Posts Tagged sexuality
The female vagina is quite possibly one of the great mysteries in life. Women like men sometimes name their secret spot. I have been known to call my own “The Magical Vagina” on more than one occasion, g-2 even trade marked my pet name at one point. Lately though I have revoked her (my “Magical Vagina”) of the privilege due to the fact that she has become a traitorous bitch.
Being a female I have experienced more than a few back- stabbings from other vaginally equipped species of my gender, but the betrayal of my very own “Magical Vagina” was a completely harsh blow. I’m not exactly sure why I thought my personal vagina would be impervious to the symptoms of “The Big M” (Menopause), but I did. I find being betrayed by one’s own vagina to be unsettling in more than one way.
The secrecy of the well-known betrayal runs deeper than one might imagine. Aside from “Frankie & Grace” no one seems to want to talk about it. I guess for women it’s on the same level as erectile dysfunction, there seems to be a great deal of shame attached to the whole phenomena. This shame has some pretty deadly side effects, and should come with some strong warning labels like-…
Warning your vagina can suddenly go from being a lush garden to a dry, and barren desert. Side effects include painful sexual encounters, the forced practice of finding compatible lubricants, and God forbid vaginal tearing.
You may find yourself being secretly ambushed over a period of time by a diminishing sex drive caused by a depression that sneaks up on you like a terrorist in an airport. The terrorist (Menopause) is there right under your nose. You know it exists, but it’s attack is somehow surprisingly devastating.
Dealing with the psychological realization that you have to first accept, then deal with your no longer “Magical Vagina” can cause you to unknowingly leave your sexual partner feeling unwanted, and undesirable.
The fear that your sex life will never be the same again may cause severe bouts of irrational thinking/bizarre reactions. Such as the demonizing of your own genitalia. resulting in such things as revoking her previously glorious title “The Magical Vagina!” 😉
Her hands trembled as her eyes nervously roamed around the room. I felt her apprehension the moment I entered the room. She was not herself. She was full of anxiety over her desire to hide herself, and her desperation to expose herself. Her need to know brought her out of the shadows of her long hidden existence.
It’s something that occurs when ones own mortality is faced with the realization that time is dwindling. When one reaches the point where anger still lingers inside them. Their anger is no longer about their limited mortality, it is about the realization that the power to reach for their own desires in this life where always within their own capabilities.
It comes from realizing that you held the keys to the kingdom in your very own hand, but your mind hid them from your eyes. She stared right through me with her “Bette Davis Eyes,” I was frozen by her gaze. “I have never had an orgasm.” I sat down beside her, and in my desperation to comfort her the regret that was overwhelming her I said “I’m pretty sure a lot of women from your generation may not have.”
She searched my face for any signs of bullshit. When she felt satisfied that I was not patronizing her she asked me what it was like? In my mind I wasn’t sure if I could describe what an orgasm felt like to her. It struck me that it would be like describing color to a person who had always been blind. My moment of pause caused her to become embarrassed by her question so in her true “Bette Davis” like way she snapped harshly at me. “Just never mind!”
I smiled at her, and explained that it would be like describing sex to someone who had never had sex. I asked her to give me a moment, then I told her that for me it is the point where desire meets intensity. A moment where both my mind, and my body reach a point of intense urgency. A point where my body no longer waits for my permission to respond, and I am completely taken over by tremors of pulsating euphoric release that are completely beyond my control.
I can see the wheels turning in her head. Then smiling she looks up at me, and says ” Well way to dangle the perfectly grilled steak in front of the woman with no teeth!” 😉
I have been reading and hearing a lot of dialogue lately from people who seem confused and spend a great amount of effort and time trying to figure out what their respective significant others are doing/thinking/meaning. I see a lot of advice and reading material on getting back on your feet after a break-up or a betrayal. I’ve seen too much of the nauseating co-worker who posts pseudo-inspirational religious, cavity-inducing bullshit about meeting “the one.” She’s been dating this guy maybe a month? The ones who are in love with falling in love. So let’s have some realizations we should all understand up front.
There are pitiful few guys who will blog about their feelings when they have been betrayed. I said “few.” I see an awful lot more women who spend a great deal of effort blogging about the same issue over and over. and over. Now, I think it is truly healthy to talk about how you feel, pull it out, ponder it, break it down, analyze it, learn what you need to learn from it, cry, break glass, eat ice cream or a ball of bacon or both, then. fucking. let. it. go.
Repeatedly asking why someone did something when you know will never get a valid answer is a pointless waste of your emotional and mental well-being. Don’t give someone else that level of your energy, you’re only hurting yourself. They aren’t doing the same for you.
Most guys think exactly what they say they are thinking, there is usually little subtext, if any. Sure, there are those rare few that are strategic sociopaths, just as there are those who secretly cry to Steel Magnolias. When they are interested in someone, they simply behave in such a way that very clearly says “I’m interested, I like you, let’s be together.”
Now women… I’ve seen a much wider variety here. The clinger, the one convinced “hard to get” is the way to go, the unsettled/wishy washy, the one who can’t be alone, the one in love with falling in love….yet all too many of them spend a great deal of time and effort on what I can only described as microscopic dissection of every conversation they have ever had with their respective others to find the supposed “meaning.”
“He/She isn’t that type of person.” or “I would know if they were like that.”
Here’s a tough concept, but one that will help you immensely in the future. If you ever hear these words come out of your mouth or someone else’s, remember this… you will never, ever know someone’s true motivation unless they tell you honestly. Asking them can help with this.
A fem friend of mine told me about a book called He’s Just Not That Into You. Some of you might be rolling your eyes right about now, some may be thinking “well damn, that’s a bitchy title.” It was a “guide” of sorts. I did read it, and thought it probably could have been shortened to just a title but I think the overall gist was dead on. One line in particular stuck with me…
“It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.”
If you have ever been on a roller-coaster of a relationship that has had more lows than highs but for some reason neither one of you seem capable of calling it, this is your motivation. I’m not saying some relationships aren’t worth saving but there is a point when no matter how much you pour perfume on a pile of shit, at the end of the day, it still stinks because its shit.
Relationships, all relationships, should be a series of investments in the other with few withdrawals. I’m analogizing all over the damn place today, huh? What I mean is that every time you call, every time you ask someone how they are, support them, surprise them, be there when they cry, make them laugh, hang out, etc… you are making an investment in your relationship. Every time you miss an arrangement, lie, forget something important to them (like a birthday), fight, hurt them, etc… you make a withdrawals.
We all make withdrawals, its par for the course, we are going to fuck up… but we have to be careful that isn’t the majority of our interactions with someone we value. If you like relationships that are all about you, then you like things lopsided, you take and probably don’t have a lot of close connections and may not understand why. It’s time to start thinking about other people if you want that to change.
If you are maternal and give more than one person should possibly give to another, to the point where there is no room for you and you are secretly miserable, you’re a giver. That too is septic to a relationship. It’s nice to be spoiled, but not sharing more of our own needs and desires sends the message you don’t trust the other with your needs and desires. It also leaves you wanting more and not capable of asking for it.
Don’t ever ask for something you’re unwilling to give yourself. It’s unfair and makes you an asshole.
Are you dating someone an awful lot like your dad? mom? grandparent? One key love from your childhood? An Osmond? I’m not going to go Freud on you, but we tend to be drawn to people who are similar to people we have unresolved issues with, good or bad. If you keep failing at a fulfilling relationship, see if your exes remind you of someone else. For me, my ex was a lot like Grand personality-wise: strategic, passive-aggressive, manipulative, needy, self-centered, demanding. Grand and I butted heads a LOT. I was drawn to my ex to have those same damn fights with a different outcome. Just recognizing that helped immensely in stopping the cycle.
“I need closure.”
You don’t need closure, you want an excuse to drag out more contact with someone who is obviously not interested in being with you. I’ve heard this most from the type of person who believes that just not contacting someone (dodging their calls, not responding to their emails/texts) is the best method of breaking up.
You believe you have fallen in love with everyone you have ever dated. Or you believe you have fallen in love more than once in five years.
Translation: You are in love with being in love and are still not sure what the hell that really means beyond the reactions of a pubescent teen. Love isn’t a rom-com, and sometimes its boring and ugly. Being in love doesn’t mean glossing over the bad points, it means loving them anyway.
If you spend 3/4 of your time thinking more of your next piece of ass over your kids, you are a shitty parent and that is deeply telling about your ability as a partner. Spawn’s best friend lives with their grandparents because their mom has been through four guys just in the 4.5 years I’ve known her. She moves to be closer to where the guy lives, regardless of condition, she spends all her time at the guy’s house and very little with her kids. She very eagerly moves in any of them willing and of course, she is always in love. She’s younger than me and I believe this is at least her 2nd divorce. My next door neighbor is the same way… I am a big fan of adult time, but the level of obsession here is ridiculous.
The only element of a relationship that really means a damn thing is trust. It is the foundation upon which everything else is built. If you destroy that, everything else is a house of cards.
Sex is not love, you can have both and you can have them together if you’re lucky, but the presence of one does not automatically ensure the presence of the other.
Where do I get this long list for someone who is single? A hell of a lot of dating over the course of *cough* years… tons, one failed marriage, a few close calls, and owning up to my own bullshit, It also stems from walking friends through their respective bullshit, trying to get them back to sanity, sometimes knocking some damn sense into them, sometimes just walking the fuck away.
I’m not so much having a “dry spell” as welcoming the damn Sahara because its the tempting alternative. I’m enjoying the peace.
My last semi-dating stint was with someone I knew back in my younger days. We happened to bump into one another and later we met for dinner one night. They asked about maybe dating and I said something to the effect of “It’s really nice having an adult meal and conversation, but you have a personality that I would never consider for a long-term relationship. If you want hang out, sure but that should not be interpreted as interest. I will wish you the best if you meet someone.”
Want to guess how much of what I said was actually believed? That’s right. Not a damn word. I didn’t realize that at first.
Over the course of the next few months, they start to infringe unwelcome more and more in my life. Phone calls, texts. All fucking day and night. Hell they bugged the shit out of me on World of Warcraft. After a while, my reaction was to pull away. Theirs? Cling tighter, going so far to show up at my home unannounced.
I politely told them to never to show up without arranging it with me ahead of time, and reminded them that we were not an “item.” They mention wanting me to meet their parents. They’re confused when I refuse. They really could not get it through their fucking head I did not find them worth the effort.
It finally hit the boiling point when I sent a casual smartass response to something they said via text. It apparently came to them in two pieces (they had an old phone). I get an initial response calling me a choice name. I’m confused, but it was kind of the straw breaking that proverbial llama’s backside.
Their emotional roller-coaster is too damn much. I just respond with “lose my number.” Apparently, the 2nd part of my message, and its meaning, came over and I get a mass of apology texts and explanations. I just block the number and move on.
Then I get emails, begging to discuss things. I am accused of leading them on, that of course they would think we would move to the “next step,” they knew I didn’t mean any of that “other stuff.” They ask what issue do I have with them that I could cut them off so easily.
I sent them a bullet pointed list with a note that if they could work through those issues, they would probably have everything they ever wanted… but with someone else. I wished them good luck and I never interacted with them again.
How much easier things might have been if they’d just listened to what I said and not subscribe to their own delusional internal dialogue about “what I meant.”
What things have you found to true? Did you ever find a pattern of behavior you had to break out of?
The days are long gone when the talk of “the birds and the bees” was literally “the talk.” Today’s version is the much more complicated “the birds and the bees, death, and disease.” Instead of “the talk” (still dreaded by parents and children alike) it’s “the talkS.” This is the point where I apologize for my subject matter because I know many of you will disagree with the things I am about to say, particularly those of you with strict religious beliefs.
I am in no way implying that my viewpoint, and approach with my own now adult children is the only right way to address the following issues. I firmly believe that there are many ways to do something the right way, just as there are many ways to do things the wrong way. Parenting just like relationships are extremely private, and decisions regarding what is right for those involved can only be decided on an individual basis by those who are in those relationships.
My husband and I decided very early on that protecting our children from the harsh consequences of early sexual experimentation took precedence over our discomfort with having sex talks with them. We do not subscribe to the idea that educating children at a younger age on sexual matters causes them to engage in sex earlier than they might have if we had chosen not to educate them. We taught our children right from the start the correct names of their anatomy. We taught them that they were in charge of their bodies. That their bodies were important, and as they grew their bodies would go through very natural changes in their own individual timing. We reinforced a sense of privacy along with the concept that just like we don’t share our toothbrushes, our underware, or our drinks with others, we also do not share our thoughts on these subjects with other children. We explained that only parents were allowed to teach their children these matters. We told them that they could ask us anything they wanted to know regarding these matters because we would make sure to give them the correct answers.
From preschool through elementary school our many conversations ranged from proper labels, privacy, the differences between the genders, good touch & bad touch, using your instinct as a trusted guidance for what felt right and what felt wrong, self-respect, and respect for others. We also explained to them that it was natural to be curious about your own body, but that it was a very private thing just like going to the restroom. It was perfectly okay but something we do alone. The more we talked the more they shared their thoughts and the things their friends were telling them. I will not lie sometimes you just wanted to cringe and revert back to the good o’ days of our childhood and push the subjects off to another time, but we stuck to the plan and the talks became great tools for educating while removing the sense of shame regarding these subjects.
Then came the middle school era. This was the point where we left the anatomical explanations straight into the reasons why people have sex, who they have sex with, masturbation, gay sex, straight sex, sexual abuse, pregnancy, diseases, proper ages to engage in sex. The list just like the complicated nature of each subject was endless. Subjects I believe many people put off way too long living in the comfortable but highly false world of “my kids aren’t aware of those things yet,” believe me they are aware, and some of their friends are already engaging in sex at this point! We did not want to slip into the world of denial. The harsh consequences completely outweighed our desire to run and hide. We live in a world where unplanned pregnancy was actually the best thing that could happen. Diseases, reoccurring outbreaks and symptoms that can become a permanent part of your life, and worst of all the ones that can end your child’s life! Predators who may be strangers, but in most cases our people we know and trust. Even worse parents today are dealing with all the extra exposure technology can bring into your children’s lives. Sex is everywhere and by nature we are all naturally drawn to sexual behavior.
We chose to stick with our plan and answer every question as openly, and honestly, explaining every possible scenario we could think of trying to keep morality and, respect at the forefront, while leaving shame out of the picture. We told them that the only way to be completely safe was to abstain, or through self masturbation. We told them that the majority of people engage in sexual acts just because their bodies have matured. We told them that the mind takes longer to develop sexual maturity, and that masturbation was the best solution to deal with natural urges because people should be completely aware of their own bodies, as well as, the fact that it gave their minds more time to catch up with their body’s sexual maturity. We told them that attraction was a very individual characteristic where they would discover if they would be attracted to the opposite sex, the same-sex, or maybe even both sexes. We told them that we would love, and respect who they were. To always have respect for other people’s individuality. That the only important thing was to be safe. We told them that no one who cared for them would hurt them or try to persuade them to do anything that would make them feel shame in any way. We talked about the many ways people do engage in sex including oral and anal. We bought latex contraceptives,oral contraceptives, including the dental dam (for oral vaginal and oral anal sex). We opened them and demonstrated how to properly use them. We had them demonstrate usage. We made sure they knew that if those contraceptives where not latex then they would not prevent disease. That they should be used even during foreplay, with no exceptions! We explained that if you are not comfortable using and discussing protection you are not ready to have sex. We made sure they knew that even with protection you are not 100% safe. We explained what could go wrong with contraception including tears, accidental removal and expiration dates. We told them that they were responsible for always having their own protection, never to believe that it’s someone else’s responsibility. We kept a drawer well supplied with all contraceptives in our bathroom with the understanding that it would always be there and that this meant they could never endanger themselves.
By the time high school came about we had reached a level of trust and openness. Both children were upfront about their decisions to have sex. I know as parents we would like them to wait until they are older and more experienced with their world. The truth is that the majority of young people today rarely make it to high school without having a sexual encounter. As parents we felt that our job was to protect and educate our children in every way possible. We have been confronted with a great deal of opposition and disapproval regarding our parenting choices regarding sex. I can only tell you that our choices were the right choices for our family and that we have no regrets! 😉