost his battle last Tuesday.
There is never a great timing when a death occurs, but last Tuesday was a particularly difficult day for me because of my baby brother’s disability hearing. I have been fighting for this hearing for almost 10 years. I was absolutely wrecked over having to testify in front of him regarding the symptoms of his mental illness. He is fragile, and the idea of breaking him was almost unbearable. I have been praying, and I believe that those who have passed watch over us. so I ask for their guidance when something is particularly difficult for me. I also ask them for signs.
My daughter drove my brother, and I to the hearing which was about a 45 minute drive. I could not stop crying after I got the call that my cousin had passed. She knows I pray for signs. She’s more scientifically inclined like her father, but can not deny the things she has seen with her own eyes. First sign -the hearing was being held in a building that I took our elderly cousin who lived with us until her passing every Thursday for 5 years when she could no longer drive. Second sign- they sent us to room 420. My Father who I specifically asked for a sign from birthday is 4-20! I know all the non believers out there are shaking their heads, while muttering coincidence, but then came the 3rd sign.
While waiting to see the judge I continued to be unable to withhold my tears of grief. The guard thought that I was crying out of my fear of appearing in front of the judge. I apologized telling him I had gotten a call from Greece before coming, and was told my cousin had died. He told me he was sorry then smiled saying one of his closest buddies was a Greek. He tried to pronounce the not so popular town in Greece. I knew what he was trying to say, and said it for him. It was the town my cousins mother is from. It was where he would be buried! This is not a well known town. The chances of someone who even lives in Greece knowing this place are very unlikely.
I knew in my heart I was surrounded in love by those who watched over me. My daughter just looked at me with bewilderment. Can I prove to you that this was nothing more than coincidence? No I can not, but can you prove that is was just a coincidence? 😉
My eyes search for you.
I see your form, and I search for your light.
My eyes watch so closely,
that I can actually see the moments when your inner
light peeks out through your body.
Your light is like the light of the sun as it leaves the day.
A light that that once burned with such intensity that
my eyes never had to search to see it’s existence.
The light of a sunset leaves with the promise
of returning tomorrow .
My eyes search for your light,
I keep searching for it’s promise that you will
return again tomorrow.
This morning I can hardly swallow my coffee, there’s a sort of lump filled with emotion. The ache that comes from trying to swallow ones sorrow. A beautiful soul is leaving this world. She is the kind of woman who by her very existence made our lives sweeter. So for today I will use the words of another in her honor. This is for Rose– Mujo (Impermanence)
“There is an hour or so in the fall
when the sky is clear and sharp
when the clouds move predictably
refusing to gather into storms
when a crisp confidence
in the fullness of its own beauty
resounds in the Mountain’s colors
as if, in this moment,
the trees do not fear
the inevitable approach of Winter.
They know all about that
fly-by-night Imposter masquerading
- with the face of Death. “
If you are even slightly paying attention you will begin to notice that there is something so powerful about Christmas that people who ordinarily may not be big on conversing are suddenly overflowing with conversation. I absolutely love this aspect of Christmas, it seems to bring out the most inner thoughts that people have on almost any subject. Even those who may not actually be celebrating Christmas seem to get caught up in this aspect of the holiday.
Our home is under construction right now (Yep right smack in the middle of the holidays), and as I was leaving for work yesterday I stopped to ask our builder to please lock up everything when he was finished for the day. This gentleman is completely “old school” hard-working, nose the grind type who on an average day I’m guessing prays under his breath that home owners will be way to busy to stop and engage in idle chatter. This day was different he climbed down from his ladder and his words began to flow.
He said “you know my wife and I have been married for almost 50 years, and we have raised five children, and we have twenty-six grandchildren.” He had my attention as soon as he had stepped off the ladder. My mind was immediately thinking about what he was going to say next. He had said this with half a smile and a look that conveyed deep concern. He told me that his father had died when he was just two years old, and his mother had to work day and night to keep a roof over their heads. He knew from day one he wanted a wife who would stay home, and raise their children, even if it meant he had to work two or three jobs. He was not a chauvinistic man he just loved the idea of a family life he himself had wished for as a child. He had found a woman who wanted this life too, and he had no regrets about his choices.
Then he told me that his mother-in-law had recently moved in with them in order to makes sure that his wife was not alone. I found this to be very curious, in my mind I had jumped to the conclusion that the mother-in-law would be the one in need of help. His eyes were filled with sadness he told me his wife had a mini-stroke. He was with her when it happened she suddenly lost her ability to speak, her ability to walk was impaired. Seeing her like this was horrible for him! He then looked me straight in the eye and said she always takes care of me. She doesn’t have to do these wonderful things for me but she does it anyway. He smiled, and said that on holidays they go to their families homes, that she will hunt him down, and bring him a plate already prepared with his favorite foods.
He told me how his mother-in-law was a good guest, but that having her in their home changed their life style in a way he could not explain. He said that he appreciated that she was there with his wife, then he nodded his head and climbed back up his ladder to work. I understood his feelings. When you happily share your life, and a home with another person for so many years a subtle dance forms. You move together in a way that’s kind of like a beautiful slow dance, life in tandem a dance that can not be done with anyone other than your life partner. I knew this was the first time in his life he had actually realized how much this dance was a part of him, and how it wouldn’t work without her. 😉