Posts Tagged love
I am a person who absolutely stands by scientific data. If you asked my family, and friends if I am a logically sane person the answer would be yes. I am however a person who believes in the existence of a higher spiritual existence. An existence that is much less accepted in our more scientific based world.
If you asked me to prove to you the spiritual things that I have encountered, I have had others with me to witness some of the signs. Like the majority of people, most of my witnesses would try feverishly to explain away what they have seen in order to escape some pretty harsh judgments by those who cannot accept the existence of things they cannot prove.
I personally don’t worry about that kind of judgement. I’m very secure with the things I have experienced, and for the most part my mental sanity. 😉 I will admit that I have been a bit off my personal game since the passing of “Bette Davis Eyes.” In my line of work I deal with the dying on a regular basis. I’m not completely sure why her death affected me so negatively, but it did. I think part of the reason is that I asked her to give me a sign. It’s something I do with all of my clients, and family members.
If “Bette Davis Eyes” gave me a sign then I completely missed it. I have been way off my personal game since her passing in December. In fact I have not taken one single dying client since she died.” The Universe” however has not given me a get out of death free card. My first cousin has been battling cancer since my last visit to Greece. He lost his battle last Tuesday.
There is never a great timing when a death occurs, but last Tuesday was a particularly difficult day for me because of my baby brother’s disability hearing. I have been fighting for this hearing for almost 10 years. I was absolutely wrecked over having to testify in front of him regarding the symptoms of his mental illness. He is fragile, and the idea of breaking him was almost unbearable. I have been praying, and I believe that those who have passed watch over us. so I ask for their guidance when something is particularly difficult for me. I also ask them for signs.
My daughter drove my brother, and I to the hearing which was about a 45 minute drive. I could not stop crying after I got the call that my cousin had passed. She knows I pray for signs. She’s more scientifically inclined like her father, but can not deny the things she has seen with her own eyes. First sign -the hearing was being held in a building that I took our elderly cousin who lived with us until her passing every Thursday for 5 years when she could no longer drive. Second sign- they sent us to room 420. My Father who I specifically asked for a sign from birthday is 4-20! I know all the non believers out there are shaking their heads, while muttering coincidence, but then came the 3rd sign.
While waiting to see the judge I continued to be unable to withhold my tears of grief. The guard thought that I was crying out of my fear of appearing in front of the judge. I apologized telling him I had gotten a call from Greece before coming, and was told my cousin had died. He told me he was sorry then smiled saying one of his closest buddies was a Greek. He tried to pronounce the not so popular town in Greece. I knew what he was trying to say, and said it for him. It was the town my cousins mother is from. It was where he would be buried! This is not a well known town. The chances of someone who even lives in Greece knowing this place are very unlikely.
I knew in my heart I was surrounded in love by those who watched over me. My daughter just looked at me with bewilderment. Can I prove to you that this was nothing more than coincidence? No I can not, but can you prove that is was just a coincidence? 😉
As much as my antisocial tendencies govern most of my actions, I thoroughly immersed in enjoying the company of my two littles cousins. I even started remembering a me that actually enjoyed going out and spending time with others regularly.
I look at these two grown lovely ladies and their free flowing banter and sharp wit, and with a certain expression or just how they would say something, they would transform to two toddlers fresh and crisp in their Easter Sunday best, spinning in the foyer to make their dresses fly up. Golden ringlets, chubby elbows and a laugh that can never, ever be duplicated by anyone past the age of four, completely full of nothing but sheer joy.
It makes me ache in a nostalgic way. It reminds me how little I see them, how much I missed, moving around and completely focusing on my own shit. It makes me wonder if their half-sister ever has these regrets as well, ever looks at them and feels a pang for the time gone forever.
I ponder the days when their half-sister and I were nothing more than gangly, awkward kids ourselves, then young adults completely convinced of our intellectual superiority and ready to take on the world, bent on making it our bitch or just making it better and being nothing like our parents or any other adult we met while doing it.
It reminds me of a time when the little cousins first met Spawn, fresh from the hospital. They rigged up a laundry basket as a makeshift crib and just cooed over them like the most awesome thing they’d ever seen.
Now Spawn stands between the two in height, and is still growing.
I finally get the need to want to watch films of the past over and over. It’s not that you wish you could go and relive it all, but maybe just visit. Get a little more connected. Slow down and give a few more hugs, listen a little more attentively, be more in the moment. It’s a shame you have to get to a certain age before you fully understand that and so much is already lost.
Let’s start off by saying the sparks that were flying on February 13th were not exactly the same on Valentine’s day. In the waiting room of the hospital one might have gotten the impression that Tarzan, and Jane were heading straight for the sheets. There was so much tension in the room as he held her I was sure there would be less talk, and more sex. This however was not the case.
Tarzan did invite Jane over to his house for dinner. Jane who was still elated over Khaleesi, and the baby being okay along with Tarzan’s appearance in the waiting room was under the impression that everything could go back to the way it had been before. So she buys a sexy new red dress, gets waxed from head to toe, and heads over to Tarzan’s for a steamy Valentine’s Day reunion.
Tarzan on the other hand was still harboring a raging grudge over Jane breaking up with him for having kept his daughter a secret from her. Jane told me it was pretty awkward showing up with the all is forgiven attitude only to find out that she was the one who had not been forgiven. Tarzan agreed that he understood how Jane may have felt betrayed, but he didn’t understand her just walking away from what they shared without any effort towards trying to work things out.
He also informed Jane that they were way passed the point of only her feelings being the only ones to be considered. That he did not want to have a relationship with someone who considered their point of view to be the only one that mattered. Jane told me she was trying to listen with an open mind, but she was starting to get really pissed at the same time. She reminded him that a lie by omission is still a lie. His rebuttal was that he really did not view the young woman as his daughter, followed by if you give a child up for adoption do you still get to walk around saying you have a child?
Jane’s rebuttal was that you continued to hide the fact that you had a daughter even though you had agreed to meet her after several unmentioned conversations together. Tarzan told Jane that he was still processing the whole thing, and he wasn’t ready to share that with her at that point. He also told her that he resented the fact that she still thought he was under some obligation to share every part of his life as though they were a married couple. Then he pointed out they were not married, and that was also something that she had decided.
Jane became livid at this point, and said ” I can’t believe you’re still butt hurt over the whole proposal thing I had just gotten out of a 30 year plus marriage!” Well the whole “butt-hurt” comment didn’t go over well, and he started yelling back “Well sorry for not getting permission from you to make a decision on my own…I forgot it was the Jane show!”
Jane said that was when it hit her that they were having the same argument all over again just like a married couple. She said as she stood there watching him pacing back & forth all worked up she realized she is in love with him. Then she walked over to him, and cupped his face with both hands, and uttered the magic words “I’m sorry. We are never going to get one another to change how we both see this can we please just agree to disagree?” Tarzan was stunned by her reaction. His reply was “Well okay then.”So this is how it all began again…. 😉
Spawn sits me down like they have grave news. I’m preparing to be told they flunked a class, they’re being held back, someone died.
Nope, apparently Spawn has broken up with Schnookums and they are no longer an item.
Recently, their mom is remarrying and moving back in with man 3, father of child 3 and it puts them in a different district, which means Schnookums had to switch schools.
Spawn wouldn’t get into details so much but things got kind of strange after that. They made it through Christmas ok. Schnookums is a My Chemical Romance fan, and when we had the conversation that the lead singer was also a comic book artist, I figured a couple comics from the lead singer’s series might be a good Christmas gift.
Schnookums was in awe.
After that, everything went along as normal. so I thought….
All I’ve been able to ascertain since is that apparently Schnookums expressed some desires to be transgender. As far as I know this is a new development and makes me wonder if switching schools and unable to handle it and having distance from Spawn has more to do with it.
However, I have NO personal experience with this, so what I know is only through what I have read and what my one friend has been able to tell me and the minimalistic verbiage of my kid.
If Schnookums didn’t mean it, then its a dickish thing to pull.
But it they did, my heart goes out to them quite a lot, since I know that has got to be an impossibly hard thing to discuss. I’ve thought of texting them a couple times just to say that we’re still cool no matter what and they are an awesome person and should trust in that. But is that interfering too much?
From what I can gather, most transgender are what they are in their hearts from day one. Then it branches between those supported to be who they are, or those who are not. Many of the latter learn to “assimilate” in the worst possible way, until they can get the support, the funds, the encouragement to make the meat suit match the heart, if that is their ultimate goal, and finally learn to not pretend anymore. Just be.
I won’t get into the ones who fall through all cracks in the support department because that would warrant a much longer post and will hopefully never have to apply Schnookum’s case.
Their new stepdad is a military guy, and from what I gather, not an open-minded one. He seems to have a good heart, but his attempts to bond with his new stepkids is limited to only his own interests.
Of course, I sat Spawn down and asked if they really understood why they had such a problem. I was told the constant apologizing was annoying. that’s it, nothing more. I asked if after some time, they might able to have a friendship from it, and was told they didn’t know but it wasn’t currently likely.
I told my kid I had never been in this situation so it was hard to put myself in it and see but when we like someone we’re asking them to like us, flaws, pimples and all, as we are. But being told your beloved has been an assimilation of sorts, something we didn’t see, couldn’t see, it makes the person we like feel like a lie. Sexuality aside, it just means to me the person I knew never actually existed.
Spawn nodded a bit, but didn’t say much. For a kid who is supportive of the trans community, its never touched them quite this way before and I’m sure they’re trying to sort out their own feelings. I’ve never seen anyone handle it so damn maturely though. Not even one damn bowl of ice cream to wallow in.
So hit me. Did I handle this at all correctly? What would you have done? Why?
Mortality is a complicated thing because it embodies extraordinary force with extreme fragility. Remembering that we are all souls who are here to embrace the human experience can very easily be lost in moments of extreme grief. Bette Davis’s journey began the day before Thanksgiving, and ended six days ago. It is only now that I have been able to bring myself to the keyboard to tell you about her final curtain call.
She was completely aware of her limited time on the planet that had so often pissed her off. When we arrived to the Hospice wing she was overwhelmed by the intensity of her surroundings. As her caregiver it is my responsibility to lessen her fears in every way possible. The problem with dealing with someone like Bette Davis is that their mental faculties are keenly sharp. Her own intuition was even more in tact.
She grabbed my hand in desperation, and said “I’m going to fight this. I’m not going!” It was in this exact moment I felt the crack within my heart. This was not the moment for self-pity. Her large intense” Bette Davis Eyes”were pleading for any kind of relief to lessen her overwhelming fear. So I smiled at her and said ” Good I thought you were going to fuck up Christmas!” She busted out laughing.
I set up her room to look as much like her room at home. Then I told her to quit hogging the bed as I nudged my way into the bed beside her. The tough old gal was amused by my lack of concern over what the staff might think. She instinctively knew that her body was not as strong as her will, but she also understood that we would do this our way.
So we listened to her beloved Celtic music, we gossiped about everything under the sun, and I soaked up the warmth of her courageous desire to protect her children from seeing her fear. She was a “Momma Bear” until her last moment. With me she was able to be herself. It was as much a gift to me as she had expressed it had been to her.I had the privilege of guiding her family to helping Mom end her journey surrounded by light-hearted humor bathed in love.
I spent Bette Davis’s last day ensuring her physical comfort, and maintaining her appearance. I had to leave briefly to take “The King” to speech, so I leaned down whispering into her ear that the little King was beckoning. Her” Bette Davis Eyes” had not opened for days, nor had she spoken. I told her how much I loved her. I told her everything was going to be okay, and that I would be back soon.
In that moment I understood that she would not be there when I would return, so I reminded her that I would be waiting for my sign so make it spectacular. I kissed her warm cheek, and told her “I would see her on the other side. Bette Davis made her final curtain call while I was away. She left the stage the same way she lived her life, with dignity surrounded by the love of her family.
I know why the Greek “Gods” frolicked on the Acropolis in ancient Greece. It was because there is something magical about standing on top of that mountain overlooking all of Greece. At the risk of being completely partial I think it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world. Being there breathes new life into me. My family has a lot to do with that without a doubt, but one would have to be in a coma not to pick up on the undeniable vibrations of something different in the atmosphere.
Stumbling around the ancient ruins you can’t help but notice the looks on the faces of every passing tourist. The complete, and utter look of awe. This was not my first trip through the ancient ruins. I was born there, and have returned there four times before. This was my fifth visit, but my first since the Greeks had begun to remove the ruins. They have built a fantastic museum to both recreate, and preserve the Parthenon in it’s original state of being. They actually uncovered a buried city while constructing the new museum. They brilliantly decided to uncover, and showcase the ruins beneath the new museum with clear flooring. So as you walk through the new museum, you can look down at the view of the newly discovered treasures below.
I think you need three full days to fully explore every part of the museum the way I would want to explore it, my family votes two. No matter how many times I have seen the ruins I find myself utterly drawn to them. Even though I am a huge fan of the new museum I felt the loss of not seeing the Parthenon in it’s original birthplace. I felt a sadness for all those who had missed out on climbing up the Acropolis, and feeling the thrill of laying their hand on the side of the magnificent stone where billions of others had rested their hand before. On each of my prior visits, I sat across from the Parthenon watching each person who had reached the top do exactly the same thing.
I have often wondered if our hands laid where the ancient greats hand’s once laid. I like the idea of my hand resting in the same place as theirs. I love sitting in the outdoor cafes at the base of the great mountain sipping Greek coffee while staring up at the great ruins people watching, imagining what it must have been like so many years before. I can’t shake the feeling that although the surroundings have changed over the many years the essence of the people remains the same. 😉
So where I live the rain has been pouring day and night. I’m talking about the kind of rain where you look out your window fully expecting to see all the animals line up two by two. I can’t seem to find my inner balance these past few weeks then finally it made it’s reappearance as we all sat around the Lebanese restaurant eating Baba Ganoush. Yesterday was our son’s 25th birthday. I had a picture in my mind of how our family would celebrate this day, but then life happened.
I came home from work to what would have normally been a most welcomed find, our son, his sister, and our son-in-law hanging out together in the living room. My kids although they are no longer kids, are my happy place. They arrive, and joy follows them. Their mixed personalities go together like the best ingredients of a perfect recipe. The problem was that my fairly new 10 year old roof was leaking profusely in our main bathroom, and kitchen. My kids informed me that they had already called their father, and they were now strategically engaged on how to stop all the rain from flooding our home.
This was not exactly the birthday celebration any of us had imagined, least of all our son. Our son was crawling through our narrow attic searching for the leakages. My son-in-law and daughter were holding flashlights, and bringing buckets to catch the relentless amounts of rain that kept pouring into our home. Then we all searched our garage for tarps to cover our roof as much as possible since we knew that with the continued downpouring of rain there was not much else that could be done.
We all worked together to clean up all the water that had poured into our kitchen cabinets, and bathroom floors. At this moment I looked at my children, and realized that they were incredibly capable adults. They laughed, and joked with one another not letting the frustration of this huge unplanned pain in our backsides stress them in even the slightest way. When Mr. G-uno finally arrived he looked around realizing his family had taken care of everything that could possibly be done for the time being. He jumped in the shower, and we all headed to the restaurant to meet up with my mom, sister, and my brother.
Of course the restaurant of our choice was closed because of their own family emergency, so my sister called to rerouted us to another Lebanese restaurant. The problem being that there were two restaurants with exactly the same name, and of course we were at one, and they were at the other. We all finally made it to the same place. Meanwhile the rain continued to pour from the heavens relentlessly but because of the rain we had the entire restaurant to ourselves. The owner, and his beautiful wife prepared us the most wonderful food.
The eight of us sat together eating, drinking, and laughing. It was in that moment where my balance found it’s way back. I remembered that it’s not about the chaos that can pop up so unexpectedly in our lives. It’s about making the most of situation, looking beyond the surface into the faces of those who love you, and whom you love. It was not the celebration I had pictured in my mind. It was something much better. 😉