Posts Tagged sex
The female vagina is quite possibly one of the great mysteries in life. Women like men sometimes name their secret spot. I have been known to call my own “The Magical Vagina” on more than one occasion, g-2 even trade marked my pet name at one point. Lately though I have revoked her (my “Magical Vagina”) of the privilege due to the fact that she has become a traitorous bitch.
Being a female I have experienced more than a few back- stabbings from other vaginally equipped species of my gender, but the betrayal of my very own “Magical Vagina” was a completely harsh blow. I’m not exactly sure why I thought my personal vagina would be impervious to the symptoms of “The Big M” (Menopause), but I did. I find being betrayed by one’s own vagina to be unsettling in more than one way.
The secrecy of the well-known betrayal runs deeper than one might imagine. Aside from “Frankie & Grace” no one seems to want to talk about it. I guess for women it’s on the same level as erectile dysfunction, there seems to be a great deal of shame attached to the whole phenomena. This shame has some pretty deadly side effects, and should come with some strong warning labels like-…
Warning your vagina can suddenly go from being a lush garden to a dry, and barren desert. Side effects include painful sexual encounters, the forced practice of finding compatible lubricants, and God forbid vaginal tearing.
You may find yourself being secretly ambushed over a period of time by a diminishing sex drive caused by a depression that sneaks up on you like a terrorist in an airport. The terrorist (Menopause) is there right under your nose. You know it exists, but it’s attack is somehow surprisingly devastating.
Dealing with the psychological realization that you have to first accept, then deal with your no longer “Magical Vagina” can cause you to unknowingly leave your sexual partner feeling unwanted, and undesirable.
The fear that your sex life will never be the same again may cause severe bouts of irrational thinking/bizarre reactions. Such as the demonizing of your own genitalia. resulting in such things as revoking her previously glorious title “The Magical Vagina!” 😉
Women and men share one thing in equal proportion, our desire to be invisible guest at a meeting of “The Secret Club!” We reside next to each other on this planet on a daily basis sometimes even in the same household, and we seem to be unable to crack the secret code. We always seem to think “we” are so easy to understand, and that the other gender is just making things so much more complicated than things actually are…
As a member of the female gender I have a few secrets I can share with the men without risking my “Secret Women’s Club” membership. Keep in mind that the topics I will bring up do not apply to all females. Not being a male I apologize for not knowing all of their secrets, but I can share a few things that I have learned from the men in my life.
- Many women have been raised to believe that their own sexuality is of less importance than yours from a very early age. It’s not that anyone specifically said this, but the subliminal message was very clear. It came in many forms- men have a stronger sex drive, sex is much more important to men.
- Masturbation and self-examination are shameful. Women are taught to ignore their bodies/natural urges. (I know males many of you were also discouraged from this completely natural inclination, you will just have to take my word for it when I tell you it is MUCH more frowned upon with our gender.)
- Men have very delicate egos so you should never tell them that their sexual performance was not to your liking. Especially during the sexual encounter. Men should always be the initiator in all sexual encounters. Also you may have to exaggerate your height of pleasure to ensure that their fragile egos remain in tact.
- Men prefer women with less sexual experience. They will gladly have sex with more sexually experienced women, but those women will never be considered for long-term relationships. Women with too much sexual experience are viewed as whores.
Once again I want to remind you that the above mentioned do not apply to all women, but I’m pretty sure based on the conversations I have had with a lot of women this kind of misinformation is more prevalent than you might imagine. Males (females too) out there you should know that all of these concepts directly affect you in ways that you may be completely unaware of, and they have the potential to destroy relationships which is ironic since a few of them were actually designed with the intention of keeping relationships in tact.
Let’s start with #1 if you are a female who was raised to believe that your sexuality is of less importance than a males, you may be more inclined hold resentment that your needs are viewed as second class ,or you might adopt the practice of ignoring your partner’s sexual needs (not to mention your own) within a relationship since it’s not something defined as important to you. Both concepts leave both genders unfulfilled, and at risk for huge resentment. The final result is that sex either becomes a chore or a power struggle.
#2.The idea that masturbation/self-examination is shameful, or unnecessary is deeply destructive. Our bodies mature sexually much sooner than our minds. Masturbation is a safe way to deal with natural urges with the added benefit of allowing your mind more time to reach the same level of sexual maturity. It is extremely important to be aware of our bodies, and how they function not only for a healthy sexual development, but for health issues as well. We would never let a person drive a car without studying the driver’s manual so the very idea of letting someone have a sexual experience without their own personal test drive has the potential for some very undesirable outcomes. You can not communicate to your partner concepts that you yourself are unaware of, and the idea that someone else will magically know how your body works is unfair to you ,and your partner.
#3. When it comes to sex everyone’s ego is delicate! When you are untruthful about the level of your sexual pleasure you cheat yourself, and you set your partner up for continued failure. Everyone loses! You have just set the groundwork for relationship failure. Our men want us to be honest about our desires as much as we want them to be about theirs. Also keep in mind no one’s ego enjoys harsh criticism especially in the most intimate moments. The gentle nudge, or relocation of body part placement is a really sensitive option. Both genders appreciate not having to always be the one to initiate an encounter. Everyone enjoys the concept that someone has unexpected desires towards them.
#4. Being a sexually experienced woman (or man) does not make you a whore. Men often feel as overwhelmed by a partner’s expectation of their performance, as women do, (this is where masturbation once again proves to be beneficial in regards to experience) knowing what is pleasurable for yourself goes a long way in alleviating anxiety performance for everyone.
I think that the whole “Secret Club” concept comes from our shared fear of being viewed in an unfavorable way, harsh judgement regarding how we feel, or the things we desire. I have to admit that even while writing a post I am often reluctant to share a lot of the things that cross my mind. We all fear being viewed unfavorably. I also know that I have read some incredibly honest posts regarding some extremely personal subjects. Communicating honestly is a huge personal risk but it comes with the incredible possibility of making some very positive changes like breaking down old barriers, removing shame and stigma. So here’s pulling up our big people pants, and putting our honest feelings out there for everyone else to see. 😉
My explanations of things posed by my kid tend to get long-winded if left unchecked (ha! like you guys haven’t already figured that out!) so I have to really give serious thought on how to condense things when posed questions. One of which was the mechanics of sex.
By age six, my kid understood that “sex” could happen between both hetero as well as gay/lesbian couples, but it was an abstract concept. So with about 5 minutes before we have to walk out the door to start our day, my kid questions me about the mechanics.
I pause to figure out how I can possibly break this down in simple terms, I look around… ah.
me:”Ok, let’s start with the basic boy-girl concept, ok? You know how you can hammer a nail in the wall?”
me:”Boys are the nail, girls are the hole in the wall.”
spawn has a look of sheer horror at this point.
me:”um, but its ok, its not like the boy has to put the hole there, its already…. you know,…. there…..”
me:”just get in the car.”
I really do get it, I have full length working mirrors coupled with my new Ecosmart compact fluorescent lighting, bulbs that work so well there isn’t a single “must hide area” on your body that can remain hidden! Seriously this lighting has the potential to put off cataract surgery the way it lights up a room, but I’ll leave that subject for another time. Today’s sex talk is focused on avoiding sex with your partner/partners based on some very harsh self-hatred of your naked body. Repeat after me -life is entirely to short to miss out on the opportunity to connect with your partner/ partners while you wait for that most coveted magical day when you will arise from your bed with the perfect naked body!
Keep in mind that you spend a great deal of time with your partners, and while we have the false sense of illusion that our clothing has the power of an “invisibility cloak” hiding the way we actually look, your partner wants to be with you! They probably even have a huge self-hatred list of their own, but I can assure you that they are not measuring you with the same harsh guidelines you are imposing on your self. If by chance you are involved with someone who is harshly judging you by your physical appearance kick their less than perfect ass to the curb! Their mental focus is way off course, and even if they have the body of an air-brushed magazine they are severely lacking in the main component that makes someone a great sexual partner.
I do not have the perfect naked body. My partner is definitely in much better physical shape than I am. It’s something I have to work on, and like a lot of people I have those moments where I am feeling so critical of my physical appearance that the idea of having them see me in the same way that I see myself can take the sexy right out of you. The problem with that thought process is that it does not take in to consideration that your partner may not have a clue about the level of self-torture running wildly in your own mind.
If you are hiding your naked body from them, it’s almost a given that you are also hiding your naked thoughts. Your partner who is humanly filled with their own self doubts is feeling attracted to you for reasons that have not even registered with you while your locked in a moment of self hatred. This is the moment where you can stay locked in your own world. Push them away with a number of excuses, or maybe the better idea is to imagine what your partner who has approached you in a most beautifully intimate way has running through their naked thoughts, and not miss out the opportunity to connect with someone who obviously views you in a much better light. 😉