Posts Tagged relationships
Inevitably in my family if we get together long enough, the dick jokes and dirty innuendo come out. We have a small subgroup among in my family who will declare loudly that everything we say is awful and we should be ashamed, but secretly they are right with us and we usually take a jab they might need to get some.
I don’t know if they feel some parental obligation to fight it, or if they just want brownie points to keep them out of hell.
It was no different with my little cousins. I’m not sure if its due to the fact I recognize them as no longer the darling cherubs of their childhood, but young adults on the adventure of life or not, but I’ve never felt the need to scold them for anything they wanted to say, except perhaps the sibling hate speech to one another. I’d love to carve that out like cancer. They’ve never held back either.
As the evening progressed I kind of wish we’d migrated to someplace involving couches and coffee and/or wine so the chatter didn’t have to ever end. The topic of sex and relationships of course came up. The little sister firmly declared she didn’t care for sex and would rather not do “that” for the most part.
My quick reply was of course that she must be doing it wrong, which seemed to be our eldest aunt’s problem as well.
I might be biased…
No, no… I’m not. Little sister is fucking gorgeous and has suitors from both sides of the fence that would be more than happy to lick the bottom of her boots if she asked them. She has no clue the vast power she possesses. In this, she is much like her half-sister. The difference being is her half-sister does understand her power and has used it quite a lot in her life, often to disaster, and only toning it down in recent years.
Don’t get me wrong, the older sister is beautiful, tall and graceful. But there is just this something some people possess that seems to render those around them completely subjugated. Helen of Troy would have HAD to be one of these people. I have about three cousins (suspect four, but that one keeps it firmly under control so I cannot verify), all female, who have this ability as well.
The older sister seems to be exploring her oats these days. I see a ton of myself in her while she spoke of some of her relationships and alluded to conquests. She wants so much to open her heart to something real, and from the sound of it, to one in particular, but she is equally fearful of being rejected so she keeps this wall up. It bites you in the ass when you cannot be vulnerable, you just come off as ice cold because people eventually get tired of trying to get over that wall.
I had to smile because some of the things were almost verbatim to things I’d declared at the same age, so utterly convinced I’d had this relationship shit all figured out.
I hadn’t a clue.
By the time I could even think of how to respond, it was time to pack it in and leave.
If anything I wish I could tell her that you cannot make your heart tough enough to withstand the hurt of having it broken if you don’t expose it to the possibility of having it loved thoroughly first.
Building walls, only turns what’s inside to mush… useless and unspent. Exposure is what makes it more malleable, adaptable, bendable… not breakable.
You never really regret trying. You regret when you don’t.
Let’s start off by saying the sparks that were flying on February 13th were not exactly the same on Valentine’s day. In the waiting room of the hospital one might have gotten the impression that Tarzan, and Jane were heading straight for the sheets. There was so much tension in the room as he held her I was sure there would be less talk, and more sex. This however was not the case.
Tarzan did invite Jane over to his house for dinner. Jane who was still elated over Khaleesi, and the baby being okay along with Tarzan’s appearance in the waiting room was under the impression that everything could go back to the way it had been before. So she buys a sexy new red dress, gets waxed from head to toe, and heads over to Tarzan’s for a steamy Valentine’s Day reunion.
Tarzan on the other hand was still harboring a raging grudge over Jane breaking up with him for having kept his daughter a secret from her. Jane told me it was pretty awkward showing up with the all is forgiven attitude only to find out that she was the one who had not been forgiven. Tarzan agreed that he understood how Jane may have felt betrayed, but he didn’t understand her just walking away from what they shared without any effort towards trying to work things out.
He also informed Jane that they were way passed the point of only her feelings being the only ones to be considered. That he did not want to have a relationship with someone who considered their point of view to be the only one that mattered. Jane told me she was trying to listen with an open mind, but she was starting to get really pissed at the same time. She reminded him that a lie by omission is still a lie. His rebuttal was that he really did not view the young woman as his daughter, followed by if you give a child up for adoption do you still get to walk around saying you have a child?
Jane’s rebuttal was that you continued to hide the fact that you had a daughter even though you had agreed to meet her after several unmentioned conversations together. Tarzan told Jane that he was still processing the whole thing, and he wasn’t ready to share that with her at that point. He also told her that he resented the fact that she still thought he was under some obligation to share every part of his life as though they were a married couple. Then he pointed out they were not married, and that was also something that she had decided.
Jane became livid at this point, and said ” I can’t believe you’re still butt hurt over the whole proposal thing I had just gotten out of a 30 year plus marriage!” Well the whole “butt-hurt” comment didn’t go over well, and he started yelling back “Well sorry for not getting permission from you to make a decision on my own…I forgot it was the Jane show!”
Jane said that was when it hit her that they were having the same argument all over again just like a married couple. She said as she stood there watching him pacing back & forth all worked up she realized she is in love with him. Then she walked over to him, and cupped his face with both hands, and uttered the magic words “I’m sorry. We are never going to get one another to change how we both see this can we please just agree to disagree?” Tarzan was stunned by her reaction. His reply was “Well okay then.”So this is how it all began again…. 😉
I get that we are all imperfect human beings. I also get that you don’t pass judgement on others, especially the people you love. I just have a hard time pretending to agree with a decision that is so self-destructive. Jane knew the minute she asked me how I felt about her sex with her Ex that I am not the friend who tells you what you want to hear. This is what caused our big fight. Before I give you all the mind-blowing details let me first say that if I ask you for your opinion I want your honest opinion whether I’m going to like what you said or not. That being said here’s what happened…
Jane invited me over for dinner. Dinner for Jane is code for I did something I regret so come over, and help me hash it out. I don’t think both shoes were off my feet before she blurted out “I had sex with Ex-hubby last night!” I was stunned. I expected her to say I had sex with Tarzan…or anything else other than “sex with the Ex.” Keep in mind my people skills have been more than a little off so my first response was “Why!?” Then came the one response that always annoys me no matter who says it “It just happened.” I said “Oh I see you accidentally slipped, and fell on his erection?”
Jane was instantly annoyed with me. She shot back with “I knew you wouldn’t understand!” To which I snapped back with ” You’re right I don’t understand. Is this the same man who you left for cheating on you? The man who is now married to someone else?” Well now she’s glaring at me, and says “Well he was mine first, and besides that marriage really doesn’t count so climb down off of your high horse!” I did smirk at that one. Who says “high-horse” anymore, but quickly snapped back that “It sure as hell counted when they did it to you.” Yes I know very bitchy on my part. I can only tell you that in my current state of thinking I was annoyed that we were even having this conversation. I was annoyed that she had done such a stupid thing, rather than hearing her out like a good friend I verbally smacked her.
She stood up told me what else I could do with my’ high-horse” as she walked over to her front door holding it open for me to go. I knew I should apologize, but I didn’t I walked over slid on my shoes, and left. We haven’t spoken since. I’m not exactly sure why I just don’t want to hear this. but I don’t. I did text her that I knew I owed her an apology, that I love her, but I’m not ready yet. She texted back “I love you too asshole.” 😉
In order for us to “win“ an argument it requires that somebody “loses.” An enormous ego is a lot like a well sharpened axe, and when you start swinging it around somebody is going to be cut. Some cuts may be superficial while others may leave horrible lasting scars, and some cuts are potentially deadly. The big question here is are we even thinking about the damage that can be done, or are we just so hurt by the other person’s strike that we just defend ourselves in any way that we can?
The long term effect of taking too many swipes at your person is the emotional equivalent of hacking them apart piece by piece until there’s nothing left to hack. Can rendering someone you love in this condition actually be viewed as a win? Yet in the heat of a moment when the gloves come off this is what can happen. Taking a moment to remind yourself that what you’re about to say can never be taken back would be an ideal solution.
In a perfect world there would be a “pause button” where we could stop, and evaluate why we are so ready to swing our sharpened axe. Then a “remember button” that reminds us that being willing to hurt someone irregardless of what we think they have said, or done is not love. It is in fact the complete opposite of love. Swinging that well sharpened axe may make you the winner in that battle, but the truth is you have just made someone you are suppose to love a loser.
There he stood on his tiny chair in the middle of his preschool cafeteria making his royal stance adamantly clear. My eyes surveyed the room. His poor teacher was completely unsure about what to do. The other children were entranced by his command of the room. “The Baby” otherwise know as “The King” was perched on his tiny little chair with his index finger pointing straight up in the air shouting at the top of his little lungs “Never I say, never!”
“The King” is not your average 4 year-old boy. He falls into several categories within the Autistic spectrum. Although his intellect borders on brilliant, his speech is severely delayed. The biggest problem with “The King” is that his mind is bursting with thoughts that his speech simply cannot relay. So he has learned to make his royal commands, and desires intensely clear in other ways. This king will be heard whether he is able to express his wishes with words or not.
He is intensely easy on the eyes. His large beautiful blue eyes draw you in then while you’re completely captivated he throws you a smile that lets you know you are probably going to give him whatever he wants. Adults, and children alike are often drawn into his kingdom with not so much as even a single word. He commands your attention while systematically getting you to relent to his every wish.
On the flip side of his charismatic charms there is a tyrant who loses his shit when his powers of persuasion are not being understood, or worse yet denied. Like all great rulers he knows that when his charms are not doing the trick you have to rule with an iron fist. He has a new teacher who is quite young, and clearly has not had the experience of dealing with a 2 -1/2 foot tall ruler. I have dealt with this mighty king since he was a year old. Over this period of time I’ve been extremely lucky to have found myself very much in “The King’s” favor.
I have the ability to understand him in a way that does not require so much energy output on his part, so he tolerates me much more easily than the rest of his subjects. I don’t deal with him in a verbal way because I know that when he realizes he is not able to converse back in the same way he becomes frustrated. I can see from the look on his face that he feels defeated by his inability to speak. Plus it’s good for him to see that I am as bilingual at getting what I want in the nonverbal sense as he is. He likes this about me. He knows I share the same admiration for him in this way.
However much to “The Kings” dismay I am equally as tenacious about fulfilling my job requirements as his personal assitant. So as he stood perched on his tiny chair I walked over to him, and looked down towards the ground signaling him that it was time to step down. He looks me straight in the eyes to let me know he is not ready to comply. So I look him back in the eye being ever so cautious not to be mesmerized by his charms, and I raise both of my eyebrows while smiling at him.
He is assured by my smile that I am not issuing a command so he climbs down off of the chair, and starts to walk away towards the door. I remain by the chair until he realizes I am not following him towards the door. He looks at me with slight disgust, then I smile again and stare down at the chair that has not been pushed back into the table, and the snack (of apples & raisins) that remained uncleared. He gives me a pronounced hesitation just to make sure I know he is making a choice, not following a command. Then he walks over pushes in his chair, and clears his uneaten snack from the table.
I smile at him again. He looks at me in a way that let’s me know he is only conceding to my wishes only because he wants to, but he knows that I will stand there like an immovable mountain until he relents. Then he looks at me again with his “Happy now look?,” and I beam back at him so he knows that I am. I hand him his royal nap blanket, his box of apple juice, and his bag of pretzels. As we walk down the hallway I look at him with my “What happened in there face?” He smiles at me then in four tiny words says ” I don’t like raisins.” 😉
As Khaleesi walked through the french doors that led out to the back yard It suddenly struck me that I had probably seen her walk through that door a thousand times. This time as she walked through the door holding proudly onto her father’s arm she was stunning, there was a hushed silence almost as though time had briefly stopped. Khaleesi is not the usual type of woman so of course she did not choose the usual type of wedding gown. Instead she wore the cream colored lace dress that Jane wore after her, and Ex-hubby’s own wedding as they left their own ceremony.
Khaleesi’s favorite picture of her parent’s wedding was taken after their reception as they made their way to the limo to leave for their own honeymoon. Jane’s dress was very elegant. A thinly strapped satin cream colored form fitting top that gently flowed down into a slightly less form fitting laced bottom that stopped mid calf. Khaleesi even wore her hair in the same way Jane had worn her’s in the picture. A kind of a soft curly bobbed cut with a thin cream colored satin hairband that had tiny pink roses weaved into it. She carried a small bouquet of light & dark colored pink roses.
There were no bridesmaids, or groomsmen. Just a beautiful backyard garden filled with family, and close friends. Round tables draped in cream colored satin, and simple bud vases filled with pink roses. The groom’s father performed the wedding ceremony. Tarzan played the piano softly in the background. I think it was his way of being there without overshadowing Ex-hubby, and Jane’s moment. They had all the same familiar moments that most weddings have, just in much smaller more intimate setting. I will admit to you that the father-daughter dance was my favorite moment.
After everything had been said, and done the newlyweds left in their white limo to head to the airport to catch their plane for Italy. Both The bride’s & the groom’s parent’s had given them a two week all expense paid honeymoon as their wedding gift. Before climbing into the limo Khaleesi came back up to her parents smiling from ear to ear. She thanked them, and the groom’s parents for everything they had done to make their wedding so beautiful. Then she handed each of the parents a tiny gift box to open. Each parent was given a silver key chain with the inscription that said “Life is sweeter when your somebody’s grandparent oxoxo 6-25-16.”
Khaleesi’s way of letting everyone know this February will be filled with more heart than usual. We were all so surprised, and completely overjoyed. After all the guests had left, Jane, Tarzan, Ex-hubby, Mr. G-uno, and I sat in the back yard together reliving all of the wonderful moments of the day. Then all of a sudden Ex-hubby’s face became expressionless. He told us that Khaleesi was not the only one to surprise him with the news of a new arrival in February. His 24 year-old girlfriend had also surprised him this morning by placing a baby’s rattle that said “Daddy” on it!
We all sat there with our jaws dropped, and mouths wide open. Not because this “Sugarbaby” had surprised any of us, but because everyone sitting at that table knew that Ex-hubby had gotten a vasectomy right after Khaleesi was born! 😉